It's been over one year since I last posted here. So much has changed since October 2014. The most notable changes have been that in December 2014, we welcomed our baby girl, Ayla, into our family. My Ikaika came home from his mission in April 2015. Just before Ikaika came home, we found out that we were going to have another baby in December 2015. Baby Ayan joined our family this month, about 3.5 weeks early. Last week we got to bring him home. So in the past year, we went from one child at home, to four children here. My heart and home are both tremendously full.
On a Tuesday, I went to the hospital. At nearly midnight on a Wednesday,
Ayan was born. He was so tiny. Seeing his face reminded me of Ayla. He
was rushed off to the NICU. Holding him with so many wires and tubes
attached was heart wrenching. Everyday he got stronger and better.
Leaving him at the hospital had me up crying and calling to check in and
see how he was doing in the middle of the night. But it was only a few
days before he came home. When we brought him home, I felt such a
complete peace. Finally, to have my babies home, together.
Since last week Sunday, I have been trying to get used to "Double the
babies" as Ian and I have referred to our situation for month now. It is
an incredible thing to go from pregnant with no babies, to no longer
pregnant with two babies in less than one year. My body is tired. I have
had energy to do so many things for most of my life, but I find myself
drained and grateful for the times when Ian gets up to make bottles,
feed babies, change diapers or put binkies back in crying baby mouths.
One week in, I feel like I've got a better handle on it than I did last
Sunday, but it will be a while before I have everything under "control"
the way I wish I could.
At night, there are two babies to put to bed. There are double the diapers in the middle of the night to change. There are double the bottles to prepare. But that also means there are two sweet baby faces that I get to kiss good night. There are double the babies to hold in my arms and cradle. I feel so blessed.
I am grateful for my sons, Kekoa and Ikaika, who love these babies and tease me about being replaced. Nothing in the world could ever take the place of my children, not even "new" children. If anything, I have looked back and wished I could have done more, provided more or loved Kekoa and Ikaika more. I did love them with all that I had, but I will always wish I could have given them more.
Tonight, Ian got Ayla to sleep and left me to put Ayan to sleep. They are all sleeping now, which has afforded me this moment to record a bit here. I love my husband and babies...all of them. I thankful for this family of mine. I am thankful that I was able to spend time with my parents, my siblings and our family this week. I am so grateful as I look at our lives and see that things are working out, and even if things are difficult, that we keep going.
I look at my children and my heart hurts for families who may be missing their children for whatever reason tonight. I look at these sleeping, peaceful babies and it makes me pray for those who are in situations where they are longing to keep their children safe from harm. I cannot help but pray for the families of this world who are torn and harmed by the wars of all kinds that are waged against them. I wish and pray and hope for peace, for all who seek it, especially for the children of this world.
I am thankful that this exhaustion that I feel is within the walls of my home, with my husband to love and help me, with my children who are healthy and safe. All I can be is grateful tonight and always.