Ku'ulei Ku'uipo

What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You

2012-01-10T11:22:00.003-07:00

Reading through old journals and life journey entries, I came across a lot of concerns and introspective situations in my life. In 2010, a dear friend of mine reached out with questions about belief. I had to think a lot about what I felt and it was a good exercise in remembering why the fires of my soul burn so brightly J

2012: the year of “I’m all grown up”

So, in light of my birthday tomorrow, I would like to share what I wrote to her; it’s a list of some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

These are the types of things that I hope my children will remember about me, what my family will see and know me as, and that my friends, acquaintances and others will feel when they interact with me.

“What I Can Whole Heartedly Recommend to You:

READ

I am a huge fan of lifelong learning. You will find principles of success and happiness in leadership books and often in religious texts.

As you expand your mind and your understanding, you begin to lift away from the mundane and "what has always been" - as you read and learn, you ignite your mind and you access your power of choice as a human being - you will find yourself as you read and feel good about the fact that you control what goes into your mind, for better or for worse.

WRITE

Write down what you feel, write down what you struggle with or love. Write down what you do and the rewards or consequences that come to you as a result of your choices. Writing clears my heart and mind when I'm confused, so I write every day. I find that clearing myself of those concerns or putting those feelings on paper (or in my enormous online journal haha) that I can dissect what I'm thinking or feeling and come up with a plan.

I also love to look back on my life in my writings and see how far I've come as a developing person. I cultivate insight, gratitude and learning in my writings and I learn who I am by the words that I save over time.

LIVE

Live your life - if you have dreams, nurture them, hold them close to your heart, breath in the energy of the hope they give you. Embrace the joy and excitement that resides in knowing that good things are always coming to you because you believe in yourself and your dreams.

Know that things won't always turn out exactly the way you expect or may want, but glean from those experiences what you can for your own good. If you want to learn something, go do it!

Don't let other people's cynicism or lack ever tear you down to the point that they or their opinions rob you of your life. In the end, your life is your own.

Live it in such a way that when you look back, you will have lived it the way you wanted, in a way that you can be proud of, for you, for your sons, and for all of the people who love you.

LOVE

There is nothing in the world like love to me. I have kept this heart of mine open, true, loyal, giving, grateful and loving all of my life. It has brought me many special friendships and people who I've shared wonderful times with. Dare to love...it's not something many will do, it's so much easier to hate or to shut down the love of one's heart.

The love you feel elevates and enriches every cell of your body; it elevates all of humanity and those who come in contact with you. It is something that you leave with others long after your association with them ends. It is the gift of who you are and that is in and of itself is priceless.

My whole point is to find your way, what you want to be about, and then live it. Successful happy people do not lives indulgent lives or become admired or joyful due to destructive thoughts, habits or choices. Successful happy people make mistakes, but they learn from them and forgive themselves and do not let others destroy the sacred nature of who it is that they see themselves as.

I believe that I have a purpose everyday that is in line with reducing suffering, bringing more joy and being love to all those that are around me. I want to do good and to have good things, so I attract those types of things and miracles seem to present themselves, but I am always watching, with the intent of seeing that life is beautiful and that I am a good person.

I wish for your happiness. I hope you will see all the wonderful things that you are and that you will have your dreams my Love.”

Happy birthday to me tomorrow. If you remember me on my birthday, thank you. It means so much to me that I have a place in your memory and in your friendship and love. 2012: the year of “I’m all grown up” haha I’ve got nothing but love and gratitude, today and every day of my life, that will be the fire that burns in the hearth of my soul.

"In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end"

2012-01-04T11:57:00.008-07:00

"In order for there to be a new beginning,
there has to be an end."

“The hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.” It was a moment of unavoidable truth for me. It was a truth that I wanted to share, so I did. But without context, that post did not communicate all that I felt or realized in the moment. So, here begins the unraveling.

I did not make time to consider what New Year’s resolutions or dreams or wishes I’d make for 2012. I did not begin to think about it until the drive to work on Tuesday morning. I dreamed and let myself want my dreams.

I thought of the gym of course. I thought of that wicked adorable bathing suit I bought last year, just in case I made it to Hawaii or California AND made good on my gym schedule promises.

I thought of taking up Kung Fu for the sake of building up a foundation of confidence in my ability to protect myself if I ever needed to do so - that's just something I feel is lacking in my skill set. I thought of the dance classes, the orchestra possibilities and the singing opportunities as well. I laughed to and at myself...the things I think up.

I thought about finishing the books I've mostly written. I still believe in the idea of if one million people bought my book for a dollar that I'd be a millionaire haha I decided my life is missing meditation too and tried to remember the teachings I've studied about aligning my energy and being right inside :) I let my thoughts float up and connect to my joy.

My "resolutions", dreams and wishes turned to my dearly held want for family, for togetherness. My thoughts turned to marriage and having babies and buying my first home where my dreams of love and happiness would live and thrive. It was like someone unearthed my heart and let it breathe. I felt alive and incredibly happy. I felt excited and unconquerable. I felt gratitude and anticipation. I lived.

And then, there was an invisible choking that took hold of my thoughts. It was an inner restriction, a pain that came up and fenced off those dreams, with a disdainful reproach that those things are not for me. It was a sad and terrible change. I was suddenly alone and disconnected from all that had bloomed in my heart. I felt the utter despair of “no” and stuck.

Where does this life sucking mechanism come from? Well, I’d have to attribute it to my history of prolonging terminal relationships for the sake of not yielding and accepting its death or knowing people for who they chose to be and not what I hope we can be. The "STOP" came from learning by example that "we" give, "we" take last, "we" work hardest, "we" do the most and "we" make the world beautiful, even if that means "we" don't ever go after what "we" want.

Now it’s not a bad thing to be someone who will compromise or to be someone who seeks the happiness of the ones you love and care about. However, after years and years of that behavior, there are times when like good old George Bailey, you feel like you’re standing on a bridge on Christmas Eve, ready to jump because in that despairing moment, all you feel your life is worth is the life insurance money.

Like good old George Bailey, I felt like I was standing on the edge, ready to give up because I can’t imagine how so many years of my life have gone by, in good service, but to the waste of my own dreams because of the choices I made: to stay behind and to try again when there was no reason to try.

I see the results of the good choices I’ve made. I see how they’ve made a difference in the lives of others. I see how my support has helped someone else’s dreams happen in certain circumstances. I see how the lives of those I’ve loved and love, are moving on and away from me because I am not part of their future plans. It’s hard and it’s sad and that is when I thought, the hardest part about ending a relationship is admitting that it’s over.

Relationships can and do end without either party ever voicing that they know it’s over. People can stay in stagnant, habitual, "comfortable" relationships, friendships, jobs and lives for years. But if they had the insight or the courage to take true inventory of the situation, they’d know something was not right because these lifeless "relationships" drive people away from their own dreams and passions. It is a form of death.

Where does that leave me? I don’t know or perhaps I don’t want to look. Something’s got to change or nothing will change. I will not look down another birthday on the edge of “if only”. If the dreams or the desires of the ones I love take them off onto a different life horizon, I will accept it and keep moving in the direction of my own dreams.

Someone once told me, "In order for there to be a new beginning, there has to be an end." Be it an end of denial, an end of lies, an end of the unspoken, an end to waste, an end to uncertainty, an end of control, an end of waiting or an end to fear of the unknown, regardless of what I choose to end, there must be a new beginning.

To the New Danner Baby

2011-12-21T18:05:00.002-07:00

Kekoa & Melissa Danner's Baby

Dear Child, I do not know you yet, but as I sit here, I think of you and wonder into our future together.

