May 7th...It is Ikaikaolahui's 16th birthday :) I can hardly believe it.
This morning he came into my room, laid down in the cradle of my arm, and I sang him a little Happy Birthday song. On the way to school, I was giving him the low down on the day, early session of Kung Fu today, followed by cake at our house for the family. We pinky shook in agreement, although Ikaika thinks that doesn't mean he agreed to the plan today...Kaika, Kaika...pinky shakes are binding in this family ;) hehehe.
There was a hot air balloon out this morning and I teased him, "You see, there it is, in honor of your birthday, just like I requested." He of course just rolled his eyes at me. I told him, "Look closer, it says, 'Happy Birthday Kaika' on it." So he leaned forward and took a closer look up at the balloon. The hot air balloon had various color blocks on it, but no discernable writing, and Ikaika was quick to correct me, "Mom, you're crazy, there are no words on that balloon." To which I replied, "Oh, it's in color language, you see, the big blue square in the middle of the balloon... it's your name." Again, my little Kaikers rolls his eyes at me..."Mom..." he laughs.
As we sit at the stop light, I half tickle him and tell him that I also requested the beautiful weather today for his birthday. Eyes roll again as he smiles at me. I start to tell Ikaika about how he was not he biggest baby born 16 years ago. There was a girl baby that outweighed him by 4 ounces. I kind of joked that she was gargantuan, like a sumo wrapped in a white blanket with a pink beanie on so you knew she was a baby. Ikaika said dryly, "4 ounces is not that much." I snapped back with, "When you are pushing it out of your body, it can make or break you." We all shudder at the thought...oy birthing...then laugh it off; the boys cause they'll never have to know what it's like to have a baby and me, well I laugh it off because it's hard to believe I ever had babies period.
Dropping the boys off at school, I tell them I love them, and wish them a good day, and Ikaika is quick to tease me back, "So is that your third gift to me?" "Yes Pants, it is." And our game for the morning ride is complete. I watched that little Bun and my Koa move up the walk towards the high school. Refusing to cry in the parking lot, I smile and think instead of what it must be like for him right now, to be 16, then I wander back in my mind thinking, "What on earth was I doing when I was 16?"
Driving home, I remembered. I went to Timpview just like Koa and Kaika do now - lol. On my 16th birthday, my family came to my Sophomore basketball game in the girl's gym. My Mom brought a cake and they sang to me. On the way home, some BYU student rear ended us, so we didn't go out to dinner for my birthday, however it was a really good day anyways. Best friends at the time were Snyders, Mindy, and my partner in all sorts of crime: Susan Anderson. Sue rules...I think she somehow got me a picture of SH on a motorcycle for my birthday...hahaha, shoot, I'm pretty sure I gifted that photo on to Jenny Snyder a couple of weeks later :). Thanks Susan :)
Funny enough, I just saw Cornell and Becky Saluone last night at my softball game. The Saluones went to Provo High and Susan and I thought they were pretty cool hehehe. Friday night fun back then: High school basketball games followed by dancing at The Palace with Dave Smith, DeAnn Toledo, my cousins Heather and Kanani, and Susan of course. Music that we loved: Oh my gosh, well, it was 1990, so we had quite the selection, but I'll wince and name a few favorites from that time: Poison, GnR, Journey, The Cure, Skid Row, Cinderella, Eazy E...yeah...shoot haha. I remember the wardrobe of choice back then as well: bandanas, sweatshirts and boxers over thermals...Susan with her Converse shoes and collection of Swatch watches, me with my hiking boots and frou frou hair bows. Quite the athletic fashion statement huh...haha, what were we thinking?
Crush at the time: Hmm...well it was a transition time for me ;) Finishing up the SH thing, moving on to the Law boy from Provo High...sigh haha. Fast forward to today: Still transitioning (lol) and oddly enough, I find myself absolutely in love with the Law brothers...nice how some things only get exponentially better with time hahaha. Speaking of things that remained the same...I still get too little sleep, dream a lot, and am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. My Life :)
Back to the present and the most important subject of the day: Ikaika.
To the baby: Happy Birthday my son. Your Mommer misses you being a little Pants and has had a good cry remembering you this morning. I can still see you standing outside in the front yard, with your strawberry Poptart bribe in hand as reward for going to Milestone aka "little kids prison"...you and Koa at the McDonald's playland...the year you and Koa were Power Rangers for Halloween and found out that when you knocked on people's doors they gave you candy...for free. How Christine used to ask you to say "yellow" repeatedly cause you would say, "Lellow", until you got wise to the game and one day simply answered, "Pink." Hahaha...you were born with attitude weren't you my darling one :)
Happy, Happy Birthday Ikaika...if I could write it in color blocks it would be: yellow, orange, red...blue ;)
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Idaho and "Dear Mom..."
It's May. The last couple of weeks have been semi soul wringing, trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. My life...sometimes I wonder what that is at all. Tris was messaging with me a couple of weeks ago, sensing the downward unknown going on in me, so she invited me up to visit her in Idaho. And then over that weekend, she also offered me a new job at her company.
I went up to Idaho, it felt a lot like running away from the not knowing what to do here. Tris and her husband and I talked a lot. It is great to know that I have such kind and loving friends who want so many good things for me. I wanted the job, I wanted the new life, the one where I cut ties with everything here that haunts me at times. It was hard to leave there, where life was a blank slate, full of possibility, and I left Idaho determined to make a new life for myself there.
