Life is busy - so am I. June is more than half over, I'm staring down my eldest son's 17th birthday in two weeks, and contemplating what I need to do to fit in 2 gym visits a day in preparation for Kev's wedding...more on that later.
I read a few posts on blogs, while waiting for my brother Keaka to come home so that I can coordinate the acquisition of his Volvo for Kekoa...teaching budgeting and responsibility is not easy, but a lot easier when it involves something that every teenager wants: freedom. You have no idea how I cringe at the early morning transportation to football, the picking up from school, the taking him to work, the dances at 7 Peaks on Friday nights...coordinating my life around Kekoa's schedule is NOT what I want to do anymore, as soon as possible. So it's a form of freedom for me too; it will be good, but yeah, I'm sure I'll do a follow up blog on the rules of the car. Ikaika has his driver's permit too. Yes, I have two teenage drivers, hence the biannual Botox injections to avoid the onset of migraines LOL honestly, I love my life and my darling sons.
Kev's wedding...he is getting married on July 15th. He's Travis' brother. He and his fiance are the most adorable couple ever. I am looking forward to their wedding. It will all be wonderful, well everything except saying goodbye as they go start their new life in New York. So the gym visits X 2...I just need something to work towards and I'm using this wedding as milestone/goal number one ;)
I need to write more later...there is an 11 year mark that is coming up that I cannot ignore.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Beware the Ides of March
Ahhh, yes, I have about 11 minutes to spare, so I'll give in and write some of what is in my head and heart right now. So the words of the song of the moment are "you...just like heaven..." Hmm, yeah, that sounds about right for today.
The heaven that has me captivated right now is the time that I have spent with my boys lately. We've had such times lately: clashing opinions about what is a respectable length for a young man's hair or worthwhile reading material, cozy moments of reading "my books" on my bed, laughing while they make fun of the latest movie I have them watch with me, or figuring out how to pack the car full of 300 pounds of food storage items.
I find joy in these everyday moments with them. I catch myself standing back and watching them; how they move, the looks on their faces, and the tone of their voices. Not much escapes my eye where they are concerned.
I see the last remains of my baby sons fading as it is replaced by facial hair and random acts of manly stubbornness. Most days I struggle to keep from weeping with joy mixed with frustration as I feel so concerned about if I have done enough for them.
Last night Koa and I had another little "tiff". I hate those. But if it's not Koa, it's Kaika. The boys seem to take their turns at being little stinkers and wanting to question every single thing I tell them to do etc....
On the way to dinner, I talked to the boys very seriously about what is real and what is worthless. It was probably not the most enjoyable 15 minutes of their lives, but it was an important teaching moment. Yeah the boys are not doing anything grievous, however, it is their attitude and the way they use they ability to choose that had to be talked about last night.
At dinner, we stopped talking seriously and just relaxed. Ikaika wanted me to eat icecream and I didn't want to. So I gave in and when I was eating the icecream, I danced the popsicle in the air while I hummed to the music playing in the restaurant. Ikaika was saying, "Mom, that's not funny, stop...that's not funny." I was laughing and teasing him, "Oh come on...how can this not be funny...if it's not funny, you won't laugh or smile when I do this!" And then I kept dancing the popsicle in front of his face.
Ikaika broke easily - I didn't need to hum more than 5 notes before he was giggling away. Then Kekoa, in his very deep and sober tone said, "Mom, it's not funny." So I looked at him and swooped the popsicle over in front of his face, dancing it to the beat of the music....7 notes and he was laughing. I love laughing with them. Kekoa said, "It's not fair, we can't not smile when you are laughing." If he only knew, I feel the same way about them.
We packed away the food storage and got them settled for the night. Ikaika was laying out his clothes for the morning when he came running into my room and plopped down on my bed.
He had his socks on his hands and he was dancing them in front of my face saying, "Don't smile Mom, don't laugh..." I simply replied that of course I was going to laugh and smile, that I was willing to lose that game cause he was hilarious.