I first saw a picture of you one month ago. Your Uncle Ikaika called you "Alien". One day when you look at the ultra sound picture you'll understand why :)

I guess I'll be the one you call Grandma one day. I'm sorry if I struggle with that label, but you have to understand that it is not because I will not love you and guard you with my life, it's just because I am not ready for this stage of life. I'm not ready to say "hello" to you the same way I was not ready to say "goodbye" to your Dad the day he moved away. I'm not ready to move into this new role because for some reason, it feels like maybe something in me is ending.

I hope your Dad will help you to know me so you'll understand the type of Grandma I'll be to you. I promise to love you and watch over you, even if it means a "tut tut" now and then to remind you to behave. I promise to tell you stories of your Dad when he was growing up so that you will know how much you are like him. I promise to help you find what it is that you love in this life and help teach you how to know what true happiness is. I promise to give you the best of what I've got to offer so that the best of your Dad, of me and my predecessors will live in you.

Next year we'll have Christmas together. I daresay you'll be spoiled rotten and that's alright, as long as you remember to say thank you and be genuinely grateful haha For now, I just wanted to make sure you know that I'm here and I'm thinking about you. Stay strong little one. The world is waiting for you.

A Glorious Day

2011-05-07T10:09:00.001-06:00

It's a beautiful morning, I've got laundry washing, another load of laundry drying and dishes running in the washer. The sun is shining, the gold fish are fed and I now have a few minutes to myself to think about today.

Today is Ikaika's 18th birthday. I have two adult aged children as of this morning. I put on some music by Embrace and reflected upon what I should feel about this day. Time and time again, I've been told by friends or acquaintences of how great it will be when my kids are grown up so I can do whatever I want with my life. What they may not understand is that all I ever wanted was to be Mom. That is what I wanted to do with my life.

As I made Ikaika's graduation invitation, I looked back and thought of every precious moment now spent and categorized in images. Memories are kind. I look back and can be sentimental and remember the good things, not the diaper changes, sick days or sometimes the general unsureness of what to do to be the best Mom I could be to two sons who needed me.

I found a picture of Kekoa and Ikaika nestled up next to me while I read to them. Ikaika had the chicken pox and was covered in pink spots of dried calomine lotion. Koa was all smiles, his chicken pox had come and gone by then, so he was comfortable there next to me in his batman pjs. I found this picture of the boys on the day I graduated from college. My Dad arranged it so that they each presented me with a flower lei. The boys were so proud to give them to me. What a beautiful memory.

I look at these many pictures of their sweet, shiny faces. I remember their little hugs every day. I remember the times of mini tantrums and tears as well. My heart longs for a "do over"; another red and blue power rangers halloween, another Christmas Eve where they still put out donuts, cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer, another night of standing in the doorway to their bedroom, watching them sleep and knowing that all the world was right in that perfect moment. I do not wish for this to be the end, to be left with only pictures and memories...I'd do this all over again, if only.

To my sons: "Warrior King from Heaven" and "Prophet Who Rules with the Strength of Many Nations in his Blood". Once my babies, now young men still growing. Everyday, no matter where you are, I am aware of you and sending you all the love I have and hoping that you remember. I want you to remember what you've learned by being the sons you are. I want you to live well and make the best choices you can for yourselves, for your families and if possible, to make this world a brighter, better place because you have been here.

Nevermind that tomorrow is Mother's Day. Today it's a glorious day for all three of us, somehow it feels like we made it through one more milestone. I love you both. Thank you for being my heart all of these years. Love you, Mom.

The Great Love of My Life

2010-07-11T00:40:00.015-06:00

Seems like an almost too cheesy title doesn't it? I know, but it's all I can think of tonight. I've written pages and pages in several journals for years. In these tear stained pages, I've mused over what my life was like and have stoked the flames of my flickering impossible dream; The dream: finding home and being whole.

In one of my journals, I wrote down all of the names of every boy/man I was ever "in love" with. I remember them all. But the last name on that list, his name, made me take pause tonight, as I lay here in a shirt he wore last weekend, wrapped in a blanket we napped in before he left...I look at his name and all I can see is that he is the great love of my life.

In my years, I can say that I've been in love. I've been blindly infatuated. I've been loyal and devoted. I've been best friend, wife, girlfriend and crush to a few men, but I've always had to give something important up in those relationships; it was never as equal and level a back and forth trade as I believe equitable relationships should be. That is normal I'm sure and even with him, there are things that we compromise on, but honestly, no one has ever filled the place at my side so completely as this man has. He gives me back the love that I show him...I find it quite mesmorizing.

Back in July of 2006, I wrote this long letter to "the Great Love of My Life", hoping that one day I'd be able to live the happy moments that I dreamed of and wrote down that starry, starry night. I opened up the pages of the journal that holds this letter and read it again tonight. I see that he and us, the way we are, it is more than I dared to write about or hope for at the time. I didn't dare ask for what I wanted back then, just to be safe I guess, but in these months that have passed with us, he has been exactly what my heart has longed for.

He is not just the normal list. He's not just a smart man, not just a good Father, not just handsome or any other thing that I thought were good things about a person. He is those things and more. He is my safe place, my heart walking around outside of my body haha. He is passionate, he is strong, he is so understanding, he is stunningly beautiful, he is such a man and in his own way, he honors what is good in me, he lets me be woman and child and nurtures both in me.

But best of all, he doesn't just need me, he wants me in his life too and he keeps me. "Be happy." he says. That means a lot.

I'm laying here in tears, not ones of longing or hoping, no, I'm laying here in tears knowing that he is far away from me tonight, but my tears are also of a happy gratitude that "he" is real. I think this is what people feel in their relationships and marriages, the ones that work or last. It's a wonderful thing to be loved and to be loved as everything to one man. Finally :)

My babies...how I love you

2010-06-16T10:26:00.001-06:00

"The moments we are most vulnerable, reveal the true passions within our hearts". -mojgan

This morning my Dad called me to catch me up on the things that people were saying about Ikaika after "The Trek". It is no surprise to me that people are astounded by my son, it is no surprise to hear that he was always first to help, was compassionate, was obedient, that he is now seen as "quite the catch" by mothers and fathers and girls in his ward and stake haha. I say it is no surprise because I have known him as special, as remarkable, as meant to be set apart for a certain purpose his whole life. I'm not saying that it didn't take my breath away, that it didn't make me tear up, that I didn't long to have him in my arms again so I could cuddle him and sing to him how wonderful he is to me, my baby bunny.

Yesterday Ikaika came shopping with me. He was telling me his story of the Trek and how he helped a girl who had twisted her ankle who got left behind. Yes my son, that is what we do...I grabbed his pinky in mine and kissed his cheek and told him it is right to be so compassionate and helpful and that I was proud of him. He just shrugs it off, but smiles a little brighter because he can feel the love I have for him and how in awe I am of him and his choices to be more than ordinary.

Koa is registering for his college classes this August. Even if high school was not his thing per se, I'm so glad that he has seen that a college education is valuable and that he has sought to do the things he needs to do in order for that to happen in his life. I love to hear his voice, it still has a hint of rasp in it the way it was back when he was a little boy. When I was talking to him I told him I had a doctor's appointment and he immediately said, "MOM, what's wrong?? Are you okay? Are you sick?" His concern is so sweet, I appreciate it and laugh to myself thinking of how this is how I used to react when anything was amiss in his world.

Koa had a hard year on his own, learning for himself lots of lessons that I hope will ripen into wisdom with time. But he also is so compassionate, fiercely loyal and loves him family. It's hard to believe he'll be in college cause I still see him as my chubby cheeked boy, who loved to be snuggled, but didn't want a name like "bunny" haha.