But then I came home. I told the boys that we were going to move. I didn't feel any push back, but they were not very excited either. It was more of a solemn agreement to be supportive. So I watched them, I listened to what they were not saying, and began to rethink my decision.
I get my best inspiration in the shower - funny huh. So I was washing my hair and thinking, "Well, why is this not the right thing to do?" In that moment, I began to get all of these ideas about what was important to me. The thing that "did the trick" was a promise I was given that I'd be successful in my professional endeavors, but that the most important work I'd do would be within the walls of my own home - it was a call to always put my home and family first. That little promise has curbed so many of my choices since I was 22. And then there was a clarity that I have not felt it a long time come to my mind and all I could see were the faces of my sons.
And the decision was made. I talked to the boys the next morning and let them know that I loved them and that I would not ask them to sacrifice so much, that I realized my joy was in their happiness, and that it would be selfish to require a life change of them. They didn't seem too enthused about my decision, in fact they mostly just waved it off and didn't even seem the least bit relieved, but I felt that I had made the right decision for our family.
In the last few days since we had that talk, I have just looked on them with such love. The stress of trying to figure out my life, how to do better at my job, how to make decisions about my time had all taken my focus off the boys. The running away to Idaho was a great opportunity to stand back and see what matters to me. I am very grateful for that.
I feel much more grounded today. I see so much of how my life is grace, peace, beauty, love, and joyful kindness. All I could see a couple of weeks ago was the wreckage, as if I'd failed miserably at life and needed to put myself far away so that I didn't have to see or remember anymore. But the more open I have been to acknowledging the blessings in my life, the more I see that I am going to be more than okay, in fact, even now, I am more myself than I've ever been.
So today, Kekoa gave me an envelope with "MOM" written on it. He had written me a letter. There was a lot to it, but the part I will share is this:
"It helps me to know I have you to look to for support. Mom, thank you SO much for all that you do for me and everything you have taught me...I'm grateful to be your son. I want to be the best I can so people can look at me and say how great of a Mom you are because you are a great Mom. Love, Koa aka 'Your Baby'"
It's hard you know, to look at my life and think of 'where I should be' and have those 'if only...' thoughts, but then there are these little gifts that remind me that my life has not been a waste. I meant something, maybe even everything to two boys. I want so much for them, I want so much for us in our little family of 3.
Anyways...it's late, I'm just sitting at my kitchen table crying now, so glad that somehow I fumbled through to the "right choice" and being grateful that I have time to still be the Mommer that loves these babies.
I went up to Idaho, it felt a lot like running away from the not knowing what to do here. Tris and her husband and I talked a lot. It is great to know that I have such kind and loving friends who want so many good things for me. I wanted the job, I wanted the new life, the one where I cut ties with everything here that haunts me at times. It was hard to leave there, where life was a blank slate, full of possibility, and I left Idaho determined to make a new life for myself there.
But then I came home. I told the boys that we were going to move. I didn't feel any push back, but they were not very excited either. It was more of a solemn agreement to be supportive. So I watched them, I listened to what they were not saying, and began to rethink my decision.
I get my best inspiration in the shower - funny huh. So I was washing my hair and thinking, "Well, why is this not the right thing to do?" In that moment, I began to get all of these ideas about what was important to me. The thing that "did the trick" was a promise I was given that I'd be successful in my professional endeavors, but that the most important work I'd do would be within the walls of my own home - it was a call to always put my home and family first. That little promise has curbed so many of my choices since I was 22. And then there was a clarity that I have not felt it a long time come to my mind and all I could see were the faces of my sons.
And the decision was made. I talked to the boys the next morning and let them know that I loved them and that I would not ask them to sacrifice so much, that I realized my joy was in their happiness, and that it would be selfish to require a life change of them. They didn't seem too enthused about my decision, in fact they mostly just waved it off and didn't even seem the least bit relieved, but I felt that I had made the right decision for our family.
In the last few days since we had that talk, I have just looked on them with such love. The stress of trying to figure out my life, how to do better at my job, how to make decisions about my time had all taken my focus off the boys. The running away to Idaho was a great opportunity to stand back and see what matters to me. I am very grateful for that.
I feel much more grounded today. I see so much of how my life is grace, peace, beauty, love, and joyful kindness. All I could see a couple of weeks ago was the wreckage, as if I'd failed miserably at life and needed to put myself far away so that I didn't have to see or remember anymore. But the more open I have been to acknowledging the blessings in my life, the more I see that I am going to be more than okay, in fact, even now, I am more myself than I've ever been.
So today, Kekoa gave me an envelope with "MOM" written on it. He had written me a letter. There was a lot to it, but the part I will share is this:
"It helps me to know I have you to look to for support. Mom, thank you SO much for all that you do for me and everything you have taught me...I'm grateful to be your son. I want to be the best I can so people can look at me and say how great of a Mom you are because you are a great Mom. Love, Koa aka 'Your Baby'"
It's hard you know, to look at my life and think of 'where I should be' and have those 'if only...' thoughts, but then there are these little gifts that remind me that my life has not been a waste. I meant something, maybe even everything to two boys. I want so much for them, I want so much for us in our little family of 3.
Anyways...it's late, I'm just sitting at my kitchen table crying now, so glad that somehow I fumbled through to the "right choice" and being grateful that I have time to still be the Mommer that loves these babies.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
My heaven...my home :)
It is late and I'm enjoying the quiet time in the clean warmth of my room. Since Christmas there have been many changes, there have been many times that I did not know wha
t was to become of me or if I even cared anymore, so overwhelmed by the blasts of change that shook my very foundation. I am only now settling in after the storm, grateful that it feels like it is time for peace again for a while.