He exhaled with a bit of disappointment and then reached over and pinched my nose with one of his sock puppets. Then we hummed together while he danced his sock puppets...yeah, we are a little weird, but it was funny because that was the song he wanted to sing last night. It went like this: "lala la la la la LA la, lalala la la la la LAAA."
They went to bed and later on, I went in to check on them after they were asleep; to stand in the doorway and watch them sleep peacefully. If they only knew how much I love them, if they only could feel how my heart aches thinking of how it will be when they are gone from me, if they could only know what it feels like to be a parent who knows I'm not perfect but would do what ever I could in behalf of their best good...then maybe they'd know, they can trust in what I say and do as their Mom.
That is my greatest frustration, that in these times of open rebellion by the boys, I feel so cut off, as if they don't know me or my love at all, as if these past umpteen years and the blissful moments we've enjoyed never happened - they forget that it was not too long ago that they were cuddled up in my arms and that there was a time when they trusted that I knew what was best, not because I was right, but only because I was Mom. I miss that.
Anyways, why think about all of this right now. It started with Ikaika texting me: I'm walking to seminary and now it really smells like rain. I replied: I love that smell like I love your bunny laugh. He sent back: Just imagine a dancing popsicle. I laughed and sent back: And if it could hie to Kolob ;) To which he replies: In the twinkling of an eye. I finished it with: Lala la la la to Kolob lala la la lala la.
So yeah, that is what is going on right now: life at it's best...we may not be perfect, but we are making it work :)
The heaven that has me captivated right now is the time that I have spent with my boys lately. We've had such times lately: clashing opinions about what is a respectable length for a young man's hair or worthwhile reading material, cozy moments of reading "my books" on my bed, laughing while they make fun of the latest movie I have them watch with me, or figuring out how to pack the car full of 300 pounds of food storage items.
I find joy in these everyday moments with them. I catch myself standing back and watching them; how they move, the looks on their faces, and the tone of their voices. Not much escapes my eye where they are concerned.
I see the last remains of my baby sons fading as it is replaced by facial hair and random acts of manly stubbornness. Most days I struggle to keep from weeping with joy mixed with frustration as I feel so concerned about if I have done enough for them.
Last night Koa and I had another little "tiff". I hate those. But if it's not Koa, it's Kaika. The boys seem to take their turns at being little stinkers and wanting to question every single thing I tell them to do etc....
On the way to dinner, I talked to the boys very seriously about what is real and what is worthless. It was probably not the most enjoyable 15 minutes of their lives, but it was an important teaching moment. Yeah the boys are not doing anything grievous, however, it is their attitude and the way they use they ability to choose that had to be talked about last night.
At dinner, we stopped talking seriously and just relaxed. Ikaika wanted me to eat icecream and I didn't want to. So I gave in and when I was eating the icecream, I danced the popsicle in the air while I hummed to the music playing in the restaurant. Ikaika was saying, "Mom, that's not funny, stop...that's not funny." I was laughing and teasing him, "Oh come on...how can this not be funny...if it's not funny, you won't laugh or smile when I do this!" And then I kept dancing the popsicle in front of his face.
Ikaika broke easily - I didn't need to hum more than 5 notes before he was giggling away. Then Kekoa, in his very deep and sober tone said, "Mom, it's not funny." So I looked at him and swooped the popsicle over in front of his face, dancing it to the beat of the music....7 notes and he was laughing. I love laughing with them. Kekoa said, "It's not fair, we can't not smile when you are laughing." If he only knew, I feel the same way about them.
We packed away the food storage and got them settled for the night. Ikaika was laying out his clothes for the morning when he came running into my room and plopped down on my bed.
He had his socks on his hands and he was dancing them in front of my face saying, "Don't smile Mom, don't laugh..." I simply replied that of course I was going to laugh and smile, that I was willing to lose that game cause he was hilarious.
He exhaled with a bit of disappointment and then reached over and pinched my nose with one of his sock puppets. Then we hummed together while he danced his sock puppets...yeah, we are a little weird, but it was funny because that was the song he wanted to sing last night. It went like this: "lala la la la la LA la, lalala la la la la LAAA."