Koa checks in on me in our sporatic phone conversations:"...are you still happy, how is work..." and then he usually teases me about being so much smaller than he is now. I remind him often that I can still take him if necessary haha and he says, "Yeah, I know Mom." with a sigh. Honey, even if you outweigh me by 50 pounds or stand taller than I am, I'll always be your Mommer and you my sweet little Koa baby. It delights him that I can still hold and cradle him in my arms. I will as long as he'll let me :)

Moments like these are the small rewards or assurances that even if life was not what I thought it would be, even if it was difficult at

times and very lonely, that the good things that were put into my sons, the love, the insight, the lessons, the tending to their development...it all was worth it. My life was for them in so many ways and I am grateful that it was not poorly spent, that it counted for something as I hear about how my sons, both of them, love and care for the people around them.

I always wanted to be Mommy. I miss it now. It's almost been a year since they moved out. I have a different life now. In the course of the year, they've written me the dearest letters, reminding me that they love me, that they want to be everything good that they can be to make me proud, and that they are concerned that I'm alright. Those letters are my treasures, reminders that they knew and know that I love them, that it was real.

My grandfather told me when I was 8, 9, 10 years old that I was meant for something great...that I was meant to make a man great with all the talents that I had. I believed him. It was like a mission to find that man to make great. I gave everything I had to men hoping to find that one fit, that one man for whom my self imposed perception of "destiny" was created for.

In the process of searching, I raised my sons to be great and I see

right now, that perhaps they were who I was meant to make great after all :) I prefer that way of looking at it instead of wondering if I missed the boat on fulfillng my life calling. A great posterity...it was an honor to raise them and love them. What I wouldn't give to have that life again. The one of sleepy faced babies, crawling into my bed to hear stories about when they were little, just to hold them again and have my family. That's all I ever wanted, not money or houses or anything except my own family, a good, happy one. I think I had it for a while.

Happy Birthday Ikaika

2009-05-07T08:46:00.001-06:00

May 7th...It is Ikaikaolahui's 16th birthday :) I can hardly believe it.

This morning he came into my room, laid down in the cradle of my arm, and I sang him a little Happy Birthday song. On the way to school, I was giving him the low down on the day, early session of Kung Fu today, followed by cake at our house for the family. We pinky shook in agreement, although Ikaika thinks that doesn't mean he agreed to the plan today...Kaika, Kaika...pinky shakes are binding in this family ;) hehehe.

There was a hot air balloon out this morning and I teased him, "You see, there it is, in honor of your birthday, just like I requested." He of course just rolled his eyes at me. I told him, "Look closer, it says, 'Happy Birthday Kaika' on it." So he leaned forward and took a closer look up at the balloon. The hot air balloon had various color blocks on it, but no discernable writing, and Ikaika was quick to correct me, "Mom, you're crazy, there are no words on that balloon." To which I replied, "Oh, it's in color language, you see, the big blue square in the middle of the balloon... it's your name." Again, my little Kaikers rolls his eyes at me..."Mom..." he laughs.

As we sit at the stop light, I half tickle him and tell him that I also requested the beautiful weather today for his birthday. Eyes roll again as he smiles at me. I start to tell Ikaika about how he was not he biggest baby born 16 years ago. There was a girl baby that outweighed him by 4 ounces. I kind of joked that she was gargantuan, like a sumo wrapped in a white blanket with a pink beanie on so you knew she was a baby. Ikaika said dryly, "4 ounces is not that much." I snapped back with, "When you are pushing it out of your body, it can make or break you." We all shudder at the thought...oy birthing...then laugh it off; the boys cause they'll never have to know what it's like to have a baby and me, well I laugh it off because it's hard to believe I ever had babies period.

Dropping the boys off at school, I tell them I love them, and wish them a good day, and Ikaika is quick to tease me back, "So is that your third gift to me?" "Yes Pants, it is." And our game for the morning ride is complete. I watched that little Bun and my Koa move up the walk towards the high school. Refusing to cry in the parking lot, I smile and think instead of what it must be like for him right now, to be 16, then I wander back in my mind thinking, "What on earth was I doing when I was 16?"

Driving home, I remembered. I went to Timpview just like Koa and Kaika do now - lol. On my 16th birthday, my family came to my Sophomore basketball game in the girl's gym. My Mom brought a cake and they sang to me. On the way home, some BYU student rear ended us, so we didn't go out to dinner for my birthday, however it was a really good day anyways. Best friends at the time were Snyders, Mindy, and my partner in all sorts of crime: Susan Anderson. Sue rules...I think she somehow got me a picture of SH on a motorcycle for my birthday...hahaha, shoot, I'm pretty sure I gifted that photo on to Jenny Snyder a couple of weeks later :). Thanks Susan :)

Funny enough, I just saw Cornell and Becky Saluone last night at my softball game. The Saluones went to Provo High and Susan and I thought they were pretty cool hehehe. Friday night fun back then: High school basketball games followed by dancing at The Palace with Dave Smith, DeAnn Toledo, my cousins Heather and Kanani, and Susan of course. Music that we loved: Oh my gosh, well, it was 1990, so we had quite the selection, but I'll wince and name a few favorites from that time: Poison, GnR, Journey, The Cure, Skid Row, Cinderella, Eazy E...yeah...shoot haha. I remember the wardrobe of choice back then as well: bandanas, sweatshirts and boxers over thermals...Susan with her Converse shoes and collection of Swatch watches, me with my hiking boots and frou frou hair bows. Quite the athletic fashion statement huh...haha, what were we thinking?

Crush at the time: Hmm...well it was a transition time for me ;) Finishing up the SH thing, moving on to the Law boy from Provo High...sigh haha. Fast forward to today: Still transitioning (lol) and oddly enough, I find myself absolutely in love with the Law brothers...nice how some things only get exponentially better with time hahaha. Speaking of things that remained the same...I still get too little sleep, dream a lot, and am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. My Life :)

Back to the present and the most important subject of the day: Ikaika.

To the baby: Happy Birthday my son. Your Mommer misses you being a little Pants and has had a good cry remembering you this morning. I can still see you standing outside in the front yard, with your strawberry Poptart bribe in hand as reward for going to Milestone aka "little kids prison"...you and Koa at the McDonald's playland...the year you and Koa were Power Rangers for Halloween and found out that when you knocked on people's doors they gave you candy...for free. How Christine used to ask you to say "yellow" repeatedly cause you would say, "Lellow", until you got wise to the game and one day simply answered, "Pink." Hahaha...you were born with attitude weren't you my darling one :)

Happy, Happy Birthday Ikaika...if I could write it in color blocks it would be: yellow, orange, red...blue ;)

Idaho and "Dear Mom..."

2009-05-04T00:12:00.000-06:00

It's May. The last couple of weeks have been semi soul wringing, trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. My life...sometimes I wonder what that is at all. Tris was messaging with me a couple of weeks ago, sensing the downward unknown going on in me, so she invited me up to visit her in Idaho. And then over that weekend, she also offered me a new job at her company.

I went up to Idaho, it felt a lot like running away from the not knowing what to do here. Tris and her husband and I talked a lot. It is great to know that I have such kind and loving friends who want so many good things for me. I wanted the job, I wanted the new life, the one where I cut ties with everything here that haunts me at times. It was hard to leave there, where life was a blank slate, full of possibility, and I left Idaho determined to make a new life for myself there.

But then I came home. I told the boys that we were going to move. I didn't feel any push back, but they were not very excited either. It was more of a solemn agreement to be supportive. So I watched them, I listened to what they were not saying, and began to rethink my decision.

I get my best inspiration in the shower - funny huh. So I was washing my hair and thinking, "Well, why is this not the right thing to do?" In that moment, I began to get all of these ideas about what was important to me. The thing that "did the trick" was a promise I was given that I'd be successful in my professional endeavors, but that the most important work I'd do would be within the walls of my own home - it was a call to always put my home and family first. That little promise has curbed so many of my choices since I was 23. And then there was a clarity that I have not felt it a long time come to my mind and all I could see were the faces of my sons.

