To the New Danner Baby

Kekoa & Melissa Danner's Baby

Dear Child, I do not know you yet, but as I sit here, I think of you and wonder into our future together.

I first saw a picture of you one month ago.  Your Uncle Ikaika called you "Alien".  One day when you look at the ultra sound picture you'll understand why :)

I guess I'll be the one you call Grandma one day.  I'm sorry if I struggle with that label, but you have to understand that it is not because I will not love you and guard you with my life, it's just because I am not ready for this stage of life.  I'm not ready to say "hello" to you the same way I was not ready to say "goodbye" to your Dad the day he moved away.  I'm not ready to move into this new role because for some reason, it feels like maybe something in me is ending.

I hope your Dad will help you to know me so you'll understand the type of Grandma I'll be to you.  I promise to love you and watch over you, even if it means a "tut tut" now and then to remind you to behave.  I promise to tell you stories of your Dad when he was growing up so that you will know how much you are like him.  I promise to help you find what it is that you love in this life and help teach you how to know what true happiness is.  I promise to give you the best of what I've got to offer so that the best of your Dad, of me and my predecessors will live in you.

Next year we'll have Christmas together.  I daresay you'll be spoiled rotten and that's alright, as long as you remember to say thank you and be genuinely grateful haha For now, I just wanted to make sure you know that I'm here and I'm thinking about you.  Stay strong little one.  The world is waiting for you.

A Glorious Day

It's a beautiful morning, I've got laundry washing, another load of laundry drying and dishes running in the washer.  The sun is shining, the gold fish are fed and I now have a few minutes to myself to think about today.

Today is Ikaika's 18th birthday.  I have two adult aged children as of this morning.  I put on some music by Embrace and reflected upon what I should feel about this day.  Time and time again, I've been told by friends or acquaintences of how great it will be when my kids are grown up so I can do whatever I want with my life.  What they may not understand is that all I ever wanted was to be Mom.  That is what I wanted to do with my life.

As I made Ikaika's graduation invitation, I looked back and thought of every precious moment now spent and categorized in images.  Memories are kind.  I look back and can be sentimental and remember the good things, not the diaper changes, sick days or sometimes the general unsureness of what to do to be the best Mom I could be to two sons who needed me. 

I found a picture of Kekoa and Ikaika nestled up next to me while I read to them.  Ikaika had the chicken pox and was covered in pink spots of dried calomine lotion.  Koa was all smiles, his chicken pox had come and gone by then, so he was comfortable there next to me in his batman pjs.  I found this picture of the boys on the day I graduated from college.  My Dad arranged it so that they each presented me with a flower lei.  The boys were so proud to give them to me.  What a beautiful memory. 

I look at these many pictures of their sweet, shiny faces. I remember their little hugs every day.  I remember the times of mini tantrums and tears as well.  My heart longs for a "do over"; another red and blue power rangers halloween, another Christmas Eve where they still put out donuts, cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer, another night of standing in the doorway to their bedroom, watching them sleep and knowing that all the world was right in that perfect moment.  I do not wish for this to be the end, to be left with only pictures and memories...I'd do this all over again, if only.

To my sons:  "Warrior King from Heaven" and "Prophet Who Rules with the Strength of Many Nations in his Blood". Once my babies, now young men still growing.  Everyday, no matter where you are, I am aware of you and sending you all the love I have and hoping that you remember.  I want you to remember what you've learned by being the sons you are.  I want you to live well and make the best choices you can for yourselves, for your families and if possible, to make this world a brighter, better place because you have been here. 

Nevermind that tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Today it's a glorious day for all three of us, somehow it feels like we made it through one more milestone.  I love you both.  Thank you for being my heart all of these years.  Love you, Mom.