Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Great Love of My Life

Seems like an almost too cheesy title doesn't it? I know, but it's all I can think of tonight.  I've written pages and pages in several journals for years. In these tear stained pages, I've mused over what my life was like and have stoked the flames of my flickering impossible dream; The dream: finding home and being whole.

In one of my journals, I wrote down all of the names of every boy/man I was ever "in love" with. I remember them all. But the last name on that list, his name, made me take pause tonight, as I lay here in a shirt he wore last weekend, wrapped in a blanket we napped in before he left...I look at his name and all I can see is that he is the great love of my life.

In my years, I can say that I've been in love. I've been blindly infatuated. I've been loyal and devoted. I've been best friend, wife, girlfriend and crush to a few men, but I've always had to give something important up in those relationships; it was never as equal and level a back and forth trade as I believe equitable relationships should be. That is normal I'm sure and even with him, there are things that we compromise on, but honestly, no one has ever filled the place at my side so completely as this man has.  He gives me back the love that I show him...I find it quite mesmorizing.

Back in July of 2006, I wrote this long letter to "the Great Love of My Life", hoping that one day I'd be able to live the happy moments that I dreamed of and wrote down that starry, starry night. I opened up the pages of the journal that holds this letter and read it again tonight. I see that he and us, the way we are, it is more than I dared to write about or hope for at the time.  I didn't dare ask for what I wanted back then, just to be safe I guess, but in these months that have passed with us, he has been exactly what my heart has longed for. 

He is not just the normal list.  He's not just a smart man, not just a good Father, not just handsome or any other thing that I thought were good things about a person.  He is those things and more.  He is my safe place, my heart walking around outside of my body haha. He is passionate, he is strong, he is so understanding, he is stunningly beautiful, he is such a man and in his own way, he honors what is good in me, he lets me be woman and child and nurtures both in me. 

But best of all, he doesn't just need me, he wants me in his life too and he keeps me.  "Be happy." he says.  That means a lot.

I'm laying here in tears, not ones of longing or hoping, no, I'm laying here in tears knowing that he is far away from me tonight, but my tears are also of a happy gratitude that "he" is real. I think this is what people feel in their relationships and marriages, the ones that work or last. It's a wonderful thing to be loved and to be loved as everything to one man. Finally :)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My I love you

"The moments we are most vulnerable, reveal the true passions within our hearts". -mojgan

This morning my Dad called me to catch me up on the things that people were saying about Ikaika after "The Trek". It is no surprise to me that people are astounded by my son, it is no surprise to hear that he was always first to help, was compassionate, was obedient, that he is now seen as "quite the catch" by mothers and fathers and girls in his ward and stake haha. I say it is no surprise because I have known him as special, as remarkable, as meant to be set apart for a certain purpose his whole life. I'm not saying that it didn't take my breath away, that it didn't make me tear up, that I didn't long to have him in my arms again so I could cuddle him and sing to him how wonderful he is to me, my baby bunny.

Yesterday Ikaika came shopping with me. He was telling me his story of the Trek and how he helped a girl who had twisted her ankle who got left behind. Yes my son, that is what we do...I grabbed his pinky in mine and kissed his cheek and told him it is right to be so compassionate and helpful and that I was proud of him. He just shrugs it off, but smiles a little brighter because he can feel the love I have for him and how in awe I am of him and his choices to be more than ordinary.

Koa is registering for his college classes this August. Even if high school was not his thing per se, I'm so glad that he has seen that a college education is valuable and that he has sought to do the things he needs to do in order for that to happen in his life. I love to hear his voice, it still has a hint of rasp in it the way it was back when he was a little boy. When I was talking to him I told him I had a doctor's appointment and he immediately said, "MOM, what's wrong?? Are you okay? Are you sick?" His concern is so sweet, I appreciate it and laugh to myself thinking of how this is how I used to react when anything was amiss in his world.

Koa had a hard year on his own, learning for himself lots of lessons that I hope will ripen into wisdom with time. But he also is so compassionate, fiercely loyal and loves him family. It's hard to believe he'll be in college cause I still see him as my chubby cheeked boy, who loved to be snuggled, but didn't want a name like "bunny" haha.

Koa checks in on me in our sporatic phone conversations:"...are you still happy, how is work..." and then he usually teases me about being so much smaller than he is now. I remind him often that I can still take him if necessary haha and he says, "Yeah, I know Mom." with a sigh. Honey, even if you outweigh me by 50 pounds or stand taller than I am, I'll always be your Mommer and you my sweet little Koa baby. It delights him that I can still hold and cradle him in my arms. I will as long as he'll let me :)

Moments like these are the small rewards or assurances that even if life was not what I thought it would be, even if it was difficult at
times and very lonely, that the good things that were put into my sons, the love, the insight, the lessons, the tending to their all was worth it. My life was for them in so many ways and I am grateful that it was not poorly spent, that it counted for something as I hear about how my sons, both of them, love and care for the people around them.

I always wanted to be Mommy. I miss it now. It's almost been a year since they moved out. I have a different life now. In the course of the year, they've written me the dearest letters, reminding me that they love me, that they want to be everything good that they can be to make me proud, and that they are concerned that I'm alright. Those letters are my treasures, reminders that they knew and know that I love them, that it was real.

My grandfather told me when I was 8, 9, 10 years old that I was meant for something great...that I was meant to make a man great with all the talents that I had. I believed him. It was like a mission to find that man to make great. I gave everything I had to men hoping to find that one fit, that one man for whom my self imposed perception of "destiny" was created for.

In the process of searching, I raised my sons to be great and I see
right now, that perhaps they were who I was meant to make great after all :) I prefer that way of looking at it instead of wondering if I missed the boat on fulfillng my life calling. A great was an honor to raise them and love them. What I wouldn't give to have that life again. The one of sleepy faced babies, crawling into my bed to hear stories about when they were little, just to hold them again and have my family. That's all I ever wanted, not money or houses or anything except my own family, a good, happy one. I think I had it for a while.