I went to California last weekend. I didn't revel in it as I usually do, in fact, this was the most low key of my short weekend trips, however it was nice to be with my ocean for a while. I must admit, I longed for home in Utah hours after I arrived in LA...that has never happened before. I missed the boys...I wanted to see them, to kiss their baby faces, to hold their hands, to hear their voices...I was so lonely without them.
Saturday I drove around LA...just going all over, soaking in what I loved about that place, but for some reason, the connection I used to feel to everything from the dirt to the graffiti was no longer there. It seems that my heart has adjusted to the mountains and the quiet in the canyon at night when I'm staring up at the stars. Usually the earth and the plants call to m
e, but this time there was silence, I was not as amazed as I usually am...perhaps my heart truly lives in Utah now.
But the ocean...to see it again...to hear it, to taste it on my hands, to stand in the ocean and be joined again with that element that completes me...that was wonderful. It was Valentine's day and there I was, on that broken pier piece on the Playa del Rey, sitting overlooking the crashing waves that seemed to jump up around me. I dangled my feet over the edge, just to be closer to the water. I felt like some type of royal, there on this pedestal of sorts, while the waves of water crashed around me like some chaotic orchestra...it was magical :) Then I laid back and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. I laid there and felt numb for a while, but then started thinking of my boys and the family I hope to have and that numbness melted away and left me salt water soaked from both my tears and the ocean water. I was there for a couple of hours, just being with the ocean, thinking in my mind, nurturing the love I have for nature and for Him who creates all of this beauty. It was a very good day. I think that I will always love the ocean, I will love where I came from, but now, I love the peace and beauty of my home and my little family more.
I was glad to get home. I was glad to see my sons. I was glad to see that my home was as I left it, safe, cozy, clean, and right. I talked with the boys about their weekend. I love to hear them tell me about their adventures. They take turns correcting each other about the left out details of the other's story...bossy pants kids, yup, they are mine, propriety bred into their cells, and a bit of arrogant condescension as well as they take turns being the authority on what "really happened". My boys...how I love you.
So the boys have been going to Kung Fu. That was an inspired event. I had to swallow my pride and take a real look at what I can provide the boys as their mother. I have given them much, I have charged them with even more, but one night, when I was
observing and talking to a new friend of mine, I realized that I cannot make them complete, that they would need to learn how to be men from, well, men. The boys kind of fought me on the going to Kung Fu thing, and it is hard on my heart. If they could understand the intention of my heart is not to make them suffer, it is to look at the long view of things, to give them opportunity, and to have them learn what they need to know to be whole. I want so much for them...I pray often that they will feel the intent of my heart...one day if not today.
I am so proud of them when I watch them at the Kung Fu class. I see them working and moving and trying and doing. They are little men, not babies then. And after class, they are so much more confident, straight speaking, and aligned with who they are, I see them as men then and feel such relief and gratitude for all the people who contribute to their goodness. Oh boys...I just want you to be everything you were sent to be...I love you as the borrowed gifts from heaven that you are, as the divine sons of a loving, perfect God...as my babies for a while yet, but not for long.
Kekoa was going on about the girls in his life tonight after Kung Fu. Ikaika was expounding on the stupidness of girls in general. But it was fun, to hear them in their own words, explaining their experiences. I have to say that when they ask me, "Hey Mom, what do you do to ma
ke a girl like you?" that I answer them pretty honestly, which I think makes them somewhat formidable weapons against girls (lol) but I know their hearts, and whilst they may play some games, the emphasis on not being a tool or hurting other people is pretty deeply part of their nature.
One thing I have to write about is Ikaika's latest practice driving time. Imagine teaching a strong willed, terrified boy how to drive a stick shift car...lol...it has been fun to say the least. Kekoa is happily yelling directions at Ikaika while he drives, berating his shifting skills, laughin
g in a riotess manner when Ikaika stalls, and acting like an old pro every time Ikaika does somthing he's not supposed to do.
I am there playing referee mostly, telling Ikaika to stop jerking the wheel like its a video game, and telling Kekoa to shut his mouth cause its not helping to have 2 people yelling instructions as Ikaika. We went through the same 4-way stop twice to make sure Ikaika got the hang of starting and stopping. The first time through, Ikaika stalled the car and Kekoa laughed and laughed, while Ikaika threatened to get out of the car and walk home, while I told him to pull it together and start the car and GO! Sigh...the second time through that same 4-way stop resulted in Ikaika telling me and Koa that he hated us for making him do the 4-way stop again while he laughed nervously. He stalled the car twice at the 4-way stop that time...nei
ther Koa nor I were instructing Ikaika, we were both laughing so hard that we were crying. This of course pushed Ikaika's independent buttons and he started the car and drove through the 4-way stop telling me and Kekoa that we were jerks...of course he was laughing too then...we all were.
Sigh...it's times like that that make me smile...just the simple things you know, where we are all 3 being our individual selves within the safety and joy of our little family. I love these times, I think that they are a blessing to my life. I think I realized that I do not need to wander away from home to find what I am looking for anymore. It is my heaven...here in my home. :)
t was to become of me or if I even cared anymore, so overwhelmed by the blasts of change that shook my very foundation. I am only now settling in after the storm, grateful that it feels like it is time for peace again for a while.I went to California last weekend. I didn't revel in it as I usually do, in fact, this was the most low key of my short weekend trips, however it was nice to be with my ocean for a while. I must admit, I longed for home in Utah hours after I arrived in LA...that has never happened before. I missed the boys...I wanted to see them, to kiss their baby faces, to hold their hands, to hear their voices...I was so lonely without them.
