Happy Birthday My Love

I have so much to say to you, but for now, I felt to listen to this song as it is one that my Dad sang, and mostly wept through, at Keaka's farewell. 

I send the words to you now, and a picture of you and Grandpa, so that you know all that we wish for you today and everyday. 

(I'm not sure if you can see the picture, but I will be printing off a few and laminating them so you can keep them in your scriptures as you travel).

I will write again later, but this could not wait.  All of this song makes me cry as it was so tender when my Dad sang it.

I understand better today the way my own father's heart was expanding and breaking all at once now that I am the one who has sent my son on a mission.  Still learning...always will be. 

I love you my son. Thank you for breaking this heart of mine so I could find ways to strive to be a better person. 

Love you so much,
Mommer

In the Hollow of Thy Hand

Dear Lord who blesses us with love
Please send this day thy spirit from above
As this thy son, accepts a call from thee
Help him we pray to learn humility

Direct his footsteps everyday
And keep him ever walking in thy ways
Inspire him as he spreads the gospel plan
Lord, hold him in the hollow of thy hand

Chorus:
In the hollow of thy hand as he grows from boy to man
Help his understanding deepen and increase
In the hollow of thy hand as he grows from boy to man
Let him know the special blessing of thy peace

Dear Lord, who hears and answers prayers
Please keep thy servant always in thy care
As he prepares to teach his fellow men
Oh keep him safe and bring him home again

Protect him from all worldly ways
And always send thy spirit when he prays
Give him the courage of a righteous man
Just hold him in the hollow of thy hand

Chorus:
In the hollow of thy hand as he grows from boy to man
Help his understanding deepen and increase
In the hollow of thy hand as he grows from boy to man
Let him know the special blessing of thy peace

As he faces life's demands
May he take a valiant stand
Give him shelter in the hollow of thy hand

Ikaika's Two Latest Correspondences

Happy Ikaika's 20th birthday everyone!  We received a letter from Ikaika on Saturday, but didn't get to read it until Sunday. It was an unexpected surprise to receive a second item yesterday in the mail.  We wanted to wait until everyone was together, but opened it this morning as we were anxious to hear from Ikaika. 

His letters have been transcribed and sent on to family and friends, but I wanted to share some of his words here as well.  He's just so sweet and still so much his very precise self :)  We love him so much! 

Remember if you want to email Ikaika, his email address is:ikaikaolahui.danner@myldsmail.net. 
He will be in the MTC through May 13, 2013 - flying out to Philadelphia on May 14, 2013.

Members of the family and a few friends have taken advantage of the same day delivery to the MTC service by the Post Mart in Provo :)  I'm looking forward to Ikaika getting his birthday bag today! 

Without further adieu, here are his letters then mine :)

************************************************************

May 1, 2013 Letter

Dear Family/Everyone,

Today was a great day.  I have felt The Spirit so much more so than I have ever felt in my life at any point. 

Like we thought Mom, my companion is Elder Health J. Madsen.  We only have two room-elders, Elder Cavanah and Elder Gosper.  They are going to Tucson, Arizona just like the rest of my district. 

We had the opportunity to almost sit in on group teachings with big groups (almost 90 of us) where we just had the opportunity to feel the Spirit and write down impressions we had as well as talk to the investigators.

The last rotation of that, Elder Madsen and I had the opportunity to just "knock" on the door to enter the investigator setting.  We ended up speaking to him after and were almost late to our next meeting.  I had to talk to him before I left and I am glad that I followed my feelings to do that.  I can't wait to keep learning here and feeling the Spirit of the Lord.

I'm supposed to sleep now so in closing  I love you guys.  I know that I am where I am supposed to be.  You will be blessed as I am here.  God loves you all so much.  Please try to see that as best as you can, and it you can't, you are not looking hard enough. 

I know the church is true.  I know that God lives.  I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God.  Read it for guidance and I know it will help you.  Once again, I love you all and thank you for getting me here.

Love,
E. I. Danner - Elder Danner
Be Strong like I Know You are

************************************************************

May 3, 2013 Card 
(The outside of the card says: My Whole Heart Jumps for Joy...All Because of You!)

Dear Family,

Today is P-Day already.  I was assigned as the DL (District Leader) last night.  I know it is so I can help and learn to help others.  It is a serving opportunity and I hope I will do a good job. 

This is a cheesy card so don't look into the silly picture too much.  You do make me happy and I am grateful for your love and support. 

We all go through hard things, but your attitude will determine how you get through it.  A bitter heart is poisonous to the mind and soul. 

We all have room for improvement so don't forget to look for ways to be better.

After I was assigned as the DL, I wanted us to meet really quick so we went to the classroom to get our stuff.  I had a quick thought as well as said a prayer. 

As we gathered our things, the sisters asked for blessings.  We will be doing that today after the temple.  We are fasting to prepare and we are hoping to have guidance as we do this for them.  It is so important that we do.

You can share these "family letters" with anyone as well.  I love you all and I know the Lord is blessing you.

Love,
E. I. Danner - Elder Danner

My District:
Elder Danner        
Elder Madsen   
Elder Cavanah   
Elder Gosper   
Sister Barnes   
Sister Hendricks   
Sister Black      
Sister Clark        
Sister Craig     
Sister Allred

************************************************************

Email Sent on May 6, 2013: Happy Last Day of Being a Teenager!

Good Morning Elder Danner!

I couldn't help but jest at this being your last day as a teenager...life goes by quick, we've got to enjoy even the silliest of things like your last day of 19 years old :P

How are things going?  We received your letter of May 1, 2013 in the mail on Saturday.  It was good to see your hand writing and to hear your testimony. 

I love that the work is making sense to you and that you are sensitive to the spirit that you are immersed in.  How wonderful :)

Oh yeah, and I was totally tickled to hear that Elder Madsen, who's name we save at Missionary Mall, is your companion haha That is so awesome!

Things around here are the same, except that everyone in the family keeps talking about how much they miss you :) 

It has been really amazing to me, to get texts or posts from our family members saying that they are crying and so filled with love.  Even the hardest hearts are softened. 

Maybe I'm looking too hard, but it seems so obvious to me that our family is being blessed with a tenderness that it may have been missing, because you are out there serving.  I like to think this is a good wake up and remember call for all of us, to know and be grateful for what matters most.

Here are some of my favorites from the family thus far:

Texts with Haruko:
H: How do I email he who shall not be named?
Me: Haha I just fwded you his address :)
H: Crying like a baby. I miss that kid.
Me: Awwww :( I did that earlier :(
H: I'm so happy for him
Me: Yeah he sounds like he is doing well.  That is such a huge relief
H: Today I drove past the mtc on my way to work and was fingers crossed hoping I might see his face. Nope. Probably best.  I might have slammed on my breaks, choloroformed him, and thrown him in my trunk.

