"In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end"

"In order for there to be a new beginning,
there has to be an end."

“The hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.” It was a moment of unavoidable truth for me. It was a truth that I wanted to share, so I did.  But without context, that post did not communicate all that I felt or realized in the moment. So, here begins the unraveling. 

I did not make time to consider what New Year’s resolutions or dreams or wishes I’d make for 2012.  I did not begin to think about it until the drive to work on Tuesday morning.  I dreamed and let myself want my dreams.  

I thought of the gym of course. I thought of that wicked adorable bathing suit I bought last year, just in case I made it to Hawaii or California AND made good on my gym schedule promises. 

I thought of taking up Kung Fu for the sake of building up a foundation of confidence in my ability to protect myself if I ever needed to do so - that's just something I feel is lacking in my skill set.  I thought of the dance classes, the orchestra possibilities and the singing opportunities as well.  I laughed to and at myself...the things I think up.

I thought about finishing the books I've mostly written. I still believe in the idea of if one million people bought my book for a dollar that I'd be a millionaire haha I decided my life is missing meditation too and tried to remember the teachings I've studied about aligning my energy and being right inside :) I let my thoughts float up and connect to my joy.

My "resolutions", dreams and wishes turned to my dearly held want for family, for togetherness.  My thoughts turned to marriage and having babies and buying my first home where my dreams of love and happiness would live and thrive.  It was like someone unearthed my heart and let it breathe.  I felt alive and incredibly happy.  I felt excited and unconquerable.  I felt gratitude and anticipation.  I lived. 

And then, there was an invisible choking that took hold of my thoughts.  It was an inner restriction, a pain that came up and fenced off those dreams, with a disdainful reproach that those things are not for me.  It was a sad and terrible change.  I was suddenly alone and disconnected from all that had bloomed in my heart.  I felt the utter despair of “no” and stuck.

Where does this life sucking mechanism come from? Well, I’d have to attribute it to my history of prolonging terminal relationships for the sake of not yielding and accepting its death or knowing people for who they chose to be and not what I hope we can be. The "STOP" came from learning by example that "we" give, "we" take last, "we" work hardest, "we" do the most and "we" make the world beautiful, even if that means "we" don't ever go after what "we" want.     

Now it’s not a bad thing to be someone who will compromise or to be someone who seeks the happiness of the ones you love and care about.  However, after years and years of that behavior, there are times when like good old George Bailey, you feel like you’re standing on a bridge on Christmas Eve, ready to jump because in that despairing moment, all you feel your life is worth is the life insurance money. 

Like good old George Bailey, I felt like I was standing on the edge, ready to give up because I can’t imagine how so many years of my life have gone by, in good service, but to the waste of my own dreams because of the choices I made: to stay behind and to try again when there was no reason to try.

I see the results of the good choices I’ve made.  I see how they’ve made a difference in the lives of others.  I see how my support has helped someone else’s dreams happen in certain circumstances.  I see how the lives of those I’ve loved and love, are moving on and away from me because I am not part of their future plans.  It’s hard and it’s sad and that is when I thought, the hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.

Relationships can and do end without either party ever voicing that they know it’s over.  People can stay  in stagnant, habitual, "comfortable" relationships, friendships, jobs and lives for years.  But if they had the insight or the courage to take true inventory of the situation, they’d know something was not right because these lifeless "relationships" drive people away from their own dreams and passions. It is a form of death. 

Where does that leave me? I don’t know or perhaps I don’t want to look.  Something’s got to change or nothing will change.  I will not look down another birthday on the edge of “if only”.  If the dreams or the desires of the ones I love take them off onto a different life horizon, I will accept it and keep moving in the direction of my own dreams.

Someone once told me, "In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end." Be it an end of denial, an end of lies, an end of the unspoken, an end to waste, an end to uncertainty, an end of control, an end of waiting or an end to fear of the unknown, regardless of what I choose to end, there must be a new beginning.