Saturday I drove around LA...just going all over, soaking in what I loved about that place, but for some reason, the connection I used to feel to everything from the dirt to the graffiti was no longer there. It seems that my heart has adjusted to the mountains and the quiet in the canyon at night when I'm staring up at the stars. Usually the earth and the plants call to m
e, but this time there was silence, I was not as amazed as I usually am...perhaps my heart truly lives in Utah now.But the ocean...to see it again...to hear it, to taste it on my hands, to stand in the ocean and be joined again with that element that completes me...that was wonderful. It was Valentine's day and there I was, on that broken pier piece on the Playa del Rey, sitting overlooking the crashing waves that seemed to jump up around me. I dangled my feet over the edge, just to be closer to the water. I felt like some type of royal, there on this pedestal of sorts, while the waves of water crashed around me like some chaotic orchestra...it was magical :) Then I laid back and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. I laid there and felt numb for a while, but then started thinking of my boys and the family I hope to have and that numbness melted away and left me salt water soaked from both my tears and the ocean water. I was there for a couple of hours, just being with the ocean, thinking in my mind, nurturing the love I have for nature and for Him who creates all of this beauty. It was a very good day. I think that I will always love the ocean, I will love where I came from, but now, I love the peace and beauty of my home and my little family more.
I was glad to get home. I was glad to see my sons. I was glad to see that my home was as I left it, safe, cozy, clean, and right. I talked with the boys about their weekend. I love to hear them tell me about their adventures. They take turns correcting each other about the left out details of the other's story...bossy pants kids, yup, they are mine, propriety bred into their cells, and a bit of arrogant condescension as well as they take turns being the authority on what "really happened". My boys...how I love you.
So the boys have been going to Kung Fu. That was an inspired event. I had to swallow my pride and take a real look at what I can provide the boys as their mother. I have given them much, I have charged them with even more, but one night, when I was
observing and talking to a new friend of mine, I realized that I cannot make them complete, that they would need to learn how to be men from, well, men. The boys kind of fought me on the going to Kung Fu thing, and it is hard on my heart. If they could understand the intention of my heart is not to make them suffer, it is to look at the long view of things, to give them opportunity, and to have them learn what they need to know to be whole. I want so much for them...I pray often that they will feel the intent of my heart...one day if not today.I am so proud of them when I watch them at the Kung Fu class. I see them working and moving and trying and doing. They are little men, not babies then. And after class, they are so much more confident, straight speaking, and aligned with who they are, I see them as men then and feel such relief and gratitude for all the people who contribute to their goodness. Oh boys...I just want you to be everything you were sent to be...I love you as the borrowed gifts from heaven that you are, as the divine sons of a loving, perfect God...as my babies for a while yet, but not for long.
Kekoa was going on about the girls in his life tonight after Kung Fu. Ikaika was expounding on the stupidness of girls in general. But it was fun, to hear them in their own words, explaining their experiences. I have to say that when they ask me, "Hey Mom, what do you do to ma
ke a girl like you?" that I answer them pretty honestly, which I think makes them somewhat formidable weapons against girls (lol) but I know their hearts, and whilst they may play some games, the emphasis on not being a tool or hurting other people is pretty deeply part of their nature.One thing I have to write about is Ikaika's latest practice driving time. Imagine teaching a strong willed, terrified boy how to drive a stick shift car...lol...it has been fun to say the least. Kekoa is happily yelling directions at Ikaika while he drives, berating his shifting skills, laughin
g in a riotess manner when Ikaika stalls, and acting like an old pro every time Ikaika does somthing he's not supposed to do.I am there playing referee mostly, telling Ikaika to stop jerking the wheel like its a video game, and telling Kekoa to shut his mouth cause its not helping to have 2 people yelling instructions as Ikaika. We went through the same 4-way stop twice to make sure Ikaika got the hang of starting and stopping. The first time through, Ikaika stalled the car and Kekoa laughed and laughed, while Ikaika threatened to get out of the car and walk home, while I told him to pull it together and start the car and GO! Sigh...the second time through that same 4-way stop resulted in Ikaika telling me and Koa that he hated us for making him do the 4-way stop again while he laughed nervously. He stalled the car twice at the 4-way stop that time...nei
ther Koa nor I were instructing Ikaika, we were both laughing so hard that we were crying. This of course pushed Ikaika's independent buttons and he started the car and drove through the 4-way stop telling me and Kekoa that we were jerks...of course he was laughing too then...we all were.Sigh...it's times like that that make me smile...just the simple things you know, where we are all 3 being our individual selves within the safety and joy of our little family. I love these times, I think that they are a blessing to my life. I think I realized that I do not need to wander away from home to find what I am looking for anymore. It is my heaven...here in my home. :)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
Ahh...it's Christmas day...I'm waiting while the boys get ready to leave for the weekend...thought I'd write some nice stuff in the meantime.I woke up this morning to Kekoa's phone call..."Mom...are you awake? Did you just wake up? Come to breakfast in 1/2 hour..." Last night the boys spent the night with my brothers playing the Wii at Keaka's house. It's a different kind of Christmas Eve now that the boys are kind of grown...they'd rather hang out with my crazy brothers than wait for Santa ;)
I have to admit that I do not miss the Christmas Eve's where I gnawed on 9 carrots and ate some cookies or donut that was left for Santa...when they were little, the boys always checked to make sure that Santa and the reindeer had eaten their treats...yuck haha.
