Tuesday, January 10, 2012

What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You

Reading through old journals and life journey entries, I came across a lot of concerns and introspective situations in my life.  In 2010, a dear friend of mine reached out with questions about belief. I had to think a lot about what I felt and it was a good exercise in remembering why the fires of my soul burn so brightly J

2012: the year of “I’m all grown up”
So, in light of my birthday tomorrow, I would like to share what I wrote to her; it’s a list of some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.  

These are the types of things that I hope my children will remember about me, what my family will see and know me as, and that my friends, acquaintances and others will feel when they interact with me. 

What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You:

I am a huge fan of lifelong learning. You will find principles of success and happiness in leadership books and often in religious texts. 

As you expand your mind and your understanding, you begin to lift away from the mundane and "what has always been" - as you read and learn, you ignite your mind and you access your power of choice as a human being - you will find yourself as you read and feel good about the fact that you control what goes into your mind, for better or for worse.

Write down what you feel, write down what you struggle with or love. Write down what you do and the rewards or consequences that come to you as a result of your choices. Writing clears my heart and mind when I'm confused, so I write every day. I find that clearing myself of those concerns or putting those feelings on paper (or in my enormous online journal haha) that I can dissect what I'm thinking or feeling and come up with a plan. 

I also love to look back on my life in my writings and see how far I've come as a developing person. I cultivate insight, gratitude and learning in my writings and I learn who I am by the words that I save over time.

Live your life - if you have dreams, nurture them, hold them close to your heart, breath in the energy of the hope they give you. Embrace the joy and excitement that resides in knowing that good things are always coming to you because you believe in yourself and your dreams. 

Know that things won't always turn out exactly the way you expect or may want, but glean from those experiences what you can for your own good. If you want to learn something, go do it! 

Don't let other people's cynicism or lack ever tear you down to the point that they or their opinions rob you of your life. In the end, your life is your own.

Live it in such a way that when you look back, you will have lived it the way you wanted, in a way that you can be proud of, for you, for your sons, and for all of the people who love you.

There is nothing in the world like love to me. I have kept this heart of mine open, true, loyal, giving, grateful and loving all of my life. It has brought me many special friendships and people who I've shared wonderful times with. Dare to love...it's not something many will do, it's so much easier to hate or to shut down the love of one's heart. 

The love you feel elevates and enriches every cell of your body; it elevates all of humanity and those who come in contact with you. It is something that you leave with others long after your association with them ends. It is the gift of who you are and that is in and of itself is priceless.

My whole point is to find your way, what you want to be about, and then live it. Successful happy people do not lives indulgent lives or become admired or joyful due to destructive thoughts, habits or choices. Successful happy people make mistakes, but they learn from them and forgive themselves and do not let others destroy the sacred nature of who it is that they see themselves as.

I believe that I have a purpose everyday that is in line with reducing suffering, bringing more joy and being love to all those that are around me. I want to do good and to have good things, so I attract those types of things and miracles seem to present themselves, but I am always watching, with the intent of seeing that life is beautiful and that I am a good person.

I wish for your happiness. I hope you will see all the wonderful things that you are and that you will have your dreams my Love.”

Happy birthday to me tomorrow. If you remember me on my birthday, thank you.  It means so much to me that I have a place in your memory and in your friendship and love. 2012: the year of “I’m all grown up” haha I’ve got nothing but love and gratitude, today and every day of my life, that will be the fire that burns in the hearth of my soul. 

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

"In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end"

"In order for there to be a new beginning,
there has to be an end."

“The hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.” It was a moment of unavoidable truth for me. It was a truth that I wanted to share, so I did.  But without context, that post did not communicate all that I felt or realized in the moment. So, here begins the unraveling. 

I did not make time to consider what New Year’s resolutions or dreams or wishes I’d make for 2012.  I did not begin to think about it until the drive to work on Tuesday morning.  I dreamed and let myself want my dreams.  

I thought of the gym of course. I thought of that wicked adorable bathing suit I bought last year, just in case I made it to Hawaii or California AND made good on my gym schedule promises. 

I thought of taking up Kung Fu for the sake of building up a foundation of confidence in my ability to protect myself if I ever needed to do so - that's just something I feel is lacking in my skill set.  I thought of the dance classes, the orchestra possibilities and the singing opportunities as well.  I laughed to and at myself...the things I think up.

I thought about finishing the books I've mostly written. I still believe in the idea of if one million people bought my book for a dollar that I'd be a millionaire haha I decided my life is missing meditation too and tried to remember the teachings I've studied about aligning my energy and being right inside :) I let my thoughts float up and connect to my joy.

My "resolutions", dreams and wishes turned to my dearly held want for family, for togetherness.  My thoughts turned to marriage and having babies and buying my first home where my dreams of love and happiness would live and thrive.  It was like someone unearthed my heart and let it breathe.  I felt alive and incredibly happy.  I felt excited and unconquerable.  I felt gratitude and anticipation.  I lived. 

And then, there was an invisible choking that took hold of my thoughts.  It was an inner restriction, a pain that came up and fenced off those dreams, with a disdainful reproach that those things are not for me.  It was a sad and terrible change.  I was suddenly alone and disconnected from all that had bloomed in my heart.  I felt the utter despair of “no” and stuck.

Where does this life sucking mechanism come from? Well, I’d have to attribute it to my history of prolonging terminal relationships for the sake of not yielding and accepting its death or knowing people for who they chose to be and not what I hope we can be. The "STOP" came from learning by example that "we" give, "we" take last, "we" work hardest, "we" do the most and "we" make the world beautiful, even if that means "we" don't ever go after what "we" want.     

Now it’s not a bad thing to be someone who will compromise or to be someone who seeks the happiness of the ones you love and care about.  However, after years and years of that behavior, there are times when like good old George Bailey, you feel like you’re standing on a bridge on Christmas Eve, ready to jump because in that despairing moment, all you feel your life is worth is the life insurance money. 

Like good old George Bailey, I felt like I was standing on the edge, ready to give up because I can’t imagine how so many years of my life have gone by, in good service, but to the waste of my own dreams because of the choices I made: to stay behind and to try again when there was no reason to try.

I see the results of the good choices I’ve made.  I see how they’ve made a difference in the lives of others.  I see how my support has helped someone else’s dreams happen in certain circumstances.  I see how the lives of those I’ve loved and love, are moving on and away from me because I am not part of their future plans.  It’s hard and it’s sad and that is when I thought, the hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.

Relationships can and do end without either party ever voicing that they know it’s over.  People can stay  in stagnant, habitual, "comfortable" relationships, friendships, jobs and lives for years.  But if they had the insight or the courage to take true inventory of the situation, they’d know something was not right because these lifeless "relationships" drive people away from their own dreams and passions. It is a form of death. 

Where does that leave me? I don’t know or perhaps I don’t want to look.  Something’s got to change or nothing will change.  I will not look down another birthday on the edge of “if only”.  If the dreams or the desires of the ones I love take them off onto a different life horizon, I will accept it and keep moving in the direction of my own dreams.

Someone once told me, "In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end." Be it an end of denial, an end of lies, an end of the unspoken, an end to waste, an end to uncertainty, an end of control, an end of waiting or an end to fear of the unknown, regardless of what I choose to end, there must be a new beginning.