And the decision was made. I talked to the boys the next morning and let them know that I loved them and that I would not ask them to sacrifice so much, that I realized my joy was in their happiness, and that it would be selfish to require a life change of them. They didn't seem too enthused about my decision, in fact they mostly just waved it off and didn't even seem the least bit relieved, but I felt that I had made the right decision for our family.

In the last few days since we had that talk, I have just looked on them with such love. The stress of trying to figure out my life, how to do better at my job, how to make decisions about my time had all taken my focus off the boys. The running away to Idaho was a great opportunity to stand back and see what matters to me. I am very grateful for that.

I feel much more grounded today. I see so much of how my life is grace, peace, beauty, love, and joyful kindness. All I could see a couple of weeks ago was the wreckage, as if I'd failed miserably at life and needed to put myself far away so that I didn't have to see or remember anymore. But the more open I have been to acknowledging the blessings in my life, the more I see that I am going to be more than okay, in fact, even now, I am more myself than I've ever been.

So today, Kekoa gave me an envelope with "MOM" written on it. He had written me a letter. There was a lot to it, but the part I will share is this:

"It helps me to know I have you to look to for support. Mom, thank you SO much for all that you do for me and everything you have taught me...I'm grateful to be your son. I want to be the best I can so people can look at me and say how great of a Mom you are because you are a great Mom. Love, Koa aka 'Your Baby'"

It's hard you know, to look at my life and think of 'where I should be' and have those 'if only...' thoughts, but then there are these little gifts that remind me that my life has not been a waste. I meant something, maybe even everything to two boys. I want so much for them, I want so much for us in our little family of 3.

Anyways...it's late, I'm just sitting at my kitchen table crying now, so glad that somehow I fumbled through to the "right choice" and being grateful that I have time to still be the Mommer that loves these babies.

My heaven...my home :)

2009-02-18T01:49:00.000-07:00

It is late and I'm enjoying the quiet time in the clean warmth of my room. Since Christmas there have been many changes, there have been many times that I did not know what was to become of me or if I even cared anymore, so overwhelmed by the blasts of change that shook my very foundation. I am only now settling in after the storm, grateful that it feels like it is time for peace again for a while.

I went to California last weekend. I didn't revel in it as I usually do, in fact, this was the most low key of my short weekend trips, however it was nice to be with my ocean for a while. I must admit, I longed for home in Utah hours after I arrived in LA...that has never happened before. I missed the boys...I wanted to see them, to kiss their baby faces, to hold their hands, to hear their voices...I was so lonely without them.

Saturday I drove around LA...just going all over, soaking in what I loved about that place, but for some reason, the connection I used to feel to everything from the dirt to the graffiti was no longer there. It seems that my heart has adjusted to the mountains and the quiet in the canyon at night when I'm staring up at the stars. Usually the earth and the plants call to me, but this time there was silence, I was not as amazed as I usually am...perhaps my heart truly lives in Utah now.

But the ocean...to see it again...to hear it, to taste it on my hands, to stand in the ocean and be joined again with that element that completes me...that was wonderful. It was Valentine's day and there I was, on that broken pier piece on the Playa del Rey, sitting overlooking the crashing waves that seemed to jump up around me. I dangled my feet over the edge, just to be closer to the water. I felt like some type of royal, there on this pedestal of sorts, while the waves of water crashed around me like some chaotic orchestra...it was magical :) Then I laid back and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. I laid there and felt numb for a while, but then started thinking of my boys and the family I hope to have and that numbness melted away and left me salt water soaked from both my tears and the ocean water. I was there for a couple of hours, just being with the ocean, thinking in my mind, nurturing the love I have for nature and for Him who creates all of this beauty. It was a very good day. I think that I will always love the ocean, I will love where I came from, but now, I love the peace and beauty of my home and my little family more.

I was glad to get home. I was glad to see my sons. I was glad to see that my home was as I left it, safe, cozy, clean, and right. I talked with the boys about their weekend. I love to hear them tell me about their adventures. They take turns correcting each other about the left out details of the other's story...bossy pants kids, yup, they are mine, propriety bred into their cells, and a bit of arrogant condescension as well as they take turns being the authority on what "really happened". My boys...how I love you.

So the boys have been going to Kung Fu. That was an inspired event. I had to swallow my pride and take a real look at what I can provide the boys as their mother. I have given them much, I have charged them with even more, but one night, when I was observing and talking to a new friend of mine, I realized that I cannot make them complete, that they would need to learn how to be men from, well, men. The boys kind of fought me on the going to Kung Fu thing, and it is hard on my heart. If they could understand the intention of my heart is not to make them suffer, it is to look at the long view of things, to give them opportunity, and to have them learn what they need to know to be whole. I want so much for them...I pray often that they will feel the intent of my heart...one day if not today.

I am so proud of them when I watch them at the Kung Fu class. I see them working and moving and trying and doing. They are little men, not babies then. And after class, they are so much more confident, straight speaking, and aligned with who they are, I see them as men then and feel such relief and gratitude for all the people who contribute to their goodness. Oh boys...I just want you to be everything you were sent to be...I love you as the borrowed gifts from heaven that you are, as the divine sons of a loving, perfect God...as my babies for a while yet, but not for long.

Kekoa was going on about the girls in his life tonight after Kung Fu. Ikaika was expounding on the stupidness of girls in general. But it was fun, to hear them in their own words, explaining their experiences. I have to say that when they ask me, "Hey Mom, what do you do to make a girl like you?" that I answer them pretty honestly, which I think makes them somewhat formidable weapons against girls (lol) but I know their hearts, and whilst they may play some games, the emphasis on not being a tool or hurting other people is pretty deeply part of their nature.

One thing I have to write about is Ikaika's latest practice driving time. Imagine teaching a strong willed, terrified boy how to drive a stick shift car...lol...it has been fun to say the least. Kekoa is happily yelling directions at Ikaika while he drives, berating his shifting skills, laughing in a riotess manner when Ikaika stalls, and acting like an old pro every time Ikaika does somthing he's not supposed to do.

I am there playing referee mostly, telling Ikaika to stop jerking the wheel like its a video game, and telling Kekoa to shut his mouth cause its not helping to have 2 people yelling instructions as Ikaika. We went through the same 4-way stop twice to make sure Ikaika got the hang of starting and stopping. The first time through, Ikaika stalled the car and Kekoa laughed and laughed, while Ikaika threatened to get out of the car and walk home, while I told him to pull it together and start the car and GO! Sigh...the second time through that same 4-way stop resulted in Ikaika telling me and Koa that he hated us for making him do the 4-way stop again while he laughed nervously. He stalled the car twice at the 4-way stop that time...neither Koa nor I were instructing Ikaika, we were both laughing so hard that we were crying. This of course pushed Ikaika's independent buttons and he started the car and drove through the 4-way stop telling me and Kekoa that we were jerks...of course he was laughing too then...we all were.

Sigh...it's times like that that make me smile...just the simple things you know, where we are all 3 being our individual selves within the safety and joy of our little family. I love these times, I think that they are a blessing to my life. I think I realized that I do not need to wander away from home to find what I am looking for anymore. It is my heaven...here in my home. :)

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T12:25:00.001-07:00

Ahh...it's Christmas day...I'm waiting while the boys get ready to leave for the weekend...thought I'd write some nice stuff in the meantime.

I woke up this morning to Kekoa's phone call..."Mom...are you awake? Did you just wake up? Come to breakfast in 1/2 hour..." Last night the boys spent the night with my brothers playing the Wii at Keaka's house. It's a different kind of Christmas Eve now that the boys are kind of grown...they'd rather hang out with my crazy brothers than wait for Santa ;)

I have to admit that I do not miss the Christmas Eve's where I gnawed on 9 carrots and ate some cookies or donut that was left for Santa...when they were little, the boys always checked to make sure that Santa and the reindeer had eaten their treats...yuck haha.