I have to admit that I do not miss the Christmas Eve's where I gnawed on 9 carrots and ate some cookies or donut that was left for Santa...when they were little, the boys always checked to make sure that Santa and the reindeer had eaten their treats...yuck haha.
We had our traditional Hanamaikai Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange at Keaka's house. Britney had the nieces and nephews perform the Christmas Story. It's adorable to see children bundled up in various towels and sheets, dragging each other around the room, the way the crying enrupts amidst the laughter and dazed gazes off into space as they kneel around a little doll in a basket. It was precious. I remember Kekoa's first Christmas...he was the doll in the basket that year...ahh, what a darling baby.
After the end of the Christmas story, I played Joy to the World as my annual violin solo showing and the family sang together. After that it was all a mess of wrapping paper and clapping as we took turns
opening gifts. I tend to melt back into the scenery and watch my family, how they have all grown up, how the nieces and nephews are not babies any more either, but most of all, I just watch and wonder how did so much time pass since it was me, Quinn, and Kaleo teasing Haruko on her smurf big wheel while Keaka sneaked our candy out of our stockings...sigh.
This morning I got ready and headed over to my Mom's house for breakfast. It's so nice to walk into the house, warm and a buzz with all of the voices of the people I love the most. As I entered, I was greeted by "KUULEI!!!"...hahaha...they love me ;) I teased Kiko with a nod to Harry Potter by wishing her a Happy Christmas, then we broke down laughing...Kiko and her "Hogwarts is not real, but I wish it was" issues.
After the end of the Christmas story, I played Joy to the World as my annual violin solo showing and the family sang together. After that it was all a mess of wrapping paper and clapping as we took turns
opening gifts. I tend to melt back into the scenery and watch my family, how they have all grown up, how the nieces and nephews are not babies any more either, but most of all, I just watch and wonder how did so much time pass since it was me, Quinn, and Kaleo teasing Haruko on her smurf big wheel while Keaka sneaked our candy out of our stockings...sigh.This morning I got ready and headed over to my Mom's house for breakfast. It's so nice to walk into the house, warm and a buzz with all of the voices of the people I love the most. As I entered, I was greeted by "KUULEI!!!"...hahaha...they love me ;) I teased Kiko with a nod to Harry Potter by wishing her a Happy Christmas, then we broke down laughing...Kiko and her "Hogwarts is not real, but I wish it was" issues.
We had a lovely breakfast...just a lot of talking and then opening of gifts. My fav gift this year was the book, "The Alchemist" that my Mom got for me. It's perfect for me, if you know the book you'll know that it is me. The boys got me earrings from Argento and a beautiful red scarf. They know how to love and spoil their Mommer :)This year the boys are so grown up that it was just clothes. It's not as fun as buying toys for them like when they were little, but they are happy strutting around asking, "Hey Mom...this looks good huh." Mmhmm! You are both ridiculously good looking!
Ah, I am beginning to feel that kind of anticlimatic melancholy right now...I'm at home and the house feels soo empty without the boys here with me. I miss them, but I know they are off to brighten the lives of the rest of their family...the boys, you are the best...you make your Mom so proud. I am going to head back to my Mom's house where I will pull out the violin for an encore performance at the neighbor's house as our family gift to them.
I just wanted to give you a glimpse into what Christmas is like for us. Not alot of glitz, but definitely a lot of love. Here is a favorite Christmas wish to all of you, my friends: I wish you all, each and every one, all your own dearly held hopes and wishes and dreams come true from this day forward as I also thank you all, each and every one, for all the joy, inspiration and grace you bring to my life. Merry Christmas :)
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Life is not always sunshine...
It's the 7th of October. In 4 days, the last of my siblings will be married. I look on this day with gratitude and terror. Are we all so grown up now? I don't feel it yet. I stare into the mirror as I wash my face, searching for the signs of the onset of my 35th year, staring into my own eyes and wondering why...You know there is this song titled "Why" by Annie Lennox. I remember hearing it when I was 18, setting up for the lunch rush in the restaurant I used to work in. I remember hearing the song and thinking, how does someone encapsulate how I feel so well? It's 16 years later and those same feelings linger...
How many times
do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry
for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun...
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel
I must have my own family now. I have created it the best way that I know how. I have put my heart and soul into my sons. I see them and see what I wish I would have been: better, stronger, cleaner, more loved, protected, and cared for. The perfect family...The dream of having that with my original family is something I am saying goodbye to today.
I'll be there at the wedding Saturday. I will smile, and laugh, and hug the people that I
love. I will cry and mean it because only I will know that I'm saying goodbye. I will take in the moment, I will drink deep of the way I love what I've long admired in my Father...in my Mother...in my siblings and their children, but at the end of the night, it will be an obligation fulfilled and I will find my way back to my life and close the door on the other.I almost hate posting this, but maybe someone out there will read it and know that I know how you feel, at least to a degree. I'd rather share the experience and show that I do believe the honest sharing of life is more important than hiding the truth behind a sweet, well laquered facade.
Life is not always sunshine...as in nature, there are times when tears fall, ache and darkness cover the landscape for a moment, but then we move on; there will be another Spring, a time when we rise up, wiser, more compassionate, and better armed for the days ahead. I just have to look forward to the next season during the Winters of the soul.