Facebook Posts from Kamalani and Yukiko and Haruko and Kekoa:
Khom Jhana: Just wrote Kaika...yeah, I cried.

Yukiko Hanamaikai: He's so great. You can't help but be proud of him.

Yukiko Hanamaikai: And my first email is sent. Khom aka Kam...I cried too.

Haruko Hanamaikai Boren: I miss that kid so much.  Its hard walking past his room and seeing it empty of all of the crap his little hoarder self possessed.  Two years. I loves that Mr. Elder.

Kekoa Danner Status: Emailin the lil bro! Love doing that ISH!!! Makes my heart warm and fuzzy lol #fuzzywuzzies #femaleemotiins #elderdanner #PennsylvaniaPhiladelphiaMission #longest2yearsofmyvida

Other friends have posted nice things as well:
Cyndi Jordan Good job letting him go, Mama! He'll be a great missionary!!

Barb Mahleres LOVE This!!!! (It was the picture of you me and Koa dropping you off)

Tara Pualilia Hernandez: Safe travels Ikaikaolahui Danner! Many blessings - you will be amazing!

Dee Nelson: ELDER DANNER, GRANDMA DYNAH LOVES U!

Mrs. Abbott asked for your mailbox number, so I gave that to her.  She is such a neat lady :)

I hope these messages will warm your heart and help you to know that you are so loved :) 

Yesterday at church, Madisen and I were looking in to see where everyone was sitting, and she pointed to someone who had dark hair in the back...I realized she had been looking for you.  I got a bit "mommer weepy" for a moment, but it made me happy that she associates church with you.

I think the First Counselor in the ward, he was at your setting apart, came up to me and asked about how you were doing.  I told him that were doing so well, that you had gotten right to work and that they had made you a DL. 

He just beamed and said that it didn't surprise him, that you are a leader and how great it was to hear that you are doing well.  I appreciate their care and concern for you.  Thank you for writing me briefly so I could update them.  I am glad to have things to say and report back to those who are behind you :)

Kekoa brought Melissa and Kiana over on Saturday.  Kekoa also pulled out his phone and showed me his long email from you hahaha He was so proud of it, you know Kekoa, "What, you didn't get a letter this long? Yep..." haha

I honestly am not concerned about how long or short your letters may be, you know that I know you love me, so its just good to hear that you are well.  But it sure made a difference to Kekoa haha.  Thank you for taking the time to be so communicative with him.  He loves you so much!

For now, you are in super learning mode, so the quick check in works for me :)   I do look forward to hearing of your experiences as you feel to share them and you have time.  I just want you to know that I am totally supportive of you having a great mission. 

You have a lot of light and love to share, but be sure not to run or write faster than you can walk :P  Be wise with your energies and take care of yourself so that you can be the most effective instrument of God that you can be okay my son :)

I'm going to send you a package tomorrow for your "first day of 20" birthday :)  I want to be super fun, but I am also aware that perhaps going too over the top may make other missionaries feel homesick, so I'll do my best to balance both loving you but being sensitive as well :) 

If there is anything you need or would like for your birthday, please feel free to let me know.  You know I'll get it for you haha :) 

I love you son :)

Mommer

For the Next Two Years...

I have decided to use this blog as the place where I will chronicle the next two years of my youngest son, Ikaika Danner, LDS mission. I may make a few minor edits, but overall, this is where I will be able to share what we talk about as he is away.

It is a great joy to me to be able to share my heart this way.  I hope that it will be an enjoyable, insightful and perhaps even fun read for whomever may happen upon this blog :)

So, here we go...

FIRST LETTER FROM ME

May 2, 2013

Hola Baber...I mean, Elder Danner :)

How are you doing? I hope you are well :)  I'm sure you are, but you know your Mommer, I hope it every other minute :) 

I found it relieving that yesterday when you opened the door that you had a friend there to receive you. I felt like that was a blessing.  Of all of the hosts we could've stopped by, there was someone who knew you.  I am grateful for every tiny, merciful, loving blessing, especially as it pertains to you.  I told Sheri, he went from the arms of his family into the hands of his friends.  Beautiful :) 

Anyways, I hope your first night was good.  Around 10:40 p.m. the Mommer cried cause she was thinking of you laying in bed, perhaps a little sad but trying not to be; the realization of the reality of your choice to go on a mission just may have been pretty real when you were going to sleep, and so I, like many mothers before me, wept a little as no mother wants their child to suffer, even one iota of sadness.  

I don't mean for that to be a sad message from home, just that I do think of you and I pray so much that you will feel every bit of comfort and confidence that you can, even in the sad times that may come up.

As you know, we appreciate the sweet because we have known the bitter...i.e. knowing sadness can really help us appreciate and seek joy, and be more patient and understanding of others who are in the middle of their sad times.  That is something that I've been grateful to have in my life.  I hope it is something that will help you as well.  

I went to set up your iPad yesterday, but I need a passcode.  I was still able to access the songs though.  I think some of the music must be Kekoa's, but there are definitely songs in there that are you to me.  What a dear you are :)  

I was glad to get that package to you yesterday.  I laughed at myself thinking that it had only been 3 hours and I had already sent you a care package haha What a delight it is to love you and get to dote on you this way.  It makes me so happy to be able to put my love for you to work :) 

Last night I went to Keoni's band concert.  Afterwards, Sheri, Heather, Haruko and I were going to go to dinner.  I texted Kekoa and he, Aubrey, Kaleo and Lori came and had dinner with us too.  It was very nice to be together, especially last night.  It makes me proud that we all have such fond and loving memories of you.  Do you know what a blessing you are and have been to this family?  It just brings happy tears to my eyes.  We've been so blessed to have you <3 div="" nbsp="">

I asked Aubrey to add me on FB so I could get her email address and include her in the list of people to whom I forward your progress.  She messaged me and said thank you for raising such an amazing person.  ...it makes me happy that there is someone who calls you "best friend" and cares for you so much.  

I sent her a link to my blog also, with a note that said, if you want to read a bit more about the boys, that she could check it out.  Some of my tenderest memories live in that blog.  I'm so glad that you read it a while ago.  

I read the post I wrote for your 18th birthday.  I'm still as smitten as I ever have been to be your Mom :)  I know you know I love you, but here is some niceness so you remember: 

"To my sons:  "Warrior King from Heaven" and "Prophet Who Rules with the Strength of Many Nations in his Blood". Once my babies, now young men still growing.  

Everyday, no matter where you are, I am aware of you and sending you all the love I have and hoping that you remember.  