They went to bed and later on, I went in to check on them after they were asleep; to stand in the doorway and watch them sleep peacefully. If they only knew how much I love them, if they only could feel how my heart aches thinking of how it will be when they are gone from me, if they could only know what it feels like to be a parent who knows I'm not perfect but would do what ever I could in behalf of their best good...then maybe they'd know, they can trust in what I say and do as their Mom.
That is my greatest frustration, that in these times of open rebellion by the boys, I feel so cut off, as if they don't know me or my love at all, as if these past umpteen years and the blissful moments we've enjoyed never happened - they forget that it was not too long ago that they were cuddled up in my arms and that there was a time when they trusted that I knew what was best, not because I was right, but only because I was Mom. I miss that.
Anyways, why think about all of this right now. It started with Ikaika texting me: I'm walking to seminary and now it really smells like rain. I replied: I love that smell like I love your bunny laugh. He sent back: Just imagine a dancing popsicle. I laughed and sent back: And if it could hie to Kolob ;) To which he replies: In the twinkling of an eye. I finished it with: Lala la la la to Kolob lala la la lala la.
So yeah, that is what is going on right now: life at it's best...we may not be perfect, but we are making it work :)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Tonight I am grandiloquent at best
It's late, I'm bugged and since I don't have anyone to listen to my latest rant of the day, I chose to write. I don't know what it is today, but I've had a day that has just racked my brain. But that is not what is on my mind right now. Right now, all I can think about is Koa.
Tonight I got super irritated, especially as my dear son found it necessary to continue to push the "I'm right, you're wrong" buttons, which only bothered me more because he had no idea what he was talking about and thought he knew everything. Oh he just didn't know how that type of behavior sharpens my tongue and unleashes a low grade wrath that makes itself known. Sadly, he knows now.
I don't know how to preface this so that I won't sound like a total snot, so why waste an explanation, I'll just say it: My son was not meant to be so willingly unthinking - he was not raised that way, he was not encouraged to be that way, and yet, here is this boy who is almost unrecognizable to me in his demeanor and manner of speech at times. I detest deliberate stupidity, I find it even more insulting when it comes from my offspring.
I was told twice tonight by both Kaleo and Kiko that he is just a teenager, but that is hardly an excuse for the behavior he is putting forth. It's as if I have worked hard to mold him and offer him better example and environment than what I feel I had growing up, but still, he feels after what I find idiotic; he chooses low quality activities, methods of expression, and a naively, easily swayed general frame of mind. How did this happen?!?
I don't like being angry or disappointed as this is not the type of person I want to be, but gosh, I just feel like crap right now. This just doesn't seem right - I just can't understand how this son of mine has found a way to completely sidestep all that he's been raised to see and know as valuable - he reminds me of his Dad so much at that age, this is probably what is really digging into the heart of my concern and frustration right now. I just don't want my Koa to have to learn the hard way in the same ways his parents did.
So I feel like the worst parent on earth right now - I feel like I am totally out of touch with who my son is and even worse than that, I feel kind of like I don't know what to do next. Can I just say this is the part that really stinks about doing this Mom/Dad job alone - I have to turn to a blog to rid myself of the thoughts I have so I can organize my thoughts and hopefully find some solution so I can sleep without despair rotting my dreams.
The consistency and commitment it takes to raise good children is a staggering responsibility. This is one of the first times I have felt it dizzying me and causing me such introspective pain. I know things could be worse. I do not know how parents of "bad" kids live through that. I said to Kekoa that he has to know that I have had to live through the effects of stupid people all of my life and that was something that for the most part, I could not change, but that I would not stand by and watch either of my children grow up acting stupidly and let that behavior go unchecked.
I just want order to return. I want a nice life where it doesn't seem like if you make one wrong move, the game is over and you lose. I know it is so dumb to even write this, but I want this disorder and mess to stop. So I guess the answer is to go back to basic principles and try again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do but rededicate myself to doing the best I can and learn from today. Oh why can't I just be perfect at this parenting thing yet! Oh well...at least I am laughing at my unrealistic expectations now, so that must mean I can stop typing and go to bed now.
