It's late, I'm bugged and since I don't have anyone to listen to my latest rant of the day, I chose to write. I don't know what it is today, but I've had a day that has just racked my brain. But that is not what is on my mind right now. Right now, all I can think about is Koa.
Tonight I got super irritated, especially as my dear son found it necessary to continue to push the "I'm right, you're wrong" buttons, which only bothered me more because he had no idea what he was talking about and thought he knew everything. Oh he just didn't know how that type of behavior sharpens my tongue and unleashes a low grade wrath that makes itself known. Sadly, he knows now.
I don't know how to preface this so that I won't sound like a total snot, so why waste an explanation, I'll just say it: My son was not meant to be so willingly unthinking - he was not raised that way, he was not encouraged to be that way, and yet, here is this boy who is almost unrecognizable to me in his demeanor and manner of speech at times. I detest deliberate stupidity, I find it even more insulting when it comes from my offspring.
I was told twice tonight by both Kaleo and Kiko that he is just a teenager, but that is hardly an excuse for the behavior he is putting forth. It's as if I have worked hard to mold him and offer him better example and environment than what I feel I had growing up, but still, he feels after what I find idiotic; he chooses low quality activities, methods of expression, and a naively, easily swayed general frame of mind. How did this happen?!?
I don't like being angry or disappointed as this is not the type of person I want to be, but gosh, I just feel like crap right now. This just doesn't seem right - I just can't understand how this son of mine has found a way to completely sidestep all that he's been raised to see and know as valuable - he reminds me of his Dad so much at that age, this is probably what is really digging into the heart of my concern and frustration right now. I just don't want my Koa to have to learn the hard way in the same ways his parents did.
So I feel like the worst parent on earth right now - I feel like I am totally out of touch with who my son is and even worse than that, I feel kind of like I don't know what to do next. Can I just say this is the part that really stinks about doing this Mom/Dad job alone - I have to turn to a blog to rid myself of the thoughts I have so I can organize my thoughts and hopefully find some solution so I can sleep without despair rotting my dreams.
The consistency and commitment it takes to raise good children is a staggering responsibility. This is one of the first times I have felt it dizzying me and causing me such introspective pain. I know things could be worse. I do not know how parents of "bad" kids live through that. I said to Kekoa that he has to know that I have had to live through the effects of stupid people all of my life and that was something that for the most part, I could not change, but that I would not stand by and watch either of my children grow up acting stupidly and let that behavior go unchecked.
I just want order to return. I want a nice life where it doesn't seem like if you make one wrong move, the game is over and you lose. I know it is so dumb to even write this, but I want this disorder and mess to stop. So I guess the answer is to go back to basic principles and try again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do but rededicate myself to doing the best I can and learn from today. Oh why can't I just be perfect at this parenting thing yet! Oh well...at least I am laughing at my unrealistic expectations now, so that must mean I can stop typing and go to bed now.
Warning: comment on this blog at your own risk. Just rest assured that one day you'll know what this mess is like with your own children. Enjoy the simplicity of childhood with your children while you can - mine grew up too fast for me and my head is still spinning at the thought of how soon they'll be leaving me. I just didn't think these days would come so soon. Okay, I'm done now.
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2 comments:
You have taught him correct principles. He has to make his own choices, even if they are stupid ones. Sorry.
That being said, we were just thinking about how in five or so years you could, feasibly, be a grandmother--21, home from a mission, married, baby...
Don't think we won't get a TON of mileage out of that.
xoxoxo
Oh Jen...yes, I think about that too. ME a grandmother...crap, I'm still getting used to being seen by my peers as a mother. I do tend to freak out a bit worrying about what Koa chooses, but you are right, he has to make his own choices. I probably just need to read another parenting book and more scriptures to straighten me out :) Anyways thanks for enjoying the blog - haha.
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