Seems like an almost too cheesy title doesn't it? I know, but it's all I can think of tonight. I've written pages and pages in several journals for years. In these tear stained pages, I've mused over what my life was like and have stoked the flames of my flickering impossible dream; The dream: finding home and being whole.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"The moments we are most vulnerable, reveal the true passions within our hearts". -mojgan
This morning my Dad called me to catch me up on the things that people were saying about Ikaika after "The Trek". It is no surprise to me that people are astounded by my son, it is no surprise to hear that he was always first to help, was compassionate, was obedient, that he is now seen as "quite the catch" by mothers and fathers and girls in his ward and stake haha. I say it is no surprise because I have known him as special, as remarkable, as meant to be set apart for a certain purpose his whole life. I'm not saying that it didn't take my breath away, that it didn't make me tear up, that I didn't long to have him in my arms again so I could cuddle him and sing to him how wonderful he is to me, my baby bunny.
Yesterday Ikaika came shopping with me. He was telling me his story of the Trek and how he helped a girl who had twisted her ankle who got left behind. Yes my son, that is what we do...I grabbed his pinky in mine and kissed his cheek and told him it is right to be so compassionate and helpful and that I was proud of him. He just shrugs it off, but smiles a little brighter because he can feel the love I have for him and how in awe I am of him and his choices to be more than ordinary.
Koa is registering for his college classes this August. Even if high school was not his thing per se, I'm so glad that he has seen that a college education is valuable and that he has sought to do the things he needs to do in order for that to happen in his life. I love to hear his voice, it still has a hint of rasp in it the way it was back when he was a little boy. When I was talking to him I told him I had a doctor's appointment and he immediately said, "MOM, what's wrong?? Are you okay? Are you sick?" His concern is so sweet, I appreciate it and laugh to myself thinking of how this is how I used to react when anything was amiss in his world.
Koa had a hard year on his own, learning for himself lots of lessons that I hope will ripen into wisdom with time. But he also is so compassionate, fiercely loyal and loves him family. It's hard to believe he'll be in college cause I still see him as my chubby cheeked boy, who loved to be snuggled, but didn't want a name like "bunny" haha.
Koa checks in on me in our sporatic phone conversations:"...are you still happy, how is work..." and then he usually teases me about being so much smaller than he is now. I remind him often that I can still take him if necessary haha and he says, "Yeah, I know Mom." with a sigh. Honey, even if you outweigh me by 50 pounds or stand taller than I am, I'll always be your Mommer and you my sweet little Koa baby. It delights him that I can still hold and cradle him in my arms. I will as long as he'll let me :)
Moments like these are the small rewards or assurances that even if life was not what I thought it would be, even if it was difficult at
times and very lonely, that the good things that were put into my sons, the love, the insight, the lessons, the tending to their development...it all was worth it. My life was for them in so many ways and I am grateful that it was not poorly spent, that it counted for something as I hear about how my sons, both of them, love and care for the people around them.
I always wanted to be Mommy. I miss it now. It's almost been a year since they moved out. I have a different life now. In the course of the year, they've written me the dearest letters, reminding me that they love me, that they want to be everything good that they can be to make me proud, and that they are concerned that I'm alright. Those letters are my treasures, reminders that they knew and know that I love them, that it was real.
My grandfather told me when I was 8, 9, 10 years old that I was meant for something great...that I was meant to make a man great with all the talents that I had. I believed him. It was like a mission to find that man to make great. I gave everything I had to men hoping to find that one fit, that one man for whom my self imposed perception of "destiny" was created for.
In the process of searching, I raised my sons to be great and I see
right now, that perhaps they were who I was meant to make great after all :) I prefer that way of looking at it instead of wondering if I missed the boat on fulfillng my life calling. A great posterity...it was an honor to raise them and love them. What I wouldn't give to have that life again. The one of sleepy faced babies, crawling into my bed to hear stories about when they were little, just to hold them again and have my family. That's all I ever wanted, not money or houses or anything except my own family, a good, happy one. I think I had it for a while.