Warning: comment on this blog at your own risk. Just rest assured that one day you'll know what this mess is like with your own children. Enjoy the simplicity of childhood with your children while you can - mine grew up too fast for me and my head is still spinning at the thought of how soon they'll be leaving me. I just didn't think these days would come so soon. Okay, I'm done now.
Tonight I got super irritated, especially as my dear son found it necessary to continue to push the "I'm right, you're wrong" buttons, which only bothered me more because he had no idea what he was talking about and thought he knew everything. Oh he just didn't know how that type of behavior sharpens my tongue and unleashes a low grade wrath that makes itself known. Sadly, he knows now.
I don't know how to preface this so that I won't sound like a total snot, so why waste an explanation, I'll just say it: My son was not meant to be so willingly unthinking - he was not raised that way, he was not encouraged to be that way, and yet, here is this boy who is almost unrecognizable to me in his demeanor and manner of speech at times. I detest deliberate stupidity, I find it even more insulting when it comes from my offspring.
I was told twice tonight by both Kaleo and Kiko that he is just a teenager, but that is hardly an excuse for the behavior he is putting forth. It's as if I have worked hard to mold him and offer him better example and environment than what I feel I had growing up, but still, he feels after what I find idiotic; he chooses low quality activities, methods of expression, and a naively, easily swayed general frame of mind. How did this happen?!?
I don't like being angry or disappointed as this is not the type of person I want to be, but gosh, I just feel like crap right now. This just doesn't seem right - I just can't understand how this son of mine has found a way to completely sidestep all that he's been raised to see and know as valuable - he reminds me of his Dad so much at that age, this is probably what is really digging into the heart of my concern and frustration right now. I just don't want my Koa to have to learn the hard way in the same ways his parents did.
So I feel like the worst parent on earth right now - I feel like I am totally out of touch with who my son is and even worse than that, I feel kind of like I don't know what to do next. Can I just say this is the part that really stinks about doing this Mom/Dad job alone - I have to turn to a blog to rid myself of the thoughts I have so I can organize my thoughts and hopefully find some solution so I can sleep without despair rotting my dreams.
The consistency and commitment it takes to raise good children is a staggering responsibility. This is one of the first times I have felt it dizzying me and causing me such introspective pain. I know things could be worse. I do not know how parents of "bad" kids live through that. I said to Kekoa that he has to know that I have had to live through the effects of stupid people all of my life and that was something that for the most part, I could not change, but that I would not stand by and watch either of my children grow up acting stupidly and let that behavior go unchecked.
I just want order to return. I want a nice life where it doesn't seem like if you make one wrong move, the game is over and you lose. I know it is so dumb to even write this, but I want this disorder and mess to stop. So I guess the answer is to go back to basic principles and try again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do but rededicate myself to doing the best I can and learn from today. Oh why can't I just be perfect at this parenting thing yet! Oh well...at least I am laughing at my unrealistic expectations now, so that must mean I can stop typing and go to bed now.
Warning: comment on this blog at your own risk. Just rest assured that one day you'll know what this mess is like with your own children. Enjoy the simplicity of childhood with your children while you can - mine grew up too fast for me and my head is still spinning at the thought of how soon they'll be leaving me. I just didn't think these days would come so soon. Okay, I'm done now.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Sunday the 11th
It was a pretty good day. I have to admit that it did have one low point, but it was just a moment and things turned right back around. I laid in bed with an eye mask on for most of the afternoon while Ikaika and I read my email, read the blogs of some of my friends, and checked my MySpace page for notes from Kiko. And then he fell asleep next to me while I read some more. Kekoa was upstairs with Kaleo and Lori watched Survivor Man or something like that.
Today I really cooked again for the first time in a long time. I remember when I used to cook all of the time, but my life changed and I stopped. I thought about that today as I made a cake and some lunch for the boys.
It made me think of Waldo's post about how he was "pathetic" when Jen was gone. Not because he doesn't know how to take care of himself without his awesome wife around, but that he missed the things that she naturally did to care for him and their home.
I realized that I am the other half of Waldo's "pathetic" coin: I without a husband to dote on and care for have become kind of disconnected from the wife stuff. It's kind of shocking to come to that realization. I never realized that having that constant focus or reason for wanting to do all of that good wifey stuff was so important to me.