Life is not always sunshine...as in nature, there are times when tears fall, ache and darkness cover the landscape for a moment, but then we move on; there will be another Spring, a time when we rise up, wiser, more compassionate, and better armed for the days ahead. I just have to look forward to the next season during the Winters of the soul.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Latest with Kuulei and the Boys :)
I should be going back to sleep for another 1/2 hour, but the morning is too perfect to waste sleeping. I pulled out the laptop, opened up my room window to let in some of the last of the temperate morning breeze of the season, put on some Bocelli and a little Wyclef Jean to sing to me of the sentimental longing about leaving the ones we love and returning in November...Laying here on my bed, the blankets all gathered around me, I feel nestled in and ready to write about my boys :)Last night, Kekoa was downloading pictures of his homecoming date last weekend on Facebook. He wanted me to say that his date was pretty...I kind of held it over him and didn't gush an "Oooo" or "Ahhh" about the girl, however, I sure did about him. It's amazing to see Koa now; he's grown up, the babyish chub around his chin continues to fade away, replaced by this awful facial hair nest that he says that girls say is "sexy". Yeah, I had him shave it last week and plan on having him shave the remains again today.
But honestly, he's so handsome. When he was getting ready for the dance last weekend, I was just watching him thinking how that the then little 5 pounds 7 ounces baby boy grew up to be 190 pounds of semi devastatingly gorgeous young man. He does have some of his Dad's physical features, even some of his Dad's personality, but overall, he is uniquely Koa. He kept asking me if he looked good, "Yes son...you look great." Sigh...he's beautiful and so darn adorable, checking himself again and again in the mirror...my Koa.I went to the homecoming football game with the boys on Friday night last week. At Timpview, it seems common for people who went to school there to gather to the homecoming game, so I went to see who I could see. I texted the boys when I arrived, then made my way through aisles of kids running around in orange and blue. All of the sudden, I felt two big arms squeeze me from the side...it was Koa. He had come down the stands to take me up to him and Kaikers. He stood in front of me, so I wrapped my arms around his chest and we walked through the mess of cheering/talking freakishly hyper kids together :)
The boys were sitting in the student section. I know I should have sat in the section just to the right of that one with other adult onlookers, but I came to the game to be with my boys, so I stood between them, kind of hiding, balancing in my heels in between my boys on the bench. Kekoa introduced me to one of his friends. She seemed like a cute little poly girl.
Then there is Robert, a friend that Koa has known since grade school. He's part Hawaiian, but mostly caucasian, however the ukulele in hand and the pidgeon that he speaks says otherwise. I'm glad that Koa has Robert to be silly poly kids with...it's cool and yet I strain at the idea. But when I look at Koa, when I look at his swaggering walk, or the way he looks all "tough" with his masculine postures, it reminds me of a younger John Hanamaikai, my grandfather, who was too cool for words and just enough tender hearted to win the heart and hand of a lovely japanese girl all those years ago in Hawaii.
I often think to myself, "Grandpa, you'd better watch out for my boy...he's so like you, just watch out for him okay." I think my Grandpa Hanamaikai wanted my parents to name one of their sons "Kekoa", but it never happened, so I took the name and gave it to my son instead, and coupled with my Grandpa's middle name "Keli'i" too. I loved that man, even though I didn't know him well.
I love my Grandpa Hanamaikai, for his harshness, for his kindness, for all the strength and weakness of him that I know pulses through my veins as well. It was only right to name my son in his honor. When Koa is headstrong against me, I can almost imagine my Grandpa laughing at me as he remembers what it's like to argue and power play with his children, most of all, I can imagine him telling me, "Bay (as in babe) ...be careful, don't push him too hard." spoken from a person who knows. I hope one day to be able to present my Koa to my Grandpa, to proudly show him how wonderful his posterity has become and the good works we have done with his name.
Then there is Robert, a friend that Koa has known since grade school. He's part Hawaiian, but mostly caucasian, however the ukulele in hand and the pidgeon that he speaks says otherwise. I'm glad that Koa has Robert to be silly poly kids with...it's cool and yet I strain at the idea. But when I look at Koa, when I look at his swaggering walk, or the way he looks all "tough" with his masculine postures, it reminds me of a younger John Hanamaikai, my grandfather, who was too cool for words and just enough tender hearted to win the heart and hand of a lovely japanese girl all those years ago in Hawaii.
I often think to myself, "Grandpa, you'd better watch out for my boy...he's so like you, just watch out for him okay." I think my Grandpa Hanamaikai wanted my parents to name one of their sons "Kekoa", but it never happened, so I took the name and gave it to my son instead, and coupled with my Grandpa's middle name "Keli'i" too. I loved that man, even though I didn't know him well.
I love my Grandpa Hanamaikai, for his harshness, for his kindness, for all the strength and weakness of him that I know pulses through my veins as well. It was only right to name my son in his honor. When Koa is headstrong against me, I can almost imagine my Grandpa laughing at me as he remembers what it's like to argue and power play with his children, most of all, I can imagine him telling me, "Bay (as in babe) ...be careful, don't push him too hard." spoken from a person who knows. I hope one day to be able to present my Koa to my Grandpa, to proudly show him how wonderful his posterity has become and the good works we have done with his name.
Oh that was quite the aside....back to the story...Kekoa proceeded to tell the girl that I used to go to school at Timpview. She kind of squeeled and asked, "What did you do here?" Umm...let me think, how do I answer that one? Haha. So I told her that I played volleyball, basketball, and softball and was the captain of all 3 teams one year. I was in the orchestra and did a short stint on the drama team (mostly for the yearbook picture opp), but that other than that, I just hung out with friends and went to school. This answer seemed to please her and she was somewhat impressed, especially with the fact that I used to set on the volleyball team. It was cute.