We had our traditional Hanamaikai Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange at Keaka's house. Britney had the nieces and nephews perform the Christmas Story. It's adorable to see children bundled up in various towels and sheets, dragging each other around the room, the way the crying enrupts amidst the laughter and dazed gazes off into space as they kneel around a little doll in a basket. It was precious. I remember Kekoa's first Christmas...he was the doll in the basket that year...ahh, what a darling baby.

After the end of the Christmas story, I played Joy to the World as my annual violin solo showing and the family sang together. After that it was all a mess of wrapping paper and clapping as we took turns opening gifts. I tend to melt back into the scenery and watch my family, how they have all grown up, how the nieces and nephews are not babies any more either, but most of all, I just watch and wonder how did so much time pass since it was me, Quinn, and Kaleo teasing Haruko on her smurf big wheel while Keaka sneaked our candy out of our stockings...sigh.

This morning I got ready and headed over to my Mom's house for breakfast. It's so nice to walk into the house, warm and a buzz with all of the voices of the people I love the most. As I entered, I was greeted by "KUULEI!!!"...hahaha...they love me ;) I teased Kiko with a nod to Harry Potter by wishing her a Happy Christmas, then we broke down laughing...Kiko and her "Hogwarts is not real, but I wish it was" issues.

We had a lovely breakfast...just a lot of talking and then opening of gifts. My fav gift this year was the book, "The Alchemist" that my Mom got for me. It's perfect for me, if you know the book you'll know that it is me. The boys got me earrings from Argento and a beautiful red scarf. They know how to love and spoil their Mommer :)

This year the boys are so grown up that it was just clothes. It's not as fun as buying toys for them like when they were little, but they are happy strutting around asking, "Hey Mom...this looks good huh." Mmhmm! You are both ridiculously good looking!

Ah, I am beginning to feel that kind of anticlimatic melancholy right now...I'm at home and the house feels soo empty without the boys here with me. I miss them, but I know they are off to brighten the lives of the rest of their family...the boys, you are the best...you make your Mom so proud. I am going to head back to my Mom's house where I will pull out the violin for an encore performance at the neighbor's house as our family gift to them.

I just wanted to give you a glimpse into what Christmas is like for us. Not alot of glitz, but definitely a lot of love. Here is a favorite Christmas wish to all of you, my friends: I wish you all, each and every one, all your own dearly held hopes and wishes and dreams come true from this day forward as I also thank you all, each and every one, for all the joy, inspiration and grace you bring to my life. Merry Christmas :)

The Latest with Kuulei and the Boys :)

2008-09-30T07:39:00.000-06:00

I should be going back to sleep for another 1/2 hour, but the morning is too perfect to waste sleeping. I pulled out the laptop, opened up my room window to let in some of the last of the temperate morning breeze of the season, put on some Bocelli and a little Wyclef Jean to sing to me of the sentimental longing about leaving the ones we love and returning in November...Laying here on my bed, the blankets all gathered around me, I feel nestled in and ready to write about my boys :)

Last night, Kekoa was downloading pictures of his homecoming date last weekend on Facebook. He wanted me to say that his date was pretty...I kind of held it over him and didn't gush an "Oooo" or "Ahhh" about the girl, however, I sure did about him. It's amazing to see Koa now; he's grown up, the babyish chub around his chin continues to fade away, replaced by this awful facial hair nest that he says that girls say is "sexy". Yeah, I had him shave it last week and plan on having him shave the remains again today.

But honestly, he's so handsome. When he was getting ready for the dance last weekend, I was just watching him thinking how that the then little 5 pounds 7 ounces baby boy grew up to be 190 pounds of semi devastatingly gorgeous young man. He does have some of his Dad's physical features, even some of his Dad's personality, but overall, he is uniquely Koa. He kept asking me if he looked good, "Yes son...you look great." Sigh...he's beautiful and so darn adorable, checking himself again and again in the mirror...my Koa.

I went to the homecoming football game with the boys on Friday night last week. At Timpview, it seems common for people who went to school there to gather to the homecoming game, so I went to see who I could see. I texted the boys when I arrived, then made my way through aisles of kids running around in orange and blue. All of the sudden, I felt two big arms squeeze me from the side...it was Koa. He had come down the stands to take me up to him and Kaikers. He stood in front of me, so I wrapped my arms around his chest and we walked through the mess of cheering/talking freakishly hyper kids together :)

The boys were sitting in the student section. I know I should have sat in the section just to the right of that one with other adult onlookers, but I came to the game to be with my boys, so I stood between them, kind of hiding, balancing in my heels in between my boys on the bench. Kekoa introduced me to one of his friends. She seemed like a cute little poly girl.

Then there is Robert, a friend that Koa has known since grade school. He's part Hawaiian, but mostly caucasian, however the ukulele in hand and the pidgeon that he speaks says otherwise. I'm glad that Koa has Robert to be silly poly kids with...it's cool and yet I strain at the idea. But when I look at Koa, when I look at his swaggering walk, or the way he looks all "tough" with his masculine postures, it reminds me of a younger John Hanamaikai, my grandfather, who was too cool for words and just enough tender hearted to win the heart and hand of a lovely japanese girl all those years ago in Hawaii.

I often think to myself, "Grandpa, you'd better watch out for my boy...he's so like you, just watch out for him okay." I think my Grandpa Hanamaikai wanted my parents to name one of their sons "Kekoa", but it never happened, so I took the name and gave it to my son instead, and coupled with my Grandpa's middle name "Keli'i" too. I loved that man, even though I didn't know him well.

I love my Grandpa Hanamaikai, for his harshness, for his kindness, for all the strength and weakness of him that I know pulses through my veins as well. It was only right to name my son in his honor. When Koa is headstrong against me, I can almost imagine my Grandpa laughing at me as he remembers what it's like to argue and power play with his children, most of all, I can imagine him telling me, "Bay (as in babe) ...be careful, don't push him too hard." spoken from a person who knows. I hope one day to be able to present my Koa to my Grandpa, to proudly show him how wonderful his posterity has become and the good works we have done with his name.

Oh that was quite the aside....back to the story...Kekoa proceeded to tell the girl that I used to go to school at Timpview. She kind of squeeled and asked, "What did you do here?" Umm...let me think, how do I answer that one? Haha. So I told her that I played volleyball, basketball, and softball and was the captain of all 3 teams one year. I was in the orchestra and did a short stint on the drama team (mostly for the yearbook picture opp), but that other than that, I just hung out with friends and went to school. This answer seemed to please her and she was somewhat impressed, especially with the fact that I used to set on the volleyball team. It was cute.

But the part that I loved was how proud Koa seemed to be of me upon the approval of his friend. Silly huh...but come on, I love that boy and if anyone is going to be proud of me, I want it to be my sons. Kekoa then turned to the girl and said, "Yeah...my Mom...she can sing too, really good at singing too." How sweet to hear that boy brag on me for a minute...last week he was playing his ukulele and I was singing with him at my office while I worked. Koa's amazing that's all there is to say.

I turned back around and stood by Ikaika, who kept telling me, "No Mom, don't kiss me, no Mom, stop holding my hand..." I know it's wicked, but I was teasing him and kissing him on the cheek because he was trying so hard to look cool. Sigh...my little bunner. I was remarking about how small one of the band kids looked (seriously there is no way that kid is much bigger than the boys were when they were in 4th grade) and then of course, there is the other extreme with a boy that was I swear like 6' 2" and 250 pounds...crazy. But of the little guy, Ikaika said, "Mom, that is my friend so and so, he doesn't have a lot of friends so I say hi to him whenever I see him...etc..." Hmm, another proud moment, I see that the child has grown up with a sense of responsibility and kindness for others infused into him so much that I do not need to be there to instruct him any longer on the "how to play nice with others" issue.

