What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You

Reading through old journals and life journey entries, I came across a lot of concerns and introspective situations in my life.  In 2010, a dear friend of mine reached out with questions about belief. I had to think a lot about what I felt and it was a good exercise in remembering why the fires of my soul burn so brightly J

2012: the year of “I’m all grown up”

So, in light of my birthday tomorrow, I would like to share what I wrote to her; it’s a list of some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.  

These are the types of things that I hope my children will remember about me, what my family will see and know me as, and that my friends, acquaintances and others will feel when they interact with me. 

“What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You:

READ

I am a huge fan of lifelong learning. You will find principles of success and happiness in leadership books and often in religious texts. 

As you expand your mind and your understanding, you begin to lift away from the mundane and "what has always been" - as you read and learn, you ignite your mind and you access your power of choice as a human being - you will find yourself as you read and feel good about the fact that you control what goes into your mind, for better or for worse.

WRITE

Write down what you feel, write down what you struggle with or love. Write down what you do and the rewards or consequences that come to you as a result of your choices. Writing clears my heart and mind when I'm confused, so I write every day. I find that clearing myself of those concerns or putting those feelings on paper (or in my enormous online journal haha) that I can dissect what I'm thinking or feeling and come up with a plan. 

I also love to look back on my life in my writings and see how far I've come as a developing person. I cultivate insight, gratitude and learning in my writings and I learn who I am by the words that I save over time.

LIVE

Live your life - if you have dreams, nurture them, hold them close to your heart, breath in the energy of the hope they give you. Embrace the joy and excitement that resides in knowing that good things are always coming to you because you believe in yourself and your dreams. 

Know that things won't always turn out exactly the way you expect or may want, but glean from those experiences what you can for your own good. If you want to learn something, go do it! 


Don't let other people's cynicism or lack ever tear you down to the point that they or their opinions rob you of your life. In the end, your life is your own.

Live it in such a way that when you look back, you will have lived it the way you wanted, in a way that you can be proud of, for you, for your sons, and for all of the people who love you.

LOVE

There is nothing in the world like love to me. I have kept this heart of mine open, true, loyal, giving, grateful and loving all of my life. It has brought me many special friendships and people who I've shared wonderful times with. Dare to love...it's not something many will do, it's so much easier to hate or to shut down the love of one's heart. 

The love you feel elevates and enriches every cell of your body; it elevates all of humanity and those who come in contact with you. It is something that you leave with others long after your association with them ends. It is the gift of who you are and that is in and of itself is priceless.

My whole point is to find your way, what you want to be about, and then live it. Successful happy people do not lives indulgent lives or become admired or joyful due to destructive thoughts, habits or choices. Successful happy people make mistakes, but they learn from them and forgive themselves and do not let others destroy the sacred nature of who it is that they see themselves as.

I believe that I have a purpose everyday that is in line with reducing suffering, bringing more joy and being love to all those that are around me. I want to do good and to have good things, so I attract those types of things and miracles seem to present themselves, but I am always watching, with the intent of seeing that life is beautiful and that I am a good person.

I wish for your happiness. I hope you will see all the wonderful things that you are and that you will have your dreams my Love.”

Happy birthday to me tomorrow. If you remember me on my birthday, thank you.  It means so much to me that I have a place in your memory and in your friendship and love. 2012: the year of “I’m all grown up” haha I’ve got nothing but love and gratitude, today and every day of my life, that will be the fire that burns in the hearth of my soul. 

"In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end"

"In order for there to be a new beginning,
there has to be an end."

“The hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.” It was a moment of unavoidable truth for me. It was a truth that I wanted to share, so I did.  But without context, that post did not communicate all that I felt or realized in the moment. So, here begins the unraveling. 

I did not make time to consider what New Year’s resolutions or dreams or wishes I’d make for 2012.  I did not begin to think about it until the drive to work on Tuesday morning.  I dreamed and let myself want my dreams.  

I thought of the gym of course. I thought of that wicked adorable bathing suit I bought last year, just in case I made it to Hawaii or California AND made good on my gym schedule promises. 

I thought of taking up Kung Fu for the sake of building up a foundation of confidence in my ability to protect myself if I ever needed to do so - that's just something I feel is lacking in my skill set.  I thought of the dance classes, the orchestra possibilities and the singing opportunities as well.  I laughed to and at myself...the things I think up.