I want you to remember what you've learned by being the sons you are.  I want you to live well and make the best choices you can for yourselves, for your families and if possible, to make this world a brighter, better place because you have been here.  

 ...I love you both.  Thank you for being my heart all of these years."

I hope you have a wonderful day and know that you have so many people who love and support you.  If you need anything from me, please let me know.  Otherwise, quick notes work too, as I know you are super busy!

All my best and love, 

Mommer

HIS RESPONSE: 

May 3, 2013 

Dear Mommer,

This has to be short because we spent our personal time giving blessings to the Sisters in our district. I love you mom. Share the letters that are coming your way. Thank you so much mom for being there for me. I love you and know that I care for you so much. ... I know I am where I am supposed to be. And FYI I am the DL(District Leader) I said that in the letters so look there for that. I did get the packages so thank you so much. I love you. Take care of your family.

Love,

Elder Danner

MY RESPONSE: 

HELLO!

Thank you for taking the time to write me.  You're so thoughtful!  This made me soo happy!  I am amidst planning your birthday package and this email popped up.  ...  I'm so proud that you would use your personal time to help others.  That really made me happy! 

Also that you know you are where you are supposed to be.  That just makes my heart smile...what a blessing it is to know that you are doing what you should be.  ...if/when things get tough, you will have that confirmation to lean on, to keep you strong and help you know that you are equal to all that...has and will be put before you.  

I am also very proud to hear that you are a DL!  You have been such a good example and have a talent for caring for others.  I hope that it will be a wonderful experience for you.  I hope that all of our love from home will buoy you up so that you can share the  fullness you have with others who need it.  We are all so very blessed...thank you for choosing to serve this mission.  

Thank you so much for loving me.  I missed you a lot today, but I know it is because we love each other...I'm so grateful for that.  Thank you for being such an inspiration to me and others around you.  

Stay strong Elder Danner!  Shine Bright! And love every minute of this time.  No one tells you that even the hard times of your life will someday be a fond memory :)  Crazy as it sounds, I'd give anything to have a baby Koa and a baby Kaika in diapers again, begging me for Nonalds/B'Donalds :* 

I look forward to many more years of good times together and even this short time that we'll be apart as I know we are all where we should be :) 

I love you son!

Love, 

Mommer 

Wrapping Up 2012

I'm comfortably nestled on the couch, listening to songs singing me back in time to things I do not want to fade as this year closes.  This year was the year of the water Dragon, the year of the last repetitive date until January 1, 2101, a year of transition and movement.  Whatever you believe about 2012, for me and my family it was the next step in our growing up. For us, it was the year of the letter M.

Moving
This year, Utah lost a great man: my Dad, James Hanamaikai.  After living in Utah since August 1981, Dad was offered a position in Arizona.  When I found out he was moving, I sat on the couch and cried.  Ian told me that it would be okay, but at the time it was hard to imagine how anything would ever be alright without Dad less than 3 miles away.

First Dad moved, then a couple of months later after as much of the family business and organization and etc... could be settled, Sheri moved down to Arizona as well.  I feel like our family appreciates each other more due to this change.

I'm grateful that after all of the years he spent watching out for us as adult children, that Dad finally got a chance to have a great change for him and his wife :)  I love that for the first time ever, those two will get to explore life as a couple, without all of us kids and grand kids and one great grant kid clambering through the place.  Now is their time :)

Last weekend, my Mom moved as well.  She and my Step Dad, Jeff, moved from the home they had lived in for more than eight years.  Although her move was approximately 2 miles from her last home, it was still difficult to imagine that she would not be at that place anymore.

In that home, Mom had held dinners and birthdays, had grown immense gardens, had fire pit family nights and had been a place where some of us kids would stay during our own life transitions.  That house was a blessing to our family.  I'm grateful that Jeff takes good care of Mom.  I'm grateful that they will have a spacious new home that over looks the valley.

Both moves are great for our parents.  It is as if the year ended, and an era ended.  The era of their lives and their dreams, their homes and own spaces are now in place.  Moving and moving on.  All of this is very good.

Motherhood
This year was the year of babies.  If babies are a sign of house hold good luck, we experienced a down pour!  Five to be exact, with one on the way.

In June, Kekoa and Melissa had Kiana Elizabeth Kuulei Danner, my little grand daughter.  (Insert laughter here haha) Ian's Dad and Step Mom had a beautiful baby girl in July, his Aunt Rani had terrific twins, his cousin Colin and wife Kearsten are expecting, hoping for a New Year's Day baby.  My step brother Daniel and wife Brooke had a sweet son too.  Babies everywhere!

When I hold Kiana, I remember Kekoa as a baby.  All of the tenderness of being his Mother is rekindled and I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for him.

When Kiana squeels and bounces/dances to crazy rap music, I'm reminded of a butter ballish Koa who used to hold himself up on the couch and bounce to the beat of his Father's music.

When Kiana smiles, I remember my boy when he was also toothless, wide eyed and the world was full of wonder.

When Kiana snuggles into me and falls asleep, I remember the reason why I loved being a Mom to Kekoa, to Ikaika and now to Madisen. I remember the thought I often had as I watched my babies sleep, here in my arms, you are safe, my Love...stay as long as you can.

These little ones have brought joy and love and life into our family this year.  I know it may be somewhat far fetched, but I look forward to them growing up and being best friends, bound together within our family who loves them all.

Madisen
After months and years of wanting to raise Madisen and have her in his home full time, Ian was given that responsibility in March. It was not under the best circumstances for the M, but we are grateful that she is with us now.

2012 meant no more anxiety about whether or not we'll be able to visit her, no more fear that when she goes home she'll be taken care of, no more tracking, reporting, writing letters, making phone calls, going to court, pleading with others to listen and help; no more waste & destruction.

The M is home now.  She lives in a pink palace of a room, crammed from floor to ceiling with toys.  She's a Mine Crafter, a Level Two pianist, an Aunt to Kiana, a niece to her baby Aunt M, a step sister to two older brothers she simply adores and best of all, she's safe.

Marriage
I met Ian through his best friend, Chris Perry, and his brother, Kolby, back in February 2009 when I started working at PMI.

We had a lengthy friendship that was tested by our choices, where we each were at that time in life, the possibility of other relationships and the general not knowing where we were going individually. But after weeks, months and years and life changing experiences together, I like to think we found our feet as "Ian and Kuulei", boyfriend and girlfriend, now husband and wife.

I wrote this to him about how I feel with him back in 2009.  It's still as true today as it was then: " In that moment, when you take me under your arm and have me close to you, I am not afraid. I can stand there and embrace you and let that feeling of "you're so wonderful" seep out and it's okay."

