Thursday, March 13, 2008

Beware the Ides of March

Ahhh, yes, I have about 11 minutes to spare, so I'll give in and write some of what is in my head and heart right now. So the words of the song of the moment are "you...just like heaven..." Hmm, yeah, that sounds about right for today.

The heaven that has me captivated right now is the time that I have spent with my boys lately. We've had such times lately: clashing opinions about what is a respectable length for a young man's hair or worthwhile reading material, cozy moments of reading "my books" on my bed, laughing while they make fun of the latest movie I have them watch with me, or figuring out how to pack the car full of 300 pounds of food storage items.

I find joy in these everyday moments with them. I catch myself standing back and watching them; how they move, the looks on their faces, and the tone of their voices. Not much escapes my eye where they are concerned.

I see the last remains of my baby sons fading as it is replaced by facial hair and random acts of manly stubbornness. Most days I struggle to keep from weeping with joy mixed with frustration as I feel so concerned about if I have done enough for them.

Last night Koa and I had another little "tiff". I hate those. But if it's not Koa, it's Kaika. The boys seem to take their turns at being little stinkers and wanting to question every single thing I tell them to do etc....

On the way to dinner, I talked to the boys very seriously about what is real and what is worthless. It was probably not the most enjoyable 15 minutes of their lives, but it was an important teaching moment. Yeah the boys are not doing anything grievous, however, it is their attitude and the way they use they ability to choose that had to be talked about last night.

At dinner, we stopped talking seriously and just relaxed. Ikaika wanted me to eat icecream and I didn't want to. So I gave in and when I was eating the icecream, I danced the popsicle in the air while I hummed to the music playing in the restaurant. Ikaika was saying, "Mom, that's not funny, stop...that's not funny." I was laughing and teasing him, "Oh come can this not be funny...if it's not funny, you won't laugh or smile when I do this!" And then I kept dancing the popsicle in front of his face.

Ikaika broke easily - I didn't need to hum more than 5 notes before he was giggling away. Then Kekoa, in his very deep and sober tone said, "Mom, it's not funny." So I looked at him and swooped the popsicle over in front of his face, dancing it to the beat of the music....7 notes and he was laughing. I love laughing with them. Kekoa said, "It's not fair, we can't not smile when you are laughing." If he only knew, I feel the same way about them.

We packed away the food storage and got them settled for the night. Ikaika was laying out his clothes for the morning when he came running into my room and plopped down on my bed.

He had his socks on his hands and he was dancing them in front of my face saying, "Don't smile Mom, don't laugh..." I simply replied that of course I was going to laugh and smile, that I was willing to lose that game cause he was hilarious.

He exhaled with a bit of disappointment and then reached over and pinched my nose with one of his sock puppets. Then we hummed together while he danced his sock puppets...yeah, we are a little weird, but it was funny because that was the song he wanted to sing last night. It went like this: "lala la la la la LA la, lalala la la la la LAAA."

They went to bed and later on, I went in to check on them after they were asleep; to stand in the doorway and watch them sleep peacefully. If they only knew how much I love them, if they only could feel how my heart aches thinking of how it will be when they are gone from me, if they could only know what it feels like to be a parent who knows I'm not perfect but would do what ever I could in behalf of their best good...then maybe they'd know, they can trust in what I say and do as their Mom.

That is my greatest frustration, that in these times of open rebellion by the boys, I feel so cut off, as if they don't know me or my love at all, as if these past umpteen years and the blissful moments we've enjoyed never happened - they forget that it was not too long ago that they were cuddled up in my arms and that there was a time when they trusted that I knew what was best, not because I was right, but only because I was Mom. I miss that.

Anyways, why think about all of this right now. It started with Ikaika texting me: I'm walking to seminary and now it really smells like rain. I replied: I love that smell like I love your bunny laugh. He sent back: Just imagine a dancing popsicle. I laughed and sent back: And if it could hie to Kolob ;) To which he replies: In the twinkling of an eye. I finished it with: Lala la la la to Kolob lala la la lala la.

So yeah, that is what is going on right now: life at it's best...we may not be perfect, but we are making it work :)