I thought about finishing the books I've mostly written. I still believe in the idea of if one million people bought my book for a dollar that I'd be a millionaire haha I decided my life is missing meditation too and tried to remember the teachings I've studied about aligning my energy and being right inside :) I let my thoughts float up and connect to my joy.

My "resolutions", dreams and wishes turned to my dearly held want for family, for togetherness.  My thoughts turned to marriage and having babies and buying my first home where my dreams of love and happiness would live and thrive.  It was like someone unearthed my heart and let it breathe.  I felt alive and incredibly happy.  I felt excited and unconquerable.  I felt gratitude and anticipation.  I lived. 

And then, there was an invisible choking that took hold of my thoughts.  It was an inner restriction, a pain that came up and fenced off those dreams, with a disdainful reproach that those things are not for me.  It was a sad and terrible change.  I was suddenly alone and disconnected from all that had bloomed in my heart.  I felt the utter despair of “no” and stuck.

Where does this life sucking mechanism come from? Well, I’d have to attribute it to my history of prolonging terminal relationships for the sake of not yielding and accepting its death or knowing people for who they chose to be and not what I hope we can be. The "STOP" came from learning by example that "we" give, "we" take last, "we" work hardest, "we" do the most and "we" make the world beautiful, even if that means "we" don't ever go after what "we" want.     

Now it’s not a bad thing to be someone who will compromise or to be someone who seeks the happiness of the ones you love and care about.  However, after years and years of that behavior, there are times when like good old George Bailey, you feel like you’re standing on a bridge on Christmas Eve, ready to jump because in that despairing moment, all you feel your life is worth is the life insurance money. 

Like good old George Bailey, I felt like I was standing on the edge, ready to give up because I can’t imagine how so many years of my life have gone by, in good service, but to the waste of my own dreams because of the choices I made: to stay behind and to try again when there was no reason to try.

I see the results of the good choices I’ve made.  I see how they’ve made a difference in the lives of others.  I see how my support has helped someone else’s dreams happen in certain circumstances.  I see how the lives of those I’ve loved and love, are moving on and away from me because I am not part of their future plans.  It’s hard and it’s sad and that is when I thought, the hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.

Relationships can and do end without either party ever voicing that they know it’s over.  People can stay  in stagnant, habitual, "comfortable" relationships, friendships, jobs and lives for years.  But if they had the insight or the courage to take true inventory of the situation, they’d know something was not right because these lifeless "relationships" drive people away from their own dreams and passions. It is a form of death. 

Where does that leave me? I don’t know or perhaps I don’t want to look.  Something’s got to change or nothing will change.  I will not look down another birthday on the edge of “if only”.  If the dreams or the desires of the ones I love take them off onto a different life horizon, I will accept it and keep moving in the direction of my own dreams.

Someone once told me, "In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end." Be it an end of denial, an end of lies, an end of the unspoken, an end to waste, an end to uncertainty, an end of control, an end of waiting or an end to fear of the unknown, regardless of what I choose to end, there must be a new beginning. 

To the New Danner Baby

Kekoa & Melissa Danner's Baby

Dear Child, I do not know you yet, but as I sit here, I think of you and wonder into our future together.

I first saw a picture of you one month ago.  Your Uncle Ikaika called you "Alien".  One day when you look at the ultra sound picture you'll understand why :)

I guess I'll be the one you call Grandma one day.  I'm sorry if I struggle with that label, but you have to understand that it is not because I will not love you and guard you with my life, it's just because I am not ready for this stage of life.  I'm not ready to say "hello" to you the same way I was not ready to say "goodbye" to your Dad the day he moved away.  I'm not ready to move into this new role because for some reason, it feels like maybe something in me is ending.

I hope your Dad will help you to know me so you'll understand the type of Grandma I'll be to you.  I promise to love you and watch over you, even if it means a "tut tut" now and then to remind you to behave.  I promise to tell you stories of your Dad when he was growing up so that you will know how much you are like him.  I promise to help you find what it is that you love in this life and help teach you how to know what true happiness is.  I promise to give you the best of what I've got to offer so that the best of your Dad, of me and my predecessors will live in you.

Next year we'll have Christmas together.  I daresay you'll be spoiled rotten and that's alright, as long as you remember to say thank you and be genuinely grateful haha For now, I just wanted to make sure you know that I'm here and I'm thinking about you.  Stay strong little one.  The world is waiting for you.