After a while, Koa took his place on my left and Kaika on my right, and I stood there with my arms wound through their arms and we looked out over the field together. I looked around and wondered if there was a way to stop time, to stay there in that moment a little longer. Of course the pulchritudinous moment was altered by the arrival of Kekoa's love interest...hmph, I did fume a bit as he left my side and went to her. But if he knew that the reason I tease him so insistently about girls is that I wonder if she knows how dear he is, how lucky she is to have him, and of course, I just hate to lose my boy, my baby Koko. The girl is pretty enough, apparently she is dedicated to her schoolwork, and she is involved in sports, aside from that, she has lived abroad and is not a dumb head because well...she is smart enough to pick my son :)

I didn't stay for the end of the football game. I left with about 5 minutes to go in the last quarter. I did kiss the boys goodbye...it is always funny because in public, Koa is so happy to hug and kiss me and Ikaika acts as if it is insufferable, whereas when we are at home, I have a little bunny curled up next to me most of the time, and Koa can't be bothered to kiss me LOL...the boys....sheesh. I left them amidst the sea of silly kids, feeling quite content for the moment with the time I'd had with them that night.

Fast forward back to this morning: This morning when I was driving Kaika to school, I was telling him that he's always going to be my baby, no matter what. He likes to argue against me, while holding my pinky in his pinky of course ;) "Nope, I'm not your baby." Then I pinch his cheek and say, "Oh yes you are, I made you." And Kaika answers back, "You didn't make me..." his way of pressing me to keep playing the "yes...no...yes...no..." game. So I said, "Oh yes I did, you were a little parasite that sucked some of the best stuff out of my cells for 9 months and almost 2 weeks, so yes, I did make you." To which he answers in a coy fashion, "No Mommer, I was not a parasite, it was a case of mutualism...I took your best and you got a baby." Little stinker. But I did laugh..."mutualism"...so we're just gonna make up words now bun? Haha, it's clever enough and therefore does delight me.

I was telling Kaika how handsome he and Koa are as we drove. That mildly arrogant little bugger just said, "Duh Mom...duh." LOL. So we drive on, and get behind the dreaded bus. Blast, every bloody morning at 7:16 a.m. there is this bus that pulls out in front of us on Canyon Road. We try to beat the bus, but somehow, always manage to get behind it. Ikaika and I shake our fists in the air as we curse the bus for going so slow, then we laugh because it's just another game we play...I'm glad for these times because I know that one day, Ikaika will get stuck behind a school bus and think, "'Dang you bus..." and laugh to himself because it will remind him of how we once were when he was young.

And then, before I drop Kaikers off at school, I tell him that one day I will spoil his baby cupe-cakes the way I spoiled and loved him when he grew up. But Kaika will not have it, he says, "No, you have to be the mean, old grandma, no spoiling, nope." Haha, truth is this: No, you're my Mommer and no one else gets to be spoiled by you except me. And then we stop the car, he hops out, I smack the side of his leg and tell him to have a good day, and he nonchalantly looks back at me and shakes his head. No kiss goodbye, just a brief and unnoticeable nod of the head, and my son is gone to school.

So I'm home, thinking of the boys some more. I'm proud of them. I love them. I think of my life and you know the thought of having more children, another family, it all seems nice, but I long for more time with my babies, a golden time that seems impossible to improve upon. I can't imagine a baby now or a new family that does not start and end with the boys.

I miss their frosting covered hands, their demands for "Nonalds" or "Beatdonalds" and the play land. I miss the little pants and sweatshirts, bought one size too big so that they looked comfortable and stylish. I miss the raspy voices and high pitched laughter. I miss being able to carry them both in my arms at the same time while they sleep. I miss the school programs and the primary programs where they stand in the front row waving to me with clear smiles and freshly pressed shirts. I miss my babies and wonder if life will ever be better than it has been with them, not to doubt or take value away from any potential children I may yet have, but it's just difficult to think that there will ever be another child as dear to me as the boys are :)

Advice from all of this: enjoy your children, love them, play with them, teach them, remember with them and write about it often :) It all goes by so fast.

Home from SES San Jose 2008 & The Google Dance

2008-08-21T21:00:00.001-06:00

Well, I just got home from San Jose, California. I went out for a work conference and learned a lot of new stuff about Search Engine Marketing. I was telling Marek Cerny, a co-worker and friend of mine, that I have a big brain. It's sounds silly, but I feel like my brain did grow a couple of sizes with all of the knowledge that got stuffed in there.

It didn't feel like being in California, probably because it was a lot of work and when we weren't in sessions, I was so tired from lugging around my laptop that I was happy to just go to bed. Marek was totally fun as usual and Scott Jones was also fun - I think we made the perfect team for the Conference because we are all serious about business, but know how to kick back and have fun when the work is over. We collaborate well and build on each other's ideas so it makes for some fantastic business synergy.

And speaking of fun...let me just get on to talking about the Google Dance 2008. The theme was "Glow in the Dark" - it was perfect. Good times, lots learned and I'm ready to go home to get things moving at work :)

2 Days Until Summer Solstice :)

2008-06-19T21:11:00.000-06:00

Life is busy - so am I. June is more than half over, I'm staring down my eldest son's 17th birthday in two weeks, and contemplating what I need to do to fit in 2 gym visits a day in preparation for Kev's wedding...more on that later.

I read a few posts on blogs, while waiting for my brother Keaka to come home so that I can coordinate the acquisition of his Volvo for Kekoa...teaching budgeting and responsibility is not easy, but a lot easier when it involves something that every teenager wants: freedom. You have no idea how I cringe at the early morning transportation to football, the picking up from school, the taking him to work, the dances at 7 Peaks on Friday nights...coordinating my life around Kekoa's schedule is NOT what I want to do anymore, as soon as possible. So it's a form of freedom for me too; it will be good, but yeah, I'm sure I'll do a follow up blog on the rules of the car. Ikaika has his driver's permit too. Yes, I have two teenage drivers, hence the biannual Botox injections to avoid the onset of migraines LOL honestly, I love my life and my darling sons.

Kev's wedding...he is getting married on July 15th. He's Travis' brother. He and his fiance are the most adorable couple ever. I am looking forward to their wedding. It will all be wonderful, well everything except saying goodbye as they go start their new life in New York. So the gym visits X 2...I just need something to work towards and I'm using this wedding as milestone/goal number one ;)

I need to write more later...there is an 11 year mark that is coming up that I cannot ignore.

Beware the Ides of March

2008-03-13T10:38:00.000-06:00

Ahhh, yes, I have about 11 minutes to spare, so I'll give in and write some of what is in my head and heart right now. So the words of the song of the moment are "you...just like heaven..." Hmm, yeah, that sounds about right for today.

The heaven that has me captivated right now is the time that I have spent with my boys lately. We've had such times lately: clashing opinions about what is a respectable length for a young man's hair or worthwhile reading material, cozy moments of reading "my books" on my bed, laughing while they make fun of the latest movie I have them watch with me, or figuring out how to pack the car full of 300 pounds of food storage items.

I find joy in these everyday moments with them. I catch myself standing back and watching them; how they move, the looks on their faces, and the tone of their voices. Not much escapes my eye where they are concerned. I see the last remains of my baby sons fading as it is replaced by facial hair and random acts of manly stubbornness. Most days I struggle to keep from weeping with joy mixed with frustration as I feel so concerned about if I have done enough for them.