I read Ian our instant messaging conversations of days gone by. No one will ever get to read all of them, but here is an ironic one from Spring of 2009 about how we were skeptics on marriage:

Kuulei says:
lol
"If Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates and You Never Know What You're Going to Get, Then Marriage is Like Running the Gauntlet, You Never Know How You're Gonna Get Taken Out" - Kuulei Hanamaikai in FML (2009)
ian law says:
haha
"Marriage is a good way to not get laid."
-Ian Law in FMD (2009)

I love this man. He and I were an unseemly match at first, but now, we are fairly inseparable best friends, counter balances to each other and happy together...like Frog and Toad :)

All in all, these were the happenings of the 2012 year.  I am grateful to have been so blessed to be where I am today.  I look forward to all that 2013 will bring us.  Happy New Year to everyone :)

I'm Getting Married Today

It's early. I couldn't sleep much last night.  Thoughts of what needs to happen today and what has happened thus far crowded the stage all night long.  I woke up to my phone alarm, in the middle of a dream about a client meeting, then the silly app wouldn't close down so I had to take my phone battery out.  Sigh.

Deciding to get married, announcing the engagement, planning the wedding and executing it was not supposed to be so stressful! Okay...go ahead and insert laugh here.  Yesterday, I sat on the couch, a pile of conflict about work, still needing to go last minute shopping and other people's feelings...just generally miserable :/ 

Defeated is not a usual state of being for me, but yesterday, my positivity glass was 9/10's empty.  While I sat there on the verge of tears, Ian looked at me and said, "Be happy. You're getting married tomorrow." and he smiled at me.  Relief...

I cannot explain to you what its like to have someone in your life who says, "You come first. You are important. You matter. And now, I'm going to remind you."  He is so good to me, without the strings attached or guilt trips or immature "now you owe" me that has made me shrink from trusting most to anyone in life.  He just gives me a place to stand, and he stands with me.

Ian loves me...ME, a high strung workaholic stress ball who sometimes can't let go of trying to please everyone despite how awful it may make me feel.  He takes care of me by putting things in perspective for me when all I can see is the cage of unending "to do" on the list.  He puts me first and reminds me that is important.  He makes me laugh so I won't cry.  He is the strength that rushes in to support my weaknesses. And he lets me do the same for him and he appreciates it and says so.  He is my match.

For everyone who we didn't and couldn't invite due to the rush of this whole event and the guest limit, I'm sorry.  I am grateful to know that I have more friends and family who want to be with me on my wedding day than I could invite. I have been so well loved by many. Today I thank you for helping me get here.  Any love or support that you've been has helped shape me.  I send you thanks and love today and want you to remember: although you may not be at my wedding, you are certainly not forgotten. 

This morning, I am crying because I'm happy.  Yeah, I have 45 lemons & limes to slice, table covers to make sure arrive and 3 lovely red pimples in the shape of Orion's belt on my chin, but you know what else I have: someone who loves me like no one else ever has before. 


Its going to be a beautiful day. "And then we got married..." Let it begin.

What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You

Reading through old journals and life journey entries, I came across a lot of concerns and introspective situations in my life.  In 2010, a dear friend of mine reached out with questions about belief. I had to think a lot about what I felt and it was a good exercise in remembering why the fires of my soul burn so brightly J

2012: the year of “I’m all grown up”

So, in light of my birthday tomorrow, I would like to share what I wrote to her; it’s a list of some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.  

These are the types of things that I hope my children will remember about me, what my family will see and know me as, and that my friends, acquaintances and others will feel when they interact with me. 

“What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You:

READ

I am a huge fan of lifelong learning. You will find principles of success and happiness in leadership books and often in religious texts. 

As you expand your mind and your understanding, you begin to lift away from the mundane and "what has always been" - as you read and learn, you ignite your mind and you access your power of choice as a human being - you will find yourself as you read and feel good about the fact that you control what goes into your mind, for better or for worse.

WRITE

Write down what you feel, write down what you struggle with or love. Write down what you do and the rewards or consequences that come to you as a result of your choices. Writing clears my heart and mind when I'm confused, so I write every day. I find that clearing myself of those concerns or putting those feelings on paper (or in my enormous online journal haha) that I can dissect what I'm thinking or feeling and come up with a plan. 

I also love to look back on my life in my writings and see how far I've come as a developing person. I cultivate insight, gratitude and learning in my writings and I learn who I am by the words that I save over time.

LIVE

Live your life - if you have dreams, nurture them, hold them close to your heart, breath in the energy of the hope they give you. Embrace the joy and excitement that resides in knowing that good things are always coming to you because you believe in yourself and your dreams. 

Know that things won't always turn out exactly the way you expect or may want, but glean from those experiences what you can for your own good. If you want to learn something, go do it! 


Don't let other people's cynicism or lack ever tear you down to the point that they or their opinions rob you of your life. In the end, your life is your own.

Live it in such a way that when you look back, you will have lived it the way you wanted, in a way that you can be proud of, for you, for your sons, and for all of the people who love you.

LOVE

There is nothing in the world like love to me. I have kept this heart of mine open, true, loyal, giving, grateful and loving all of my life. It has brought me many special friendships and people who I've shared wonderful times with. Dare to love...it's not something many will do, it's so much easier to hate or to shut down the love of one's heart. 

The love you feel elevates and enriches every cell of your body; it elevates all of humanity and those who come in contact with you. It is something that you leave with others long after your association with them ends. It is the gift of who you are and that is in and of itself is priceless.

My whole point is to find your way, what you want to be about, and then live it. Successful happy people do not lives indulgent lives or become admired or joyful due to destructive thoughts, habits or choices. Successful happy people make mistakes, but they learn from them and forgive themselves and do not let others destroy the sacred nature of who it is that they see themselves as.

I believe that I have a purpose everyday that is in line with reducing suffering, bringing more joy and being love to all those that are around me. I want to do good and to have good things, so I attract those types of things and miracles seem to present themselves, but I am always watching, with the intent of seeing that life is beautiful and that I am a good person.

I wish for your happiness. I hope you will see all the wonderful things that you are and that you will have your dreams my Love.”

Happy birthday to me tomorrow. If you remember me on my birthday, thank you.  It means so much to me that I have a place in your memory and in your friendship and love. 2012: the year of “I’m all grown up” haha I’ve got nothing but love and gratitude, today and every day of my life, that will be the fire that burns in the hearth of my soul. 

"In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end"

"In order for there to be a new beginning,
there has to be an end."

“The hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.” It was a moment of unavoidable truth for me. It was a truth that I wanted to share, so I did.  But without context, that post did not communicate all that I felt or realized in the moment. So, here begins the unraveling. 