I took an inventory of what I used to do and compared it with I do now. Very different indeed! I used to get treats, I couldn't wait to get home to cook and make my house all nice and warm feeling, and everything was focused on our family: possible vacations, dinners, birthday parties, holidays, even everyday purchases all had to do with being part of a family. Yes I still had friends and went and did tons of stuff otherwise, but really everything was about my home and at the time, the man I wanted to make happy more than anything else in the world.
I need to reinstitute those sweet wifey things back into my life. It's not that I am neglecting my home, but I take no real joy in it. That is a small tragedy and I mean to fix it starting now.
I think that I am just becoming aware of how I have retreated under the weight of my dual role as mother and father. But the truth is, that I can't let that responsibility take away from my divine role as mother and nurturer. That is my strength and what has helped make my boys into the young men they are now.
This was my big idea for the day. I think this awakening started a few weeks ago, but I am only now coming to see it clearly.
One of my guy friends texted me a couple of weeks ago to ask me about coming up with a business plan. He knows I can do it, heck that was what consumed most of my Spring and my sanity for the first half of this year. But honestly, when I looked at what he had to offer, it was very unappealing. I texted back to him: what if I don't have it in me anymore to do this business stuff? And of course in totally predictable style, he basically told me to get serious. My reply to him was something like this: thank you for the offer, but this is not my life anymore. and that my new plan was to marry and love and support my husband in whatever he does as that was always my destiny. Of course that just made him irritated with me, and at the time I thought I was joking with him, however I'm seeing that maybe that really is all I want.
Yes, I can do all the executive presentations in the world, but what really makes me happy is hiding a snack with a note in my darling's lunch everyday or just being there when he comes home. I'm revealing the simple side of me, but oh well, you'll all have to love me even if I never win the Nobel Peace Prize or go to law school :) And I'm pretty sure you will.
I do love to love people and thank the good Lord for giving me many opportunities to serve and love my friends and family. But I think that it would be nice to have that thing that Waldo and Jen have , you know, each other and a family. To all of those who thought I was fine on my own, thanks for the confidence, but come on, you always knew better ;) I was apparently believing my own story about being "just fine" as well LOL
So why not wish for it? It's 11:11 p.m. on 11/11/07 - there has to be something lucky about that huh :) Honestly, I figure that if I am so "pathetic" without him (whoever "he" may be) then maybe somewhere he is "pathetic" without me. Maybe we could all pray that he figures it out and is lead to find me and that I'll have the eyes and heart to recognize him and not run - haha. And while we're on the subject, can we also wish that he is the kind of man who enjoys warm affection? It may sound silly, but oh, it's not! I don't need to have another roommate or penpal :)
And let's say that love is not in the near future cards, how about just a ridiculous amount of money? LOL
Those are my deep thoughts for the night. Usually I wax philosophical, but it's not like that won't come up again at some point. This is just the normal me, without super powers, just a girl if you will. Anyways, get on the band wagon and start your wishing - haha! Good night.
Today I really cooked again for the first time in a long time. I remember when I used to cook all of the time, but my life changed and I stopped. I thought about that today as I made a cake and some lunch for the boys.
What the heck happened to my cozy home habits?
It made me think of Waldo's post about how he was "pathetic" when Jen was gone. Not because he doesn't know how to take care of himself without his awesome wife around, but that he missed the things that she naturally did to care for him and their home.
I realized that I am the other half of Waldo's "pathetic" coin: I without a husband to dote on and care for have become kind of disconnected from the wife stuff. It's kind of shocking to come to that realization. I never realized that having that constant focus or reason for wanting to do all of that good wifey stuff was so important to me.
I took an inventory of what I used to do and compared it with I do now. Very different indeed! I used to get treats, I couldn't wait to get home to cook and make my house all nice and warm feeling, and everything was focused on our family: possible vacations, dinners, birthday parties, holidays, even everyday purchases all had to do with being part of a family. Yes I still had friends and went and did tons of stuff otherwise, but really everything was about my home and at the time, the man I wanted to make happy more than anything else in the world.