A Glorious Day

It's a beautiful morning, I've got laundry washing, another load of laundry drying and dishes running in the washer.  The sun is shining, the gold fish are fed and I now have a few minutes to myself to think about today.

Today is Ikaika's 18th birthday.  I have two adult aged children as of this morning.  I put on some music by Embrace and reflected upon what I should feel about this day.  Time and time again, I've been told by friends or acquaintences of how great it will be when my kids are grown up so I can do whatever I want with my life.  What they may not understand is that all I ever wanted was to be Mom.  That is what I wanted to do with my life.

As I made Ikaika's graduation invitation, I looked back and thought of every precious moment now spent and categorized in images.  Memories are kind.  I look back and can be sentimental and remember the good things, not the diaper changes, sick days or sometimes the general unsureness of what to do to be the best Mom I could be to two sons who needed me. 

I found a picture of Kekoa and Ikaika nestled up next to me while I read to them.  Ikaika had the chicken pox and was covered in pink spots of dried calomine lotion.  Koa was all smiles, his chicken pox had come and gone by then, so he was comfortable there next to me in his batman pjs.  I found this picture of the boys on the day I graduated from college.  My Dad arranged it so that they each presented me with a flower lei.  The boys were so proud to give them to me.  What a beautiful memory. 

I look at these many pictures of their sweet, shiny faces. I remember their little hugs every day.  I remember the times of mini tantrums and tears as well.  My heart longs for a "do over"; another red and blue power rangers halloween, another Christmas Eve where they still put out donuts, cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer, another night of standing in the doorway to their bedroom, watching them sleep and knowing that all the world was right in that perfect moment.  I do not wish for this to be the end, to be left with only pictures and memories...I'd do this all over again, if only.

To my sons:  "Warrior King from Heaven" and "Prophet Who Rules with the Strength of Many Nations in his Blood". Once my babies, now young men still growing.  Everyday, no matter where you are, I am aware of you and sending you all the love I have and hoping that you remember.  I want you to remember what you've learned by being the sons you are.  I want you to live well and make the best choices you can for yourselves, for your families and if possible, to make this world a brighter, better place because you have been here. 

Nevermind that tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Today it's a glorious day for all three of us, somehow it feels like we made it through one more milestone.  I love you both.  Thank you for being my heart all of these years.  Love you, Mom.

The Great Love of My Life

Seems like an almost too cheesy title doesn't it? I know, but it's all I can think of tonight.  I've written pages and pages in several journals for years. In these tear stained pages, I've mused over what my life was like and have stoked the flames of my flickering impossible dream; The dream: finding home and being whole.

In one of my journals, I wrote down all of the names of every boy/man I was ever "in love" with. I remember them all. But the last name on that list, his name, made me take pause tonight, as I lay here in a shirt he wore last weekend, wrapped in a blanket we napped in before he left...I look at his name and all I can see is that he is the great love of my life.

In my years, I can say that I've been in love. I've been blindly infatuated. I've been loyal and devoted. I've been best friend, wife, girlfriend and crush to a few men, but I've always had to give something important up in those relationships; it was never as equal and level a back and forth trade as I believe equitable relationships should be. That is normal I'm sure and even with him, there are things that we compromise on, but honestly, no one has ever filled the place at my side so completely as this man has.  He gives me back the love that I show him...I find it quite mesmorizing.

Back in July of 2006, I wrote this long letter to "the Great Love of My Life", hoping that one day I'd be able to live the happy moments that I dreamed of and wrote down that starry, starry night. I opened up the pages of the journal that holds this letter and read it again tonight. I see that he and us, the way we are, it is more than I dared to write about or hope for at the time.  I didn't dare ask for what I wanted back then, just to be safe I guess, but in these months that have passed with us, he has been exactly what my heart has longed for. 

He is not just the normal list.  He's not just a smart man, not just a good Father, not just handsome or any other thing that I thought were good things about a person.  He is those things and more.  He is my safe place, my heart walking around outside of my body haha. He is passionate, he is strong, he is so understanding, he is stunningly beautiful, he is such a man and in his own way, he honors what is good in me, he lets me be woman and child and nurtures both in me. 

But best of all, he doesn't just need me, he wants me in his life too and he keeps me.  "Be happy." he says.  That means a lot.