Last night Koa and I had another little "tiff". I hate those. But if it's not Koa, it's Kaika. The boys seem to take their turns at being little stinkers and wanting to question every single thing I tell them to do etc.... On the way to dinner, I talked to the boys very seriously about what is real and what is worthless. It was probably not the most enjoyable 15 minutes of their lives, but it was an important teaching moment. Yeah the boys are not doing anything grievous, however, it is their attitude and the way they use they ability to choose that had to be talked about last night.

At dinner, we stopped talking seriously and just relaxed. Ikaika wanted me to eat icecream and I didn't want to. So I gave in and when I was eating the icecream, I danced the popsicle in the air while I hummed to the music playing in the restaurant. Ikaika was saying, "Mom, that's not funny, stop...that's not funny." I was laughing and teasing him, "Oh come on...how can this not be funny...if it's not funny, you won't laugh or smile when I do this!" And then I kept dancing the popsicle in front of his face. Ikaika broke easily - I didn't need to hum more than 5 notes before he was giggling away. Then Kekoa, in his very deep and sober tone said, "Mom, it's not funny." So I looked at him and swooped the popsicle over in front of his face, dancing it to the beat of the music....7 notes and he was laughing. I love laughing with them. Kekoa said, "It's not fair, we can't not smile when you are laughing." If he only knew, I feel the same way about them.

We packed away the food storage and got them settled for the night. Ikaika was laying out his clothes for the morning when he came running into my room and plopped down on my bed. He had his socks on his hands and he was dancing them in front of my face saying, "Don't smile Mom, don't laugh..." I simply replied that of course I was going to laugh and smile, that I was willing to lose that game cause he was hilarious. He exhaled with a bit of disappointment and then reached over and pinched my nose with one of his sock puppets. Then we hummed together while he danced his sock puppets...yeah, we are a little weird, but it was funny because that was the song he wanted to sing last night. It went like this: "lala la la la la LA la, lalala la la la la LAAA."

They went to bed and later on, I went in to check on them after they were asleep; to stand in the doorway and watch them sleep peacefully. If they only knew how much I love them, if they only could feel how my heart aches thinking of how it will be when they are gone from me, if they could only know what it feels like to be a parent who knows I'm not perfect but would do what ever I could in behalf of their best good...then maybe they'd know, they can trust in what I say and do as their Mom.

That is my greatest frustration, that in these times of open rebellion by the boys, I feel so cut off, as if they don't know me or my love at all, as if these past umpteen years and the blissful moments we've enjoyed never happened - they forget that it was not too long ago that they were cuddled up in my arms and that there was a time when they trusted that I knew what was best, not because I was right, but only because I was Mom. I miss that.

Anyways, why think about all of this right now. It started with Ikaika texting me: I'm walking to seminary and now it really smells like rain. I replied: I love that smell like I love your bunny laugh. He sent back: Just imagine a dancing popsicle. I laughed and sent back: And if it could hie to Kolob ;) To which he replies: In the twinkling of an eye. I finished it with: Lala la la la to Kolob lala la la lala la.

So yeah, that is what is going on right now: life at it's best...we may not be perfect, but we are making it work :)

Tonight I am grandiloquent at best

2007-11-27T23:50:00.000-07:00

It's late, I'm bugged and since I don't have anyone to listen to my latest rant of the day, I chose to write. I don't know what it is today, but I've had a day that has just racked my brain. But that is not what is on my mind right now. Right now, all I can think about is Koa.

Tonight I got super irritated, especially as my dear son found it necessary to continue to push the "I'm right, you're wrong" buttons, which only bothered me more because he had no idea what he was talking about and thought he knew everything. Oh he just didn't know how that type of behavior sharpens my tongue and unleashes a low grade wrath that makes itself known. Sadly, he knows now.

I don't know how to preface this so that I won't sound like a total snot, so why waste an explanation, I'll just say it: My son was not meant to be so willingly unthinking - he was not raised that way, he was not encouraged to be that way, and yet, here is this boy who is almost unrecognizable to me in his demeanor and manner of speech at times. I detest deliberate stupidity, I find it even more insulting when it comes from my offspring.

I was told twice tonight by both Kaleo and Kiko that he is just a teenager, but that is hardly an excuse for the behavior he is putting forth. It's as if I have worked hard to mold him and offer him better example and environment than what I feel I had growing up, but still, he feels after what I find idiotic; he chooses low quality activities, methods of expression, and a naively, easily swayed general frame of mind. How did this happen?!?

I don't like being angry or disappointed as this is not the type of person I want to be, but gosh, I just feel like crap right now. This just doesn't seem right - I just can't understand how this son of mine has found a way to completely sidestep all that he's been raised to see and know as valuable - he reminds me of his Dad so much at that age, this is probably what is really digging into the heart of my concern and frustration right now. I just don't want my Koa to have to learn the hard way in the same ways his parents did.

So I feel like the worst parent on earth right now - I feel like I am totally out of touch with who my son is and even worse than that, I feel kind of like I don't know what to do next. Can I just say this is the part that really stinks about doing this Mom/Dad job alone - I have to turn to a blog to rid myself of the thoughts I have so I can organize my thoughts and hopefully find some solution so I can sleep without despair rotting my dreams.

The consistency and commitment it takes to raise good children is a staggering responsibility. This is one of the first times I have felt it dizzying me and causing me such introspective pain. I know things could be worse. I do not know how parents of "bad" kids live through that. I said to Kekoa that he has to know that I have had to live through the effects of stupid people all of my life and that was something that for the most part, I could not change, but that I would not stand by and watch either of my children grow up acting stupidly and let that behavior go unchecked.

I just want order to return. I want a nice life where it doesn't seem like if you make one wrong move, the game is over and you lose. I know it is so dumb to even write this, but I want this disorder and mess to stop. So I guess the answer is to go back to basic principles and try again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do but rededicate myself to doing the best I can and learn from today. Oh why can't I just be perfect at this parenting thing yet! Oh well...at least I am laughing at my unrealistic expectations now, so that must mean I can stop typing and go to bed now.

Warning: comment on this blog at your own risk. Just rest assured that one day you'll know what this mess is like with your own children. Enjoy the simplicity of childhood with your children while you can - mine grew up too fast for me and my head is still spinning at the thought of how soon they'll be leaving me. I just didn't think these days would come so soon. Okay, I'm done now.

Sunday the 11th

2007-11-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

It was a pretty good day. I have to admit that it did have one low point, but it was just a moment and things turned right back around. I laid in bed with an eye mask on for most of the afternoon while Ikaika and I read my email, read the blogs of some of my friends, and checked my MySpace page for notes from Kiko. And then he fell asleep next to me while I read some more. Kekoa was upstairs with Kaleo and Lori watched Survivor Man or something like that.

Today I really cooked again for the first time in a long time. I remember when I used to cook all of the time, but my life changed and I stopped. I thought about that today as I made a cake and some lunch for the boys.

What the heck happened to my cozy home habits?

It made me think of Waldo's post about how he was "pathetic" when Jen was gone. Not because he doesn't know how to take care of himself without his awesome wife around, but that he missed the things that she naturally did to care for him and their home.

I realized that I am the other half of Waldo's "pathetic" coin: I without a husband to dote on and care for have become kind of disconnected from the wife stuff. It's kind of shocking to come to that realization. I never realized that having that constant focus or reason for wanting to do all of that good wifey stuff was so important to me.

I took an inventory of what I used to do and compared it with I do now. Very different indeed! I used to get treats, I couldn't wait to get home to cook and make my house all nice and warm feeling, and everything was focused on our family: possible vacations, dinners, birthday parties, holidays, even everyday purchases all had to do with being part of a family. Yes I still had friends and went and did tons of stuff otherwise, but really everything was about my home and at the time, the man I wanted to make happy more than anything else in the world.