I did not make time to consider what New Year’s resolutions or dreams or wishes I’d make for 2012.  I did not begin to think about it until the drive to work on Tuesday morning.  I dreamed and let myself want my dreams.  

I thought of the gym of course. I thought of that wicked adorable bathing suit I bought last year, just in case I made it to Hawaii or California AND made good on my gym schedule promises. 

I thought of taking up Kung Fu for the sake of building up a foundation of confidence in my ability to protect myself if I ever needed to do so - that's just something I feel is lacking in my skill set.  I thought of the dance classes, the orchestra possibilities and the singing opportunities as well.  I laughed to and at myself...the things I think up.

I thought about finishing the books I've mostly written. I still believe in the idea of if one million people bought my book for a dollar that I'd be a millionaire haha I decided my life is missing meditation too and tried to remember the teachings I've studied about aligning my energy and being right inside :) I let my thoughts float up and connect to my joy.

My "resolutions", dreams and wishes turned to my dearly held want for family, for togetherness.  My thoughts turned to marriage and having babies and buying my first home where my dreams of love and happiness would live and thrive.  It was like someone unearthed my heart and let it breathe.  I felt alive and incredibly happy.  I felt excited and unconquerable.  I felt gratitude and anticipation.  I lived. 

And then, there was an invisible choking that took hold of my thoughts.  It was an inner restriction, a pain that came up and fenced off those dreams, with a disdainful reproach that those things are not for me.  It was a sad and terrible change.  I was suddenly alone and disconnected from all that had bloomed in my heart.  I felt the utter despair of “no” and stuck.

Where does this life sucking mechanism come from? Well, I’d have to attribute it to my history of prolonging terminal relationships for the sake of not yielding and accepting its death or knowing people for who they chose to be and not what I hope we can be. The "STOP" came from learning by example that "we" give, "we" take last, "we" work hardest, "we" do the most and "we" make the world beautiful, even if that means "we" don't ever go after what "we" want.     

Now it’s not a bad thing to be someone who will compromise or to be someone who seeks the happiness of the ones you love and care about.  However, after years and years of that behavior, there are times when like good old George Bailey, you feel like you’re standing on a bridge on Christmas Eve, ready to jump because in that despairing moment, all you feel your life is worth is the life insurance money. 

Like good old George Bailey, I felt like I was standing on the edge, ready to give up because I can’t imagine how so many years of my life have gone by, in good service, but to the waste of my own dreams because of the choices I made: to stay behind and to try again when there was no reason to try.

I see the results of the good choices I’ve made.  I see how they’ve made a difference in the lives of others.  I see how my support has helped someone else’s dreams happen in certain circumstances.  I see how the lives of those I’ve loved and love, are moving on and away from me because I am not part of their future plans.  It’s hard and it’s sad and that is when I thought, the hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.

Relationships can and do end without either party ever voicing that they know it’s over.  People can stay  in stagnant, habitual, "comfortable" relationships, friendships, jobs and lives for years.  But if they had the insight or the courage to take true inventory of the situation, they’d know something was not right because these lifeless "relationships" drive people away from their own dreams and passions. It is a form of death. 

Where does that leave me? I don’t know or perhaps I don’t want to look.  Something’s got to change or nothing will change.  I will not look down another birthday on the edge of “if only”.  If the dreams or the desires of the ones I love take them off onto a different life horizon, I will accept it and keep moving in the direction of my own dreams.

Someone once told me, "In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end." Be it an end of denial, an end of lies, an end of the unspoken, an end to waste, an end to uncertainty, an end of control, an end of waiting or an end to fear of the unknown, regardless of what I choose to end, there must be a new beginning. 

To the New Danner Baby

Kekoa & Melissa Danner's Baby

Dear Child, I do not know you yet, but as I sit here, I think of you and wonder into our future together.

I first saw a picture of you one month ago.  Your Uncle Ikaika called you "Alien".  One day when you look at the ultra sound picture you'll understand why :)

I guess I'll be the one you call Grandma one day.  I'm sorry if I struggle with that label, but you have to understand that it is not because I will not love you and guard you with my life, it's just because I am not ready for this stage of life.  I'm not ready to say "hello" to you the same way I was not ready to say "goodbye" to your Dad the day he moved away.  I'm not ready to move into this new role because for some reason, it feels like maybe something in me is ending.

I hope your Dad will help you to know me so you'll understand the type of Grandma I'll be to you.  I promise to love you and watch over you, even if it means a "tut tut" now and then to remind you to behave.  I promise to tell you stories of your Dad when he was growing up so that you will know how much you are like him.  I promise to help you find what it is that you love in this life and help teach you how to know what true happiness is.  I promise to give you the best of what I've got to offer so that the best of your Dad, of me and my predecessors will live in you.

Next year we'll have Christmas together.  I daresay you'll be spoiled rotten and that's alright, as long as you remember to say thank you and be genuinely grateful haha For now, I just wanted to make sure you know that I'm here and I'm thinking about you.  Stay strong little one.  The world is waiting for you.

A Glorious Day

It's a beautiful morning, I've got laundry washing, another load of laundry drying and dishes running in the washer.  The sun is shining, the gold fish are fed and I now have a few minutes to myself to think about today.

Today is Ikaika's 18th birthday.  I have two adult aged children as of this morning.  I put on some music by Embrace and reflected upon what I should feel about this day.  Time and time again, I've been told by friends or acquaintences of how great it will be when my kids are grown up so I can do whatever I want with my life.  What they may not understand is that all I ever wanted was to be Mom.  That is what I wanted to do with my life.

As I made Ikaika's graduation invitation, I looked back and thought of every precious moment now spent and categorized in images.  Memories are kind.  I look back and can be sentimental and remember the good things, not the diaper changes, sick days or sometimes the general unsureness of what to do to be the best Mom I could be to two sons who needed me. 

I found a picture of Kekoa and Ikaika nestled up next to me while I read to them.  Ikaika had the chicken pox and was covered in pink spots of dried calomine lotion.  Koa was all smiles, his chicken pox had come and gone by then, so he was comfortable there next to me in his batman pjs.  I found this picture of the boys on the day I graduated from college.  My Dad arranged it so that they each presented me with a flower lei.  The boys were so proud to give them to me.  What a beautiful memory. 

I look at these many pictures of their sweet, shiny faces. I remember their little hugs every day.  I remember the times of mini tantrums and tears as well.  My heart longs for a "do over"; another red and blue power rangers halloween, another Christmas Eve where they still put out donuts, cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer, another night of standing in the doorway to their bedroom, watching them sleep and knowing that all the world was right in that perfect moment.  I do not wish for this to be the end, to be left with only pictures and memories...I'd do this all over again, if only.

