Friday, May 25, 2007

Wasting time...

It is late and I can't sleep...again. Have you ever been so tired that you want to sleep, but your mind turns over and over? I have a lot on my mind, but that isn't anything new. So here I sit writing out things that I kind of hope never get read. I think I just need to get this out of my head. I need to buy a new journal - LOL. Its a beautiful night, my sons are asleep, I am listening to Ray Lamontange sing about holding on forever...

Today I spent time remembering many things and a few people too. I think about where I was a year ago, two years ago, and three years ago - its amazing how different my life has been year to year. I like to think about the people who were in my life at those times. I am glad to have had such good and loving friends.

Of course mixed in with the thanks I have, there are feelings of regret for roads not traveled. Sometimes I wonder why I chose to do what I chose - why on earth would anyone choose such a difficult path that eventually ended anyway? The answer that all of my closest friends know is that I did what I felt was right. I could not turn from what I knew to be true in my heart. There was a great deal of sacrifice that was required - but I am who and how I am now because of that challenge. I see with eyes that were once closed - yes, this sleeper was wakened.

But even with the most optimism I can muster, the desire I have to see what is good, the gratitude I feel for experience gained, my heart mourns every now and then for what I feel I lost. I think that everyone goes through this at some point. For me, I wish there was a way to have that choice again, but it has passed and now the best I can do is to make good choices from here on out. I guess that is all anyone can do.

Well now I am tired. This blog did the trick. Its 1 a.m. time to sleep.