I need to reinstitute those sweet wifey things back into my life. It's not that I am neglecting my home, but I take no real joy in it. That is a small tragedy and I mean to fix it starting now.
I think that I am just becoming aware of how I have retreated under the weight of my dual role as mother and father. But the truth is, that I can't let that responsibility take away from my divine role as mother and nurturer. That is my strength and what has helped make my boys into the young men they are now.
This was my big idea for the day. I think this awakening started a few weeks ago, but I am only now coming to see it clearly.
One of my guy friends texted me a couple of weeks ago to ask me about coming up with a business plan. He knows I can do it, heck that was what consumed most of my Spring and my sanity for the first half of this year. But honestly, when I looked at what he had to offer, it was very unappealing. I texted back to him: what if I don't have it in me anymore to do this business stuff? And of course in totally predictable style, he basically told me to get serious. My reply to him was something like this: thank you for the offer, but this is not my life anymore. and that my new plan was to marry and love and support my husband in whatever he does as that was always my destiny. Of course that just made him irritated with me, and at the time I thought I was joking with him, however I'm seeing that maybe that really is all I want.
Yes, I can do all the executive presentations in the world, but what really makes me happy is hiding a snack with a note in my darling's lunch everyday or just being there when he comes home. I'm revealing the simple side of me, but oh well, you'll all have to love me even if I never win the Nobel Peace Prize or go to law school :) And I'm pretty sure you will.
I do love to love people and thank the good Lord for giving me many opportunities to serve and love my friends and family. But I think that it would be nice to have that thing that Waldo and Jen have , you know, each other and a family. To all of those who thought I was fine on my own, thanks for the confidence, but come on, you always knew better ;) I was apparently believing my own story about being "just fine" as well LOL
So why not wish for it? It's 11:11 p.m. on 11/11/07 - there has to be something lucky about that huh :) Honestly, I figure that if I am so "pathetic" without him (whoever "he" may be) then maybe somewhere he is "pathetic" without me. Maybe we could all pray that he figures it out and is lead to find me and that I'll have the eyes and heart to recognize him and not run - haha. And while we're on the subject, can we also wish that he is the kind of man who enjoys warm affection? It may sound silly, but oh, it's not! I don't need to have another roommate or penpal :)
And let's say that love is not in the near future cards, how about just a ridiculous amount of money? LOL
Those are my deep thoughts for the night. Usually I wax philosophical, but it's not like that won't come up again at some point. This is just the normal me, without super powers, just a girl if you will. Anyways, get on the band wagon and start your wishing - haha! Good night.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Wasting time...
It is late and I can't sleep...again. Have you ever been so tired that you want to sleep, but your mind turns over and over? I have a lot on my mind, but that isn't anything new. So here I sit writing out things that I kind of hope never get read. I think I just need to get this out of my head. I need to buy a new journal - LOL. Its a beautiful night, my sons are asleep, I am listening to Ray Lamontange sing about holding on forever...
Today I spent time remembering many things and a few people too. I think about where I was a year ago, two years ago, and three years ago - its amazing how different my life has been year to year. I like to think about the people who were in my life at those times. I am glad to have had such good and loving friends.
Of course mixed in with the thanks I have, there are feelings of regret for roads not traveled. Sometimes I wonder why I chose to do what I chose - why on earth would anyone choose such a difficult path that eventually ended anyway? The answer that all of my closest friends know is that I did what I felt was right. I could not turn from what I knew to be true in my heart. There was a great deal of sacrifice that was required - but I am who and how I am now because of that challenge. I see with eyes that were once closed - yes, this sleeper was wakened.
But even with the most optimism I can muster, the desire I have to see what is good, the gratitude I feel for experience gained, my heart mourns every now and then for what I feel I lost. I think that everyone goes through this at some point. For me, I wish there was a way to have that choice again, but it has passed and now the best I can do is to make good choices from here on out. I guess that is all anyone can do.
Well now I am tired. This blog did the trick. Its 1 a.m. time to sleep.