I'm laying here in tears, not ones of longing or hoping, no, I'm laying here in tears knowing that he is far away from me tonight, but my tears are also of a happy gratitude that "he" is real. I think this is what people feel in their relationships and marriages, the ones that work or last. It's a wonderful thing to be loved and to be loved as everything to one man. Finally :)

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My babies...how I love you

"The moments we are most vulnerable, reveal the true passions within our hearts". -mojgan

This morning my Dad called me to catch me up on the things that people were saying about Ikaika after "The Trek". It is no surprise to me that people are astounded by my son, it is no surprise to hear that he was always first to help, was compassionate, was obedient, that he is now seen as "quite the catch" by mothers and fathers and girls in his ward and stake haha. I say it is no surprise because I have known him as special, as remarkable, as meant to be set apart for a certain purpose his whole life. I'm not saying that it didn't take my breath away, that it didn't make me tear up, that I didn't long to have him in my arms again so I could cuddle him and sing to him how wonderful he is to me, my baby bunny.

Yesterday Ikaika came shopping with me. He was telling me his story of the Trek and how he helped a girl who had twisted her ankle who got left behind. Yes my son, that is what we do...I grabbed his pinky in mine and kissed his cheek and told him it is right to be so compassionate and helpful and that I was proud of him. He just shrugs it off, but smiles a little brighter because he can feel the love I have for him and how in awe I am of him and his choices to be more than ordinary.

Koa is registering for his college classes this August. Even if high school was not his thing per se, I'm so glad that he has seen that a college education is valuable and that he has sought to do the things he needs to do in order for that to happen in his life. I love to hear his voice, it still has a hint of rasp in it the way it was back when he was a little boy. When I was talking to him I told him I had a doctor's appointment and he immediately said, "MOM, what's wrong?? Are you okay? Are you sick?" His concern is so sweet, I appreciate it and laugh to myself thinking of how this is how I used to react when anything was amiss in his world.

Koa had a hard year on his own, learning for himself lots of lessons that I hope will ripen into wisdom with time. But he also is so compassionate, fiercely loyal and loves him family. It's hard to believe he'll be in college cause I still see him as my chubby cheeked boy, who loved to be snuggled, but didn't want a name like "bunny" haha.

Koa checks in on me in our sporatic phone conversations:"...are you still happy, how is work..." and then he usually teases me about being so much smaller than he is now. I remind him often that I can still take him if necessary haha and he says, "Yeah, I know Mom." with a sigh. Honey, even if you outweigh me by 50 pounds or stand taller than I am, I'll always be your Mommer and you my sweet little Koa baby. It delights him that I can still hold and cradle him in my arms. I will as long as he'll let me :)

Moments like these are the small rewards or assurances that even if life was not what I thought it would be, even if it was difficult at

times and very lonely, that the good things that were put into my sons, the love, the insight, the lessons, the tending to their development...it all was worth it. My life was for them in so many ways and I am grateful that it was not poorly spent, that it counted for something as I hear about how my sons, both of them, love and care for the people around them.

I always wanted to be Mommy. I miss it now. It's almost been a year since they moved out. I have a different life now. In the course of the year, they've written me the dearest letters, reminding me that they love me, that they want to be everything good that they can be to make me proud, and that they are concerned that I'm alright. Those letters are my treasures, reminders that they knew and know that I love them, that it was real.

My grandfather told me when I was 8, 9, 10 years old that I was meant for something great...that I was meant to make a man great with all the talents that I had. I believed him. It was like a mission to find that man to make great. I gave everything I had to men hoping to find that one fit, that one man for whom my self imposed perception of "destiny" was created for.

In the process of searching, I raised my sons to be great and I see

right now, that perhaps they were who I was meant to make great after all :) I prefer that way of looking at it instead of wondering if I missed the boat on fulfillng my life calling. A great posterity...it was an honor to raise them and love them. What I wouldn't give to have that life again. The one of sleepy faced babies, crawling into my bed to hear stories about when they were little, just to hold them again and have my family. That's all I ever wanted, not money or houses or anything except my own family, a good, happy one. I think I had it for a while.

Happy Birthday Ikaika

May 7th...It is Ikaikaolahui's 16th birthday :) I can hardly believe it.

This morning he came into my room, laid down in the cradle of my arm, and I sang him a little Happy Birthday song. On the way to school, I was giving him the low down on the day, early session of Kung Fu today, followed by cake at our house for the family. We pinky shook in agreement, although Ikaika thinks that doesn't mean he agreed to the plan today...Kaika, Kaika...pinky shakes are binding in this family ;) hehehe.