But the part that I loved was how proud Koa seemed to be of me upon the approval of his friend. Silly huh...but come on, I love that boy and if anyone is going to be proud of me, I want it to be my sons. Kekoa then turned to the girl and said, "Yeah...my Mom...she can sing too, really good at singing too." How sweet to hear that boy brag on me for a minute...last week he was playing his ukulele and I was singing with him at my office while I worked. Koa's amazing that's all there is to say.
I turned back around and stood by Ikaika, who kept telling me, "No Mom, don't kiss me, no Mom, stop holding my hand..." I know it's wicked, but I was teasing him and kissing him on the cheek because he was trying so hard to look cool. Sigh...my little bunner. I was remarking about how small one of the band kids looked (seriously there is no way that kid is much bigger than the boys were when they were in 4th grade) and then of course, there is the other extreme with a boy that was I swear like 6' 2" and 250 pounds...crazy. But of the little guy, Ikaika said, "Mom, that is my friend so and so, he doesn't have a lot of friends so I say hi to him whenever I see him...etc..." Hmm, another proud moment, I see that the child has grown up with a sense of responsibility and kindness for others infused into him so much that I do not need to be there to instruct him any longer on the "how to play nice with others" issue.
After a while, Koa took his place on my left and Kaika on my right, and I stood there with my arms wound through their arms and we looked out over the field together. I looked around and wondered if there was a way to stop time, to stay there in that moment a little longer. Of course the pulchritudinous moment was altered by the arrival of Kekoa's love interest...hmph, I did fume a bit as he left my side and went to her. But if he knew that the reason I tease him so insistently about girls is that I wonder if she knows how dear he is, how lucky she is to have him, and of course, I just hate to lose my boy, my baby Koko. The girl is pretty enough, apparently she is dedicated to her schoolwork, and she is involved in sports, aside from that, she has lived abroad and is not a dumb head because well...she is smart enough to pick my son :)
But the part that I loved was how proud Koa seemed to be of me upon the approval of his friend. Silly huh...but come on, I love that boy and if anyone is going to be proud of me, I want it to be my sons. Kekoa then turned to the girl and said, "Yeah...my Mom...she can sing too, really good at singing too." How sweet to hear that boy brag on me for a minute...last week he was playing his ukulele and I was singing with him at my office while I worked. Koa's amazing that's all there is to say.
I turned back around and stood by Ikaika, who kept telling me, "No Mom, don't kiss me, no Mom, stop holding my hand..." I know it's wicked, but I was teasing him and kissing him on the cheek because he was trying so hard to look cool. Sigh...my little bunner. I was remarking about how small one of the band kids looked (seriously there is no way that kid is much bigger than the boys were when they were in 4th grade) and then of course, there is the other extreme with a boy that was I swear like 6' 2" and 250 pounds...crazy. But of the little guy, Ikaika said, "Mom, that is my friend so and so, he doesn't have a lot of friends so I say hi to him whenever I see him...etc..." Hmm, another proud moment, I see that the child has grown up with a sense of responsibility and kindness for others infused into him so much that I do not need to be there to instruct him any longer on the "how to play nice with others" issue.
After a while, Koa took his place on my left and Kaika on my right, and I stood there with my arms wound through their arms and we looked out over the field together. I looked around and wondered if there was a way to stop time, to stay there in that moment a little longer. Of course the pulchritudinous moment was altered by the arrival of Kekoa's love interest...hmph, I did fume a bit as he left my side and went to her. But if he knew that the reason I tease him so insistently about girls is that I wonder if she knows how dear he is, how lucky she is to have him, and of course, I just hate to lose my boy, my baby Koko. The girl is pretty enough, apparently she is dedicated to her schoolwork, and she is involved in sports, aside from that, she has lived abroad and is not a dumb head because well...she is smart enough to pick my son :)
I didn't stay for the end of the football game. I left with about 5 minutes to go in the last quarter. I did kiss the boys goodbye...it is always funny because in public, Koa is so happy to hug and kiss me and Ikaika acts as if it is insufferable, whereas when we are at home, I have a little bunny curled up next to me most of the time, and Koa can't be bothered to kiss me LOL...the boys....sheesh. I left them amidst the sea of silly kids, feeling quite content for the moment with the time I'd had with them that night.
Fast forward back to this morning: This morning when I was driving Kaika to school, I was telling him that he's always going to be my baby, no matter what. He likes to argue against me, while holding my pinky in his pinky of course ;) "Nope, I'm not your baby." Then I pinch his cheek and say, "Oh yes you are, I made you." And Kaika answers back, "You didn't make me..." his way of pressing me to keep playing the "yes...no...yes...no..." game. So I said, "Oh yes I did, you were a little parasite that sucked some of the best stuff out of my cells for 9 months and almost 2 weeks, so yes, I did make you." To which he answers in a coy fashion, "No Mommer, I was not a parasite, it was a case of mutualism...I took your best and you got a baby." Little stinker. But I did laugh..."mutualism"...so we're just gonna make up words now bun? Haha, it's clever enough and therefore does delight me.