Today I spent time remembering many things and a few people too. I think about where I was a year ago, two years ago, and three years ago - its amazing how different my life has been year to year. I like to think about the people who were in my life at those times. I am glad to have had such good and loving friends.
Of course mixed in with the thanks I have, there are feelings of regret for roads not traveled. Sometimes I wonder why I chose to do what I chose - why on earth would anyone choose such a difficult path that eventually ended anyway? The answer that all of my closest friends know is that I did what I felt was right. I could not turn from what I knew to be true in my heart. There was a great deal of sacrifice that was required - but I am who and how I am now because of that challenge. I see with eyes that were once closed - yes, this sleeper was wakened.
But even with the most optimism I can muster, the desire I have to see what is good, the gratitude I feel for experience gained, my heart mourns every now and then for what I feel I lost. I think that everyone goes through this at some point. For me, I wish there was a way to have that choice again, but it has passed and now the best I can do is to make good choices from here on out. I guess that is all anyone can do.
Well now I am tired. This blog did the trick. Its 1 a.m. time to sleep.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
"A Happy Family Is But An Earlier Heaven"
The title is a quote by George Bernard Shaw. He has some choice quotes and some very cynical quotes as well. Of late, this is a quote that spoke to me.
A Happy Family...it is all that I wanted as I grew up and it is something that I still long to have. Family and home, those are the havens, the safe places, where all of the world should cease to bear down upon you and where you ultimately are lifted and loved.
These are questions I like to have in the back of my mind - the answers to these questions lead me on as my choices come up. When considering a choice or route of action, I wonder: Which end am I moving towards: heaven or hell?
It is no wonder that this is the topic of today. I've had a lot of time to mull over the questions I typed above many times this week. I feel that if a happy family is an early heaven, then surely an unhappy family is an abysmal hell.
I've seen my share of both - I've had blissful moments where tears flowed like life giving water and togetherness was all that mattered - I've also had hearkbreaking times where words flowed like darkest poison and nothing else mattered. I want so much to build a heaven and leave the hell behind.
How can it be done? Over time with trial and error, I have found that in all things we must do our best to use wisdom, understand that we have to believe in and hope for the best from those that we love, love eachother, and when push comes to shove and it is time to come together, be the one to lay down your fiery darts & your weapons of war, and take responsibilty for your part, and ultimately return and make amends with an increased measure of love.
I have to admit, this "time tested" method can really work, or at least when I have been able to approach things this way, even if all things are not 100% better, I have cleared a space to stand in and work towards further restoration and building trust up again with whomever the offense or misunderstanding involved. In other words, I get another chance at my earlier heaven and all is not lost.
Tonight I want to remember our families, our friends, our neighbors, basically anyone with whom we have even momentary contact. Pause for a moment and ask: where am I going with this relationship, to heaven or hell?
If you are in hell, please get out! I beg you to allow the healing to begin. If the situation allows, let the prisoners of your grudges and old hurt be set free. I understand that there are "big hurts" that may not heal for years; if you have any one of these circumstances, I offer you my sincerest hope that one day you may find peace and be healed. But the situations that I am talking about are the little splinters that fester. They live just under our skin and still have the chance to be pulled out, undergo a cleansing, and we can have that part of us bound up to mend.
If you can, have courage, bring heaven into your life now and bind up the wounds of those who are in need; mostly yourself and of your own heart.
I believe that a happy family truly is an earlier heaven. May our families be happy, hopeful, and protected by our every thought, word, and deed.
A Happy Family...it is all that I wanted as I grew up and it is something that I still long to have. Family and home, those are the havens, the safe places, where all of the world should cease to bear down upon you and where you ultimately are lifted and loved.
Is your family your heaven?
Is this the spirit of your home?
These are questions I like to have in the back of my mind - the answers to these questions lead me on as my choices come up. When considering a choice or route of action, I wonder: Which end am I moving towards: heaven or hell?
It is no wonder that this is the topic of today. I've had a lot of time to mull over the questions I typed above many times this week. I feel that if a happy family is an early heaven, then surely an unhappy family is an abysmal hell.