To my sons:  "Warrior King from Heaven" and "Prophet Who Rules with the Strength of Many Nations in his Blood". Once my babies, now young men still growing.  Everyday, no matter where you are, I am aware of you and sending you all the love I have and hoping that you remember.  I want you to remember what you've learned by being the sons you are.  I want you to live well and make the best choices you can for yourselves, for your families and if possible, to make this world a brighter, better place because you have been here. 

Nevermind that tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Today it's a glorious day for all three of us, somehow it feels like we made it through one more milestone.  I love you both.  Thank you for being my heart all of these years.  Love you, Mom.

The Great Love of My Life

Seems like an almost too cheesy title doesn't it? I know, but it's all I can think of tonight.  I've written pages and pages in several journals for years. In these tear stained pages, I've mused over what my life was like and have stoked the flames of my flickering impossible dream; The dream: finding home and being whole.

In one of my journals, I wrote down all of the names of every boy/man I was ever "in love" with. I remember them all. But the last name on that list, his name, made me take pause tonight, as I lay here in a shirt he wore last weekend, wrapped in a blanket we napped in before he left...I look at his name and all I can see is that he is the great love of my life.

In my years, I can say that I've been in love. I've been blindly infatuated. I've been loyal and devoted. I've been best friend, wife, girlfriend and crush to a few men, but I've always had to give something important up in those relationships; it was never as equal and level a back and forth trade as I believe equitable relationships should be. That is normal I'm sure and even with him, there are things that we compromise on, but honestly, no one has ever filled the place at my side so completely as this man has.  He gives me back the love that I show him...I find it quite mesmorizing.

Back in July of 2006, I wrote this long letter to "the Great Love of My Life", hoping that one day I'd be able to live the happy moments that I dreamed of and wrote down that starry, starry night. I opened up the pages of the journal that holds this letter and read it again tonight. I see that he and us, the way we are, it is more than I dared to write about or hope for at the time.  I didn't dare ask for what I wanted back then, just to be safe I guess, but in these months that have passed with us, he has been exactly what my heart has longed for. 

He is not just the normal list.  He's not just a smart man, not just a good Father, not just handsome or any other thing that I thought were good things about a person.  He is those things and more.  He is my safe place, my heart walking around outside of my body haha. He is passionate, he is strong, he is so understanding, he is stunningly beautiful, he is such a man and in his own way, he honors what is good in me, he lets me be woman and child and nurtures both in me. 

But best of all, he doesn't just need me, he wants me in his life too and he keeps me.  "Be happy." he says.  That means a lot.

I'm laying here in tears, not ones of longing or hoping, no, I'm laying here in tears knowing that he is far away from me tonight, but my tears are also of a happy gratitude that "he" is real. I think this is what people feel in their relationships and marriages, the ones that work or last. It's a wonderful thing to be loved and to be loved as everything to one man. Finally :)

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My babies...how I love you

"The moments we are most vulnerable, reveal the true passions within our hearts". -mojgan

This morning my Dad called me to catch me up on the things that people were saying about Ikaika after "The Trek". It is no surprise to me that people are astounded by my son, it is no surprise to hear that he was always first to help, was compassionate, was obedient, that he is now seen as "quite the catch" by mothers and fathers and girls in his ward and stake haha. I say it is no surprise because I have known him as special, as remarkable, as meant to be set apart for a certain purpose his whole life. I'm not saying that it didn't take my breath away, that it didn't make me tear up, that I didn't long to have him in my arms again so I could cuddle him and sing to him how wonderful he is to me, my baby bunny.

Yesterday Ikaika came shopping with me. He was telling me his story of the Trek and how he helped a girl who had twisted her ankle who got left behind. Yes my son, that is what we do...I grabbed his pinky in mine and kissed his cheek and told him it is right to be so compassionate and helpful and that I was proud of him. He just shrugs it off, but smiles a little brighter because he can feel the love I have for him and how in awe I am of him and his choices to be more than ordinary.

Koa is registering for his college classes this August. Even if high school was not his thing per se, I'm so glad that he has seen that a college education is valuable and that he has sought to do the things he needs to do in order for that to happen in his life. I love to hear his voice, it still has a hint of rasp in it the way it was back when he was a little boy. When I was talking to him I told him I had a doctor's appointment and he immediately said, "MOM, what's wrong?? Are you okay? Are you sick?" His concern is so sweet, I appreciate it and laugh to myself thinking of how this is how I used to react when anything was amiss in his world.

Koa had a hard year on his own, learning for himself lots of lessons that I hope will ripen into wisdom with time. But he also is so compassionate, fiercely loyal and loves him family. It's hard to believe he'll be in college cause I still see him as my chubby cheeked boy, who loved to be snuggled, but didn't want a name like "bunny" haha.

Koa checks in on me in our sporatic phone conversations:"...are you still happy, how is work..." and then he usually teases me about being so much smaller than he is now. I remind him often that I can still take him if necessary haha and he says, "Yeah, I know Mom." with a sigh. Honey, even if you outweigh me by 50 pounds or stand taller than I am, I'll always be your Mommer and you my sweet little Koa baby. It delights him that I can still hold and cradle him in my arms. I will as long as he'll let me :)

Moments like these are the small rewards or assurances that even if life was not what I thought it would be, even if it was difficult at

times and very lonely, that the good things that were put into my sons, the love, the insight, the lessons, the tending to their development...it all was worth it. My life was for them in so many ways and I am grateful that it was not poorly spent, that it counted for something as I hear about how my sons, both of them, love and care for the people around them.

I always wanted to be Mommy. I miss it now. It's almost been a year since they moved out. I have a different life now. In the course of the year, they've written me the dearest letters, reminding me that they love me, that they want to be everything good that they can be to make me proud, and that they are concerned that I'm alright. Those letters are my treasures, reminders that they knew and know that I love them, that it was real.

My grandfather told me when I was 8, 9, 10 years old that I was meant for something great...that I was meant to make a man great with all the talents that I had. I believed him. It was like a mission to find that man to make great. I gave everything I had to men hoping to find that one fit, that one man for whom my self imposed perception of "destiny" was created for.

In the process of searching, I raised my sons to be great and I see

right now, that perhaps they were who I was meant to make great after all :) I prefer that way of looking at it instead of wondering if I missed the boat on fulfillng my life calling. A great posterity...it was an honor to raise them and love them. What I wouldn't give to have that life again. The one of sleepy faced babies, crawling into my bed to hear stories about when they were little, just to hold them again and have my family. That's all I ever wanted, not money or houses or anything except my own family, a good, happy one. I think I had it for a while.