There was a hot air balloon out this morning and I teased him, "You see, there it is, in honor of your birthday, just like I requested." He of course just rolled his eyes at me. I told him, "Look closer, it says, 'Happy Birthday Kaika' on it." So he leaned forward and took a closer look up at the balloon. The hot air balloon had various color blocks on it, but no discernable writing, and Ikaika was quick to correct me, "Mom, you're crazy, there are no words on that balloon." To which I replied, "Oh, it's in color language, you see, the big blue square in the middle of the balloon... it's your name." Again, my little Kaikers rolls his eyes at me..."Mom..." he laughs.

As we sit at the stop light, I half tickle him and tell him that I also requested the beautiful weather today for his birthday. Eyes roll again as he smiles at me. I start to tell Ikaika about how he was not he biggest baby born 16 years ago. There was a girl baby that outweighed him by 4 ounces. I kind of joked that she was gargantuan, like a sumo wrapped in a white blanket with a pink beanie on so you knew she was a baby. Ikaika said dryly, "4 ounces is not that much." I snapped back with, "When you are pushing it out of your body, it can make or break you." We all shudder at the thought...oy birthing...then laugh it off; the boys cause they'll never have to know what it's like to have a baby and me, well I laugh it off because it's hard to believe I ever had babies period.

Dropping the boys off at school, I tell them I love them, and wish them a good day, and Ikaika is quick to tease me back, "So is that your third gift to me?" "Yes Pants, it is." And our game for the morning ride is complete. I watched that little Bun and my Koa move up the walk towards the high school. Refusing to cry in the parking lot, I smile and think instead of what it must be like for him right now, to be 16, then I wander back in my mind thinking, "What on earth was I doing when I was 16?"

Driving home, I remembered. I went to Timpview just like Koa and Kaika do now - lol. On my 16th birthday, my family came to my Sophomore basketball game in the girl's gym. My Mom brought a cake and they sang to me. On the way home, some BYU student rear ended us, so we didn't go out to dinner for my birthday, however it was a really good day anyways. Best friends at the time were Snyders, Mindy, and my partner in all sorts of crime: Susan Anderson. Sue rules...I think she somehow got me a picture of SH on a motorcycle for my birthday...hahaha, shoot, I'm pretty sure I gifted that photo on to Jenny Snyder a couple of weeks later :). Thanks Susan :)

Funny enough, I just saw Cornell and Becky Saluone last night at my softball game. The Saluones went to Provo High and Susan and I thought they were pretty cool hehehe. Friday night fun back then: High school basketball games followed by dancing at The Palace with Dave Smith, DeAnn Toledo, my cousins Heather and Kanani, and Susan of course. Music that we loved: Oh my gosh, well, it was 1990, so we had quite the selection, but I'll wince and name a few favorites from that time: Poison, GnR, Journey, The Cure, Skid Row, Cinderella, Eazy E...yeah...shoot haha. I remember the wardrobe of choice back then as well: bandanas, sweatshirts and boxers over thermals...Susan with her Converse shoes and collection of Swatch watches, me with my hiking boots and frou frou hair bows. Quite the athletic fashion statement huh...haha, what were we thinking?

Crush at the time: Hmm...well it was a transition time for me ;) Finishing up the SH thing, moving on to the Law boy from Provo High...sigh haha. Fast forward to today: Still transitioning (lol) and oddly enough, I find myself absolutely in love with the Law brothers...nice how some things only get exponentially better with time hahaha. Speaking of things that remained the same...I still get too little sleep, dream a lot, and am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. My Life :)

Back to the present and the most important subject of the day: Ikaika.

To the baby: Happy Birthday my son. Your Mommer misses you being a little Pants and has had a good cry remembering you this morning. I can still see you standing outside in the front yard, with your strawberry Poptart bribe in hand as reward for going to Milestone aka "little kids prison"...you and Koa at the McDonald's playland...the year you and Koa were Power Rangers for Halloween and found out that when you knocked on people's doors they gave you candy...for free. How Christine used to ask you to say "yellow" repeatedly cause you would say, "Lellow", until you got wise to the game and one day simply answered, "Pink." Hahaha...you were born with attitude weren't you my darling one :)

Happy, Happy Birthday Ikaika...if I could write it in color blocks it would be: yellow, orange, red...blue ;)