I need to reinstitute those sweet wifey things back into my life. It's not that I am neglecting my home, but I take no real joy in it. That is a small tragedy and I mean to fix it starting now.

I think that I am just becoming aware of how I have retreated under the weight of my dual role as mother and father. But the truth is, that I can't let that responsibility take away from my divine role as mother and nurturer. That is my strength and what has helped make my boys into the young men they are now.

This was my big idea for the day. I think this awakening started a few weeks ago, but I am only now coming to see it clearly.

One of my guy friends texted me a couple of weeks ago to ask me about coming up with a business plan. He knows I can do it, heck that was what consumed most of my Spring and my sanity for the first half of this year. But honestly, when I looked at what he had to offer, it was very unappealing. I texted back to him: what if I don't have it in me anymore to do this business stuff? And of course in totally predictable style, he basically told me to get serious. My reply to him was something like this: thank you for the offer, but this is not my life anymore. and that my new plan was to marry and love and support my husband in whatever he does as that was always my destiny. Of course that just made him irritated with me, and at the time I thought I was joking with him, however I'm seeing that maybe that really is all I want.

Yes, I can do all the executive presentations in the world, but what really makes me happy is hiding a snack with a note in my darling's lunch everyday or just being there when he comes home. I'm revealing the simple side of me, but oh well, you'll all have to love me even if I never win the Nobel Peace Prize or go to law school :) And I'm pretty sure you will.

I do love to love people and thank the good Lord for giving me many opportunities to serve and love my friends and family. But I think that it would be nice to have that thing that Waldo and Jen have , you know, each other and a family. To all of those who thought I was fine on my own, thanks for the confidence, but come on, you always knew better ;) I was apparently believing my own story about being "just fine" as well LOL

So why not wish for it? It's 11:11 p.m. on 11/11/07 - there has to be something lucky about that huh :) Honestly, I figure that if I am so "pathetic" without him (whoever "he" may be) then maybe somewhere he is "pathetic" without me. Maybe we could all pray that he figures it out and is lead to find me and that I'll have the eyes and heart to recognize him and not run - haha. And while we're on the subject, can we also wish that he is the kind of man who enjoys warm affection? It may sound silly, but oh, it's not! I don't need to have another roommate or penpal :)

And let's say that love is not in the near future cards, how about just a ridiculous amount of money? LOL

Those are my deep thoughts for the night. Usually I wax philosophical, but it's not like that won't come up again at some point. This is just the normal me, without super powers, just a girl if you will. Anyways, get on the band wagon and start your wishing - haha! Good night.

Wasting time...

2007-05-25T00:12:00.000-06:00

It is late and I can't sleep...again. Have you ever been so tired that you want to sleep, but your mind turns over and over? I have a lot on my mind, but that isn't anything new. So here I sit writing out things that I kind of hope never get read. I think I just need to get this out of my head. I need to buy a new journal - LOL. Its a beautiful night, my sons are asleep, I am listening to Ray Lamontange sing about holding on forever...

Today I spent time remembering many things and a few people too. I think about where I was a year ago, two years ago, and three years ago - its amazing how different my life has been year to year. I like to think about the people who were in my life at those times. I am glad to have had such good and loving friends.

Of course mixed in with the thanks I have, there are feelings of regret for roads not traveled. Sometimes I wonder why I chose to do what I chose - why on earth would anyone choose such a difficult path that eventually ended anyway? The answer that all of my closest friends know is that I did what I felt was right. I could not turn from what I knew to be true in my heart. There was a great deal of sacrifice that was required - but I am who and how I am now because of that challenge. I see with eyes that were once closed - yes, this sleeper was wakened.

But even with the most optimism I can muster, the desire I have to see what is good, the gratitude I feel for experience gained, my heart mourns every now and then for what I feel I lost. I think that everyone goes through this at some point. For me, I wish there was a way to have that choice again, but it has passed and now the best I can do is to make good choices from here on out. I guess that is all anyone can do.

Well now I am tired. This blog did the trick. Its 1 a.m. time to sleep.

"A Happy Family Is But An Earlier Heaven"

2006-07-22T21:19:00.000-06:00

The title is a quote by George Bernard Shaw. He has some choice quotes and some very cynical quotes as well. Of late, this is a quote that spoke to me.

A Happy Family...it is all that I wanted as I grew up and it is something that I still long to have. Family and home, those are the havens, the safe places, where all of the world should cease to bear down upon you and where you ultimately are lifted and loved.

Is your family your heaven?

Is this the spirit of your home?

These are questions I like to have in the back of my mind - the answers to these questions lead me on as my choices come up. When considering a choice or route of action, I wonder: Which end am I moving towards: heaven or hell?

It is no wonder that this is the topic of today. I've had a lot of time to mull over the questions I typed above many times this week. I feel that if a happy family is an early heaven, then surely an unhappy family is an abysmal hell.

I've seen my share of both - I've had blissful moments where tears flowed like life giving water and togetherness was all that mattered - I've also had hearkbreaking times where words flowed like darkest poison and nothing else mattered. I want so much to build a heaven and leave the hell behind.

How can it be done? Over time with trial and error, I have found that in all things we must do our best to use wisdom, understand that we have to believe in and hope for the best from those that we love, love eachother, and when push comes to shove and it is time to come together, be the one to lay down your fiery darts & your weapons of war, and take responsibilty for your part, and ultimately return and make amends with an increased measure of love.

I have to admit, this "time tested" method can really work, or at least when I have been able to approach things this way, even if all things are not 100% better, I have cleared a space to stand in and work towards further restoration and building trust up again with whomever the offense or misunderstanding involved. In other words, I get another chance at my earlier heaven and all is not lost.

Tonight I want to remember our families, our friends, our neighbors, basically anyone with whom we have even momentary contact. Pause for a moment and ask: where am I going with this relationship, to heaven or hell?

If you are in hell, please get out! I beg you to allow the healing to begin. If the situation allows, let the prisoners of your grudges and old hurt be set free. I understand that there are "big hurts" that may not heal for years; if you have any one of these circumstances, I offer you my sincerest hope that one day you may find peace and be healed. But the situations that I am talking about are the little splinters that fester. They live just under our skin and still have the chance to be pulled out, undergo a cleansing, and we can have that part of us bound up to mend.

If you can, have courage, bring heaven into your life now and bind up the wounds of those who are in need; mostly yourself and of your own heart.

I believe that a happy family truly is an earlier heaven. May our families be happy, hopeful, and protected by our every thought, word, and deed.

Blog Name Dissection

2006-07-21T10:39:00.001-06:00

I wish I had a more clever way of figuring out a cutesy blog name, but nothing about me is cutesy, hence even something as simple as a blog name had to have some sort of meaning.

So, what is "Ku'ulei Ali'i"?

Let's break it down - Hawaiian to English:

Ku'u: If used in the possessive, it means "My Sweet".

Lei: As a noun, this means a garland, usually flowers, leaves, or shells, given as a symbol of affection; if used figuratively, it means "beloved child, wife, sweetheart" so called because a beloved child was one that was carried on the shoulders of the bearer, draped like a lei.

Ali'i: Chiefess, ruler, noble, king, queen, commander, royal, regal, to rule or act as a chief, govern, reign, to become a chief or chiefess.

So all together, there are many meanings, and I take all of them into my heart. My father named me "Kuulei" - my sweetheart - and truly I was his sweetheart, his firstborn daughter, and he was my sweetheart, "Kuuipo", that is in his middle name.

And the "Ali'i", well it is the goal to which I aspire, if you understand religion you'll understand what I am talking about - "to become royal" - it is the path I am on, that we are all on, we just sometimes forget about it amongst the tedium of days gone by - but truly, one day, adorned with wisdom, I hope to rise up and be this Ku'ulei Ali'i.

Pretty deep huh...yeah, I know.