Happy Birthday Ikaika

May 7th...It is Ikaikaolahui's 16th birthday :) I can hardly believe it.

This morning he came into my room, laid down in the cradle of my arm, and I sang him a little Happy Birthday song. On the way to school, I was giving him the low down on the day, early session of Kung Fu today, followed by cake at our house for the family. We pinky shook in agreement, although Ikaika thinks that doesn't mean he agreed to the plan today...Kaika, Kaika...pinky shakes are binding in this family ;) hehehe.

There was a hot air balloon out this morning and I teased him, "You see, there it is, in honor of your birthday, just like I requested." He of course just rolled his eyes at me. I told him, "Look closer, it says, 'Happy Birthday Kaika' on it." So he leaned forward and took a closer look up at the balloon. The hot air balloon had various color blocks on it, but no discernable writing, and Ikaika was quick to correct me, "Mom, you're crazy, there are no words on that balloon." To which I replied, "Oh, it's in color language, you see, the big blue square in the middle of the balloon... it's your name." Again, my little Kaikers rolls his eyes at me..."Mom..." he laughs.

As we sit at the stop light, I half tickle him and tell him that I also requested the beautiful weather today for his birthday. Eyes roll again as he smiles at me. I start to tell Ikaika about how he was not he biggest baby born 16 years ago. There was a girl baby that outweighed him by 4 ounces. I kind of joked that she was gargantuan, like a sumo wrapped in a white blanket with a pink beanie on so you knew she was a baby. Ikaika said dryly, "4 ounces is not that much." I snapped back with, "When you are pushing it out of your body, it can make or break you." We all shudder at the thought...oy birthing...then laugh it off; the boys cause they'll never have to know what it's like to have a baby and me, well I laugh it off because it's hard to believe I ever had babies period.

Dropping the boys off at school, I tell them I love them, and wish them a good day, and Ikaika is quick to tease me back, "So is that your third gift to me?" "Yes Pants, it is." And our game for the morning ride is complete. I watched that little Bun and my Koa move up the walk towards the high school. Refusing to cry in the parking lot, I smile and think instead of what it must be like for him right now, to be 16, then I wander back in my mind thinking, "What on earth was I doing when I was 16?"

Driving home, I remembered. I went to Timpview just like Koa and Kaika do now - lol. On my 16th birthday, my family came to my Sophomore basketball game in the girl's gym. My Mom brought a cake and they sang to me. On the way home, some BYU student rear ended us, so we didn't go out to dinner for my birthday, however it was a really good day anyways. Best friends at the time were Snyders, Mindy, and my partner in all sorts of crime: Susan Anderson. Sue rules...I think she somehow got me a picture of SH on a motorcycle for my birthday...hahaha, shoot, I'm pretty sure I gifted that photo on to Jenny Snyder a couple of weeks later :). Thanks Susan :)

Funny enough, I just saw Cornell and Becky Saluone last night at my softball game. The Saluones went to Provo High and Susan and I thought they were pretty cool hehehe. Friday night fun back then: High school basketball games followed by dancing at The Palace with Dave Smith, DeAnn Toledo, my cousins Heather and Kanani, and Susan of course. Music that we loved: Oh my gosh, well, it was 1990, so we had quite the selection, but I'll wince and name a few favorites from that time: Poison, GnR, Journey, The Cure, Skid Row, Cinderella, Eazy E...yeah...shoot haha. I remember the wardrobe of choice back then as well: bandanas, sweatshirts and boxers over thermals...Susan with her Converse shoes and collection of Swatch watches, me with my hiking boots and frou frou hair bows. Quite the athletic fashion statement huh...haha, what were we thinking?

Crush at the time: Hmm...well it was a transition time for me ;) Finishing up the SH thing, moving on to the Law boy from Provo High...sigh haha. Fast forward to today: Still transitioning (lol) and oddly enough, I find myself absolutely in love with the Law brothers...nice how some things only get exponentially better with time hahaha. Speaking of things that remained the same...I still get too little sleep, dream a lot, and am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. My Life :)

Back to the present and the most important subject of the day: Ikaika.

To the baby: Happy Birthday my son. Your Mommer misses you being a little Pants and has had a good cry remembering you this morning. I can still see you standing outside in the front yard, with your strawberry Poptart bribe in hand as reward for going to Milestone aka "little kids prison"...you and Koa at the McDonald's playland...the year you and Koa were Power Rangers for Halloween and found out that when you knocked on people's doors they gave you candy...for free. How Christine used to ask you to say "yellow" repeatedly cause you would say, "Lellow", until you got wise to the game and one day simply answered, "Pink." Hahaha...you were born with attitude weren't you my darling one :)

Happy, Happy Birthday Ikaika...if I could write it in color blocks it would be: yellow, orange, red...blue ;)

Idaho and "Dear Mom..."

It's May. The last couple of weeks have been semi soul wringing, trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. My life...sometimes I wonder what that is at all. Tris was messaging with me a couple of weeks ago, sensing the downward unknown going on in me, so she invited me up to visit her in Idaho. And then over that weekend, she also offered me a new job at her company.

I went up to Idaho, it felt a lot like running away from the not knowing what to do here. Tris and her husband and I talked a lot. It is great to know that I have such kind and loving friends who want so many good things for me. I wanted the job, I wanted the new life, the one where I cut ties with everything here that haunts me at times. It was hard to leave there, where life was a blank slate, full of possibility, and I left Idaho determined to make a new life for myself there.

But then I came home. I told the boys that we were going to move. I didn't feel any push back, but they were not very excited either. It was more of a solemn agreement to be supportive. So I watched them, I listened to what they were not saying, and began to rethink my decision.

I get my best inspiration in the shower - funny huh. So I was washing my hair and thinking, "Well, why is this not the right thing to do?" In that moment, I began to get all of these ideas about what was important to me. The thing that "did the trick" was a promise I was given that I'd be successful in my professional endeavors, but that the most important work I'd do would be within the walls of my own home - it was a call to always put my home and family first. That little promise has curbed so many of my choices since I was 23. And then there was a clarity that I have not felt it a long time come to my mind and all I could see were the faces of my sons.

And the decision was made. I talked to the boys the next morning and let them know that I loved them and that I would not ask them to sacrifice so much, that I realized my joy was in their happiness, and that it would be selfish to require a life change of them. They didn't seem too enthused about my decision, in fact they mostly just waved it off and didn't even seem the least bit relieved, but I felt that I had made the right decision for our family.

In the last few days since we had that talk, I have just looked on them with such love. The stress of trying to figure out my life, how to do better at my job, how to make decisions about my time had all taken my focus off the boys. The running away to Idaho was a great opportunity to stand back and see what matters to me. I am very grateful for that.