I've seen my share of both - I've had blissful moments where tears flowed like life giving water and togetherness was all that mattered - I've also had hearkbreaking times where words flowed like darkest poison and nothing else mattered. I want so much to build a heaven and leave the hell behind.
How can it be done? Over time with trial and error, I have found that in all things we must do our best to use wisdom, understand that we have to believe in and hope for the best from those that we love, love eachother, and when push comes to shove and it is time to come together, be the one to lay down your fiery darts & your weapons of war, and take responsibilty for your part, and ultimately return and make amends with an increased measure of love.
I have to admit, this "time tested" method can really work, or at least when I have been able to approach things this way, even if all things are not 100% better, I have cleared a space to stand in and work towards further restoration and building trust up again with whomever the offense or misunderstanding involved. In other words, I get another chance at my earlier heaven and all is not lost.
Tonight I want to remember our families, our friends, our neighbors, basically anyone with whom we have even momentary contact. Pause for a moment and ask: where am I going with this relationship, to heaven or hell?
If you are in hell, please get out! I beg you to allow the healing to begin. If the situation allows, let the prisoners of your grudges and old hurt be set free. I understand that there are "big hurts" that may not heal for years; if you have any one of these circumstances, I offer you my sincerest hope that one day you may find peace and be healed. But the situations that I am talking about are the little splinters that fester. They live just under our skin and still have the chance to be pulled out, undergo a cleansing, and we can have that part of us bound up to mend.
If you can, have courage, bring heaven into your life now and bind up the wounds of those who are in need; mostly yourself and of your own heart.
I believe that a happy family truly is an earlier heaven. May our families be happy, hopeful, and protected by our every thought, word, and deed.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Blog Name Dissection
I wish I had a more clever way of figuring out a cutesy blog name, but nothing about me is cutesy, hence even something as simple as a blog name had to have some sort of meaning.
So, what is "Ku'ulei Ali'i"?
Let's break it down - Hawaiian to English:
Ku'u: If used in the possessive, it means "My Sweet".
Lei: As a noun, this means a garland, usually flowers, leaves, or shells, given as a symbol of affection; if used figuratively, it means "beloved child, wife, sweetheart" so called because a beloved child was one that was carried on the shoulders of the bearer, draped like a lei.
Ali'i: Chiefess, ruler, noble, king, queen, commander, royal, regal, to rule or act as a chief, govern, reign, to become a chief or chiefess.
So all together, there are many meanings, and I take all of them into my heart. My father named me "Kuulei" - my sweetheart - and truly I was his sweetheart, his firstborn daughter, and he was my sweetheart, "Kuuipo", that is in his middle name.
And the "Ali'i", well it is the goal to which I aspire, if you understand religion you'll understand what I am talking about - "to become royal" - it is the path I am on, that we are all on, we just sometimes forget about it amongst the tedium of days gone by - but truly, one day, adorned with wisdom, I hope to rise up and be this Ku'ulei Ali'i.
Pretty deep huh...yeah, I know.
So, what is "Ku'ulei Ali'i"?
Let's break it down - Hawaiian to English:
Ku'u: If used in the possessive, it means "My Sweet".
Lei: As a noun, this means a garland, usually flowers, leaves, or shells, given as a symbol of affection; if used figuratively, it means "beloved child, wife, sweetheart" so called because a beloved child was one that was carried on the shoulders of the bearer, draped like a lei.
Ali'i: Chiefess, ruler, noble, king, queen, commander, royal, regal, to rule or act as a chief, govern, reign, to become a chief or chiefess.
So all together, there are many meanings, and I take all of them into my heart. My father named me "Kuulei" - my sweetheart - and truly I was his sweetheart, his firstborn daughter, and he was my sweetheart, "Kuuipo", that is in his middle name.
And the "Ali'i", well it is the goal to which I aspire, if you understand religion you'll understand what I am talking about - "to become royal" - it is the path I am on, that we are all on, we just sometimes forget about it amongst the tedium of days gone by - but truly, one day, adorned with wisdom, I hope to rise up and be this Ku'ulei Ali'i.
Pretty deep huh...yeah, I know.
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