Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tonight I am grandiloquent at best

It's late, I'm bugged and since I don't have anyone to listen to my latest rant of the day, I chose to write. I don't know what it is today, but I've had a day that has just racked my brain. But that is not what is on my mind right now. Right now, all I can think about is Koa.

Tonight I got super irritated, especially as my dear son found it necessary to continue to push the "I'm right, you're wrong" buttons, which only bothered me more because he had no idea what he was talking about and thought he knew everything. Oh he just didn't know how that type of behavior sharpens my tongue and unleashes a low grade wrath that makes itself known. Sadly, he knows now.

I don't know how to preface this so that I won't sound like a total snot, so why waste an explanation, I'll just say it: My son was not meant to be so willingly unthinking - he was not raised that way, he was not encouraged to be that way, and yet, here is this boy who is almost unrecognizable to me in his demeanor and manner of speech at times. I detest deliberate stupidity, I find it even more insulting when it comes from my offspring.

I was told twice tonight by both Kaleo and Kiko that he is just a teenager, but that is hardly an excuse for the behavior he is putting forth. It's as if I have worked hard to mold him and offer him better example and environment than what I feel I had growing up, but still, he feels after what I find idiotic; he chooses low quality activities, methods of expression, and a naively, easily swayed general frame of mind. How did this happen?!?

I don't like being angry or disappointed as this is not the type of person I want to be, but gosh, I just feel like crap right now. This just doesn't seem right - I just can't understand how this son of mine has found a way to completely sidestep all that he's been raised to see and know as valuable - he reminds me of his Dad so much at that age, this is probably what is really digging into the heart of my concern and frustration right now. I just don't want my Koa to have to learn the hard way in the same ways his parents did.

So I feel like the worst parent on earth right now - I feel like I am totally out of touch with who my son is and even worse than that, I feel kind of like I don't know what to do next. Can I just say this is the part that really stinks about doing this Mom/Dad job alone - I have to turn to a blog to rid myself of the thoughts I have so I can organize my thoughts and hopefully find some solution so I can sleep without despair rotting my dreams.

The consistency and commitment it takes to raise good children is a staggering responsibility. This is one of the first times I have felt it dizzying me and causing me such introspective pain. I know things could be worse. I do not know how parents of "bad" kids live through that. I said to Kekoa that he has to know that I have had to live through the effects of stupid people all of my life and that was something that for the most part, I could not change, but that I would not stand by and watch either of my children grow up acting stupidly and let that behavior go unchecked.

I just want order to return. I want a nice life where it doesn't seem like if you make one wrong move, the game is over and you lose. I know it is so dumb to even write this, but I want this disorder and mess to stop. So I guess the answer is to go back to basic principles and try again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do but rededicate myself to doing the best I can and learn from today. Oh why can't I just be perfect at this parenting thing yet! Oh well...at least I am laughing at my unrealistic expectations now, so that must mean I can stop typing and go to bed now.

Warning: comment on this blog at your own risk. Just rest assured that one day you'll know what this mess is like with your own children. Enjoy the simplicity of childhood with your children while you can - mine grew up too fast for me and my head is still spinning at the thought of how soon they'll be leaving me. I just didn't think these days would come so soon. Okay, I'm done now.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sunday the 11th

It was a pretty good day. I have to admit that it did have one low point, but it was just a moment and things turned right back around. I laid in bed with an eye mask on for most of the afternoon while Ikaika and I read my email, read the blogs of some of my friends, and checked my MySpace page for notes from Kiko. And then he fell asleep next to me while I read some more. Kekoa was upstairs with Kaleo and Lori watched Survivor Man or something like that.

Today I really cooked again for the first time in a long time. I remember when I used to cook all of the time, but my life changed and I stopped. I thought about that today as I made a cake and some lunch for the boys.

What the heck happened to my cozy home habits?

It made me think of Waldo's post about how he was "pathetic" when Jen was gone. Not because he doesn't know how to take care of himself without his awesome wife around, but that he missed the things that she naturally did to care for him and their home.

I realized that I am the other half of Waldo's "pathetic" coin: I without a husband to dote on and care for have become kind of disconnected from the wife stuff. It's kind of shocking to come to that realization. I never realized that having that constant focus or reason for wanting to do all of that good wifey stuff was so important to me.

I took an inventory of what I used to do and compared it with I do now. Very different indeed! I used to get treats, I couldn't wait to get home to cook and make my house all nice and warm feeling, and everything was focused on our family: possible vacations, dinners, birthday parties, holidays, even everyday purchases all had to do with being part of a family. Yes I still had friends and went and did tons of stuff otherwise, but really everything was about my home and at the time, the man I wanted to make happy more than anything else in the world.

I need to reinstitute those sweet wifey things back into my life. It's not that I am neglecting my home, but I take no real joy in it. That is a small tragedy and I mean to fix it starting now.

I think that I am just becoming aware of how I have retreated under the weight of my dual role as mother and father. But the truth is, that I can't let that responsibility take away from my divine role as mother and nurturer. That is my strength and what has helped make my boys into the young men they are now.

This was my big idea for the day. I think this awakening started a few weeks ago, but I am only now coming to see it clearly.

One of my guy friends texted me a couple of weeks ago to ask me about coming up with a business plan. He knows I can do it, heck that was what consumed most of my Spring and my sanity for the first half of this year. But honestly, when I looked at what he had to offer, it was very unappealing. I texted back to him: what if I don't have it in me anymore to do this business stuff? And of course in totally predictable style, he basically told me to get serious. My reply to him was something like this: thank you for the offer, but this is not my life anymore. and that my new plan was to marry and love and support my husband in whatever he does as that was always my destiny. Of course that just made him irritated with me, and at the time I thought I was joking with him, however I'm seeing that maybe that really is all I want.

Yes, I can do all the executive presentations in the world, but what really makes me happy is hiding a snack with a note in my darling's lunch everyday or just being there when he comes home. I'm revealing the simple side of me, but oh well, you'll all have to love me even if I never win the Nobel Peace Prize or go to law school :) And I'm pretty sure you will.

I do love to love people and thank the good Lord for giving me many opportunities to serve and love my friends and family. But I think that it would be nice to have that thing that Waldo and Jen have , you know, each other and a family. To all of those who thought I was fine on my own, thanks for the confidence, but come on, you always knew better ;) I was apparently believing my own story about being "just fine" as well LOL

So why not wish for it? It's 11:11 p.m. on 11/11/07 - there has to be something lucky about that huh :) Honestly, I figure that if I am so "pathetic" without him (whoever "he" may be) then maybe somewhere he is "pathetic" without me. Maybe we could all pray that he figures it out and is lead to find me and that I'll have the eyes and heart to recognize him and not run - haha. And while we're on the subject, can we also wish that he is the kind of man who enjoys warm affection? It may sound silly, but oh, it's not! I don't need to have another roommate or penpal :)

And let's say that love is not in the near future cards, how about just a ridiculous amount of money? LOL

Those are my deep thoughts for the night. Usually I wax philosophical, but it's not like that won't come up again at some point. This is just the normal me, without super powers, just a girl if you will. Anyways, get on the band wagon and start your wishing - haha! Good night.