I feel much more grounded today. I see so much of how my life is grace, peace, beauty, love, and joyful kindness. All I could see a couple of weeks ago was the wreckage, as if I'd failed miserably at life and needed to put myself far away so that I didn't have to see or remember anymore. But the more open I have been to acknowledging the blessings in my life, the more I see that I am going to be more than okay, in fact, even now, I am more myself than I've ever been.

So today, Kekoa gave me an envelope with "MOM" written on it. He had written me a letter. There was a lot to it, but the part I will share is this:

"It helps me to know I have you to look to for support. Mom, thank you SO much for all that you do for me and everything you have taught me...I'm grateful to be your son. I want to be the best I can so people can look at me and say how great of a Mom you are because you are a great Mom. Love, Koa aka 'Your Baby'"

It's hard you know, to look at my life and think of 'where I should be' and have those 'if only...' thoughts, but then there are these little gifts that remind me that my life has not been a waste. I meant something, maybe even everything to two boys. I want so much for them, I want so much for us in our little family of 3.

Anyways...it's late, I'm just sitting at my kitchen table crying now, so glad that somehow I fumbled through to the "right choice" and being grateful that I have time to still be the Mommer that loves these babies.

My heaven...my home :)

It is late and I'm enjoying the quiet time in the clean warmth of my room. Since Christmas there have been many changes, there have been many times that I did not know what was to become of me or if I even cared anymore, so overwhelmed by the blasts of change that shook my very foundation. I am only now settling in after the storm, grateful that it feels like it is time for peace again for a while.

I went to California last weekend. I didn't revel in it as I usually do, in fact, this was the most low key of my short weekend trips, however it was nice to be with my ocean for a while. I must admit, I longed for home in Utah hours after I arrived in LA...that has never happened before. I missed the boys...I wanted to see them, to kiss their baby faces, to hold their hands, to hear their voices...I was so lonely without them.

Saturday I drove around LA...just going all over, soaking in what I loved about that place, but for some reason, the connection I used to feel to everything from the dirt to the graffiti was no longer there. It seems that my heart has adjusted to the mountains and the quiet in the canyon at night when I'm staring up at the stars. Usually the earth and the plants call to me, but this time there was silence, I was not as amazed as I usually am...perhaps my heart truly lives in Utah now.

But the ocean...to see it again...to hear it, to taste it on my hands, to stand in the ocean and be joined again with that element that completes me...that was wonderful. It was Valentine's day and there I was, on that broken pier piece on the Playa del Rey, sitting overlooking the crashing waves that seemed to jump up around me. I dangled my feet over the edge, just to be closer to the water. I felt like some type of royal, there on this pedestal of sorts, while the waves of water crashed around me like some chaotic orchestra...it was magical :) Then I laid back and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. I laid there and felt numb for a while, but then started thinking of my boys and the family I hope to have and that numbness melted away and left me salt water soaked from both my tears and the ocean water. I was there for a couple of hours, just being with the ocean, thinking in my mind, nurturing the love I have for nature and for Him who creates all of this beauty. It was a very good day. I think that I will always love the ocean, I will love where I came from, but now, I love the peace and beauty of my home and my little family more.

I was glad to get home. I was glad to see my sons. I was glad to see that my home was as I left it, safe, cozy, clean, and right. I talked with the boys about their weekend. I love to hear them tell me about their adventures. They take turns correcting each other about the left out details of the other's story...bossy pants kids, yup, they are mine, propriety bred into their cells, and a bit of arrogant condescension as well as they take turns being the authority on what "really happened". My boys...how I love you.

So the boys have been going to Kung Fu. That was an inspired event. I had to swallow my pride and take a real look at what I can provide the boys as their mother. I have given them much, I have charged them with even more, but one night, when I was observing and talking to a new friend of mine, I realized that I cannot make them complete, that they would need to learn how to be men from, well, men. The boys kind of fought me on the going to Kung Fu thing, and it is hard on my heart. If they could understand the intention of my heart is not to make them suffer, it is to look at the long view of things, to give them opportunity, and to have them learn what they need to know to be whole. I want so much for them...I pray often that they will feel the intent of my heart...one day if not today.

I am so proud of them when I watch them at the Kung Fu class. I see them working and moving and trying and doing. They are little men, not babies then. And after class, they are so much more confident, straight speaking, and aligned with who they are, I see them as men then and feel such relief and gratitude for all the people who contribute to their goodness. Oh boys...I just want you to be everything you were sent to be...I love you as the borrowed gifts from heaven that you are, as the divine sons of a loving, perfect God...as my babies for a while yet, but not for long.

Kekoa was going on about the girls in his life tonight after Kung Fu. Ikaika was expounding on the stupidness of girls in general. But it was fun, to hear them in their own words, explaining their experiences. I have to say that when they ask me, "Hey Mom, what do you do to make a girl like you?" that I answer them pretty honestly, which I think makes them somewhat formidable weapons against girls (lol) but I know their hearts, and whilst they may play some games, the emphasis on not being a tool or hurting other people is pretty deeply part of their nature.

One thing I have to write about is Ikaika's latest practice driving time. Imagine teaching a strong willed, terrified boy how to drive a stick shift car...lol...it has been fun to say the least. Kekoa is happily yelling directions at Ikaika while he drives, berating his shifting skills, laughing in a riotess manner when Ikaika stalls, and acting like an old pro every time Ikaika does somthing he's not supposed to do.

I am there playing referee mostly, telling Ikaika to stop jerking the wheel like its a video game, and telling Kekoa to shut his mouth cause its not helping to have 2 people yelling instructions as Ikaika. We went through the same 4-way stop twice to make sure Ikaika got the hang of starting and stopping. The first time through, Ikaika stalled the car and Kekoa laughed and laughed, while Ikaika threatened to get out of the car and walk home, while I told him to pull it together and start the car and GO! Sigh...the second time through that same 4-way stop resulted in Ikaika telling me and Koa that he hated us for making him do the 4-way stop again while he laughed nervously. He stalled the car twice at the 4-way stop that time...neither Koa nor I were instructing Ikaika, we were both laughing so hard that we were crying. This of course pushed Ikaika's independent buttons and he started the car and drove through the 4-way stop telling me and Kekoa that we were jerks...of course he was laughing too then...we all were.

Sigh...it's times like that that make me smile...just the simple things you know, where we are all 3 being our individual selves within the safety and joy of our little family. I love these times, I think that they are a blessing to my life. I think I realized that I do not need to wander away from home to find what I am looking for anymore. It is my heaven...here in my home. :)