I was telling Kaika how handsome he and Koa are as we drove. That mildly arrogant little bugger just said, "Duh Mom...duh." LOL. So we drive on, and get behind the dreaded bus. Blast, every bloody morning at 7:16 a.m. there is this bus that pulls out in front of us on Canyon Road. We try to beat the bus, but somehow, always manage to get behind it. Ikaika and I shake our fists in the air as we curse the bus for going so slow, then we laugh because it's just another game we play...I'm glad for these times because I know that one day, Ikaika will get stuck behind a school bus and think, "'Dang you bus..." and laugh to himself because it will remind him of how we once were when he was young.
And then, before I drop Kaikers off at school, I tell him that one day I will spoil his baby cupe-cakes the way I spoiled and loved him when he grew up. But Kaika will not have it, he says, "No, you have to be the mean, old grandma, no spoiling, nope." Haha, truth is this: No, you're my Mommer and no one else gets to be spoiled by you except me. And then we stop the car, he hops out, I smack the side of his leg and tell him to have a good day, and he nonchalantly looks back at me and shakes his head. No kiss goodbye, just a brief and unnoticeable nod of the head, and my son is gone to school.
So I'm home, thinking of the boys some more. I'm proud of them. I love them. I think of my life and you know the thought of having more children, another family, it all seems nice, but I long for more time with my babies, a golden time that seems impossible to improve upon. I can't imagine a baby now or a new family that does not start and end with the boys.
I miss their frosting covered hands, their demands for "Nonalds" or "Beatdonalds" and the play land. I miss the little pants and sweatshirts, bought one size too big so that they looked comfortable and stylish. I miss the raspy voices and high pitched laughter. I miss being able to carry them both in my arms at the same time while they sleep. I miss the school programs and the primary programs where they stand in the front row waving to me with clear smiles and freshly pressed shirts. I miss my babies and wonder if life will ever be better than it has been with them, not to doubt or take value away from any potential children I may yet have, but it's just difficult to think that there will ever be another child as dear to me as the boys are :)
Advice from all of this: enjoy your children, love them, play with them, teach them, remember with them and write about it often :) It all goes by so fast.
I was telling Kaika how handsome he and Koa are as we drove. That mildly arrogant little bugger just said, "Duh Mom...duh." LOL. So we drive on, and get behind the dreaded bus. Blast, every bloody morning at 7:16 a.m. there is this bus that pulls out in front of us on Canyon Road. We try to beat the bus, but somehow, always manage to get behind it. Ikaika and I shake our fists in the air as we curse the bus for going so slow, then we laugh because it's just another game we play...I'm glad for these times because I know that one day, Ikaika will get stuck behind a school bus and think, "'Dang you bus..." and laugh to himself because it will remind him of how we once were when he was young.
And then, before I drop Kaikers off at school, I tell him that one day I will spoil his baby cupe-cakes the way I spoiled and loved him when he grew up. But Kaika will not have it, he says, "No, you have to be the mean, old grandma, no spoiling, nope." Haha, truth is this: No, you're my Mommer and no one else gets to be spoiled by you except me. And then we stop the car, he hops out, I smack the side of his leg and tell him to have a good day, and he nonchalantly looks back at me and shakes his head. No kiss goodbye, just a brief and unnoticeable nod of the head, and my son is gone to school.
So I'm home, thinking of the boys some more. I'm proud of them. I love them. I think of my life and you know the thought of having more children, another family, it all seems nice, but I long for more time with my babies, a golden time that seems impossible to improve upon. I can't imagine a baby now or a new family that does not start and end with the boys.
I miss their frosting covered hands, their demands for "Nonalds" or "Beatdonalds" and the play land. I miss the little pants and sweatshirts, bought one size too big so that they looked comfortable and stylish. I miss the raspy voices and high pitched laughter. I miss being able to carry them both in my arms at the same time while they sleep. I miss the school programs and the primary programs where they stand in the front row waving to me with clear smiles and freshly pressed shirts. I miss my babies and wonder if life will ever be better than it has been with them, not to doubt or take value away from any potential children I may yet have, but it's just difficult to think that there will ever be another child as dear to me as the boys are :)
Advice from all of this: enjoy your children, love them, play with them, teach them, remember with them and write about it often :) It all goes by so fast.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Most Recent Swerve in the Road
It's Saturday morning, I'm laying here, not watching the screen while I type, listening to my relax time music, remembering...The past couple of weeks have brought a new energy into my life. I found an old flame and have been talking with him alot. I feel drawn out and uncertain about everything with him. However the excitement of this thing we've had, the way his voice sounds when he's passionately explaining himself to me or the look of his soft brown eyes when he's watching me intently has turned my world upside down...I love how that feels.
I love to look back at him when he's not sure what I'm going to say next and then wink at him...it catches him off guard just a bit and his reaction every time is a little delighted smile back. It's been very good to have a target for my romantic notions lately.
How do these things work with men and women? How long do we talk and form every word, breath, and bit of subject matter to work together in a semi veiled double entendre, as if we are doing a careful dance that might be fatal at any moment?
There is such intensity in the beginning of something new; I revel in feelings of being pursued, admired, sized up against an unknown list of "requirements", and at times feeling so hunted by his want that I can almost hardly breathe. I am fascinated by the way he thinks and what he wants. I am fascinated with him period.
His vocabulary is something I love almost as much as I love his face, and I value the ebb and flow of his indecision about what to do next with his life. Most of all, I could watch him lay back and sleep all night long...he's beautiful.
Anyways, it's been good to talk with him. I don't know what will happen or what can happen. I call him the most recent swerve in the road because he and this was unexpected. It's kind of fun and terrifying all at once...I just wanted to talk about it a little